I'm probably gray-ace, but thinking maybe stay unlabeled?

[dreamerboy]

Hi, I'm 34 and think I might be in the gray area of asexual/aromantic. I can only recall one instance in high school where I had a heteroromantic interest (with no sexual attraction), but that soon vanished as soon as I learned this person didn't feel the same. I doubt I'm really gay because it seems only one life event that involved a girl led to being temporarily fantasizing sex with her brother. 

Basically this is what happened: I was worrying what she was into me, she left me on read for weeks, I got livid when she responded, she blocked me, and I kept trying to contact her to get reassurance that she isn't blocking to punish me, then her brother intervenes by having my emails redirected to him. Then I start seeking reassurance from him but all he says if give her space, I get left on read and blocked too. Meanwhile I'm obsessing over being blocked and not having the reassurance that I wasn't being punished, I would fantasize sex with him to numb my emotional pain. Then after 4 years, he gives me reassurance and a year recently past and I noticed I no longer have these fantasies about him anymore. 

So my experience makes me really uncertain about really labeling myself gay. I seem to be very much asexual and I don't see how suddenly having temporary fantasies or urges would change that. I still experience urges to lurk on this guy's social media using alternate accounts, but I cut off contact with him though. I don't think those urges of curiosity makes me a stalker, does it? If it did, it makes me wonder if denying urges means denying who you really are, but that's a whole other can of worms.

Anyways, I don't think I have actual sexual attractions, I just had a time when I used fantasy penetration to numb emotional pain.

I've come out as asexual recently and it was really no surprise to anyone at this point of my life. My family and friends are cool with that.

[CellarDweller]

Hello Dreamerboy, and welcome to the forum!

Congrats on coming out as asexual.

As for your 'stalking', I would say no, it's not. You're actively avoiding his social media, and you should keep doing that.

[InbetweenDreams]

Hi @dreamerboy welcome to GS. This is just based on my reading, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, you are what you are. I don't believe in hard labels anyway.

I don't think your experience here necessarily sets your sexuality in stone. Being left on read, or ignored or feeling like you're being ignored is not fun and if you're an overthinker like myself, well it can lead us to jump to conclusions about what might be going on with them. When things go on for weeks without hearing back from them tells me they probably weren't into you but at any rate didn't sound like they were making you a priority. The thing I have had to learn is to not become too emotionally invested in people who do not return it. Many people are happy to take and give little or nothing in return. So look out for that. It also takes a long time to really get to know someone, so if things are not feeling good early on, a lot of drama, it just may not work out.

Have you considered you might be "demisexual" or perhaps you are asexual. Either way, I wouldn't let a bad relationship, a bad encounter make you question your sexuality. I say that because I recently questioned it myself. I was in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere and at the same time reconnected with a girl I dated before I came out of the closet. Fast forward, I've been dating a guy for about 5 months now and things are going well between us and I can say in retrospect, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm pretty gay...

The question is not whether you're 100% gay or not. I think you just need to meet other people and that can take time.

Another thing is how do you feel about your sexuality? How do you feel if you were indeed gay? Or asexual? It is important to feel comfortable in your own skin. Deal with any insecurities you might have. Hope this helps.

[MusicFanLover]

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