what's better than roses on your piano?
tulips on your organ! XD my bf doesn't think this one is funny. I think it is hilarious.
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A man bursts into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask.
He shouts at the teller whilst pointing a gun in his face " Open the safe"
The teller says back " But this is not a normal bank, its a sperm bank"
The robber says "just do as i say"
So the teller go's over and opens the safe
The robber shouts " Grab a tube and drink it"
The teller has no choice but to do as he says,
The robber shouts again "go on drink one more"
So again the teller drinks a tube
The robber then takes of his mask and to the tellers disbelief its his boyfriend.... The would be robber then says " So how come you can do it now but at home you moan??"
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An Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bar,
The bar man says " Is this some sort of a joke?"
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An Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman are all in the pub celebrating St Andrews day.
The Scotsman pipes up " Darn it, i need to phone my son Andrew as its his birthday today, we named him after St Andrew as he was born on this special day."
The Englishman in disbelief says " Why would you not believe it but the very same thing happened with my Son George!!!"
The Irishman shouts out with joy " Wait until my son Pancake heres about this !!!!!"
( Pancake day also known as Shrove Tuesday where everyone on the UK makes pancakes!!! )
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A man walks into a bar, he says "ouch!"
Fred
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
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A man dutifully asked his partner what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster and many more
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a
McDonalds where her loving partner ordered her a Happy Meal with a large fries and a chocolate sundae.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog with all the trimmings, popcorn, all the (real not diet) Coke she could drink, her favourite ice-cream and several packets of M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she waddled home and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over her with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you bloody twit."
And the moral of this tale is: Even when a man is actively listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"
The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.
The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around house. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill
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rotflol Rychard has the best jokes!! XD
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I rule at lame jokes.
I did this one at the end of work today when I was feeling quite delirious and my colleague was looking for paracetamol for her headache...
"What do you call a mole on drugs? Paraceta-mole"
I found it hilarious.
I then proceeded to ask if kettles live longer with Calgon too, and my colleague said "oh no... you're poor mum. She has to live with you".
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