Am I being abusive?

[Muni]

I moved into a dorm for financial reasons when I started graduate school. My roommate was assigned and I had not met him. We are about the same age but he is socially less experienced and is slightly built. We got along quite well for a few days. We did not discuss being gay, but I did notice him peeking at me whenever I was in my briefs or naked toweling off. By the end of the first week I just had to masturbate in order to go to sleep. I thought he was asleep and watched some porn on my cell for a while, and when I thought I was confident he was sound asleep I went at it. When I was close to climaxing, I was confused and shocked because he had leaped out of his bed and really bounded to my bedside, bent over and tried to get his mouth on me as I was already starting to pulse. There was no way I could stop it at that point so I just relaxed and let it happen. I tell you these details to show it was not me who initiated anything. After that, it got to where if he ever saw me halfway hard in bed or bulging in my briefs he would bound over and try going for it. I would let him unless I was just not in the mood. We barely talked about what was happening, but I not only let it continue, but would call him over whenever I wanted it. He is much more responsive when I sound angry and demanding, so although this is not the real me I do it as it makes him much more eager and obliging. I am really so busy and occupied with my studies and dissertation that I do not have time for a social life and this willing partner fits right in, but the truth is that while I think he is cute and sweet, I am not interested in a real relationship with him. I have as much as told him this. It clearly gets him sad when I talk about it, but he does not respond, and just seems to try harder to please me. Sometimes when I have had a bit too much to drink or am very tired or vulnerable, I have had him do some things that I know he does not really enjoy but does them because I ask (or maybe order) him to. I find that very satisfying that he will do them for me but feel it is wrong somehow. It is really such a good arrangement for me that I am reluctant to move out, which I know is the only way I could effectively stop this relationship if it is a relationship. So am I being a rat?

[Cridders88]

Hi @Muni

I will start off by saying that one thing that has struck me here from what I've read of your post is the lack of communication between you both. Eventually you said to him there was no chance of a relationship, and you were met with silence. This could mean two things. One, he is disappointed and was hoping for more, or two, he wasn't bothered by this and wants to carry on having fun as is. But without direct communication about it, who knows. 

If you are feeling the way you are about the whole situation then it is clear to me you guys need to talk about it properly. I wouldn't say you are abusive by any stretch (though the only bit I thought was a bit off was having him do things he doesn't enjoy), but a conversation is needed. Then, if both parties are happy to continue as a result, then carry on if it makes you both happy and you both enjoy!

[Muni]

Hi @Muni

I will start off by saying that one thing that has struck me here from what I've read of your post is the lack of communication between you both. Eventually you said to him there was no chance of a relationship, and you were met with silence. This could mean two things. One, he is disappointed and was hoping for more, or two, he wasn't bothered by this and wants to carry on having fun as is. But without direct communication about it, who knows. 

If you are feeling the way you are about the whole situation then it is clear to me you guys need to talk about it properly. I wouldn't say you are abusive by any stretch (though the only bit I thought was a bit off was having him do things he doesn't enjoy), but a conversation is needed. Then, if both parties are happy to continue as a result, then carry on if it makes you both happy and you both enjoy!

I haven't considered that he may not even want what I would consider a "relationship". Whenever I am with someone I kind of spontaneously think about whether I consider them relationship status, so I assume everyone is like that. I do want to communicate more, but he is very difficult to talk to. He never says very much to begin with and avoids conversations. He tries to make everything instantly sexual. But i will try harder to have these conversations. He seems to slip out of them whenever I try to engage him.

[ChadCoxRox]

a simple gesture might be helpful one way or the other...

A simple note that says
"the truth is that while I think [you are] cute and sweet, I am not interested in a real relationship"
may be the very catalyst.

If not, then ride it out, school's going to be behind you so quickly in the grand scheme of things.

[Stefan Romir]

I moved into a dorm for financial reasons when I started graduate school. My roommate was assigned and I had not met him. We are about the same age but he is socially less experienced and is slightly built. We got along quite well for a few days. We did not discuss being gay, but I did notice him peeking at me whenever I was in my briefs or naked toweling off. By the end of the first week I just had to masturbate in order to go to sleep. I thought he was asleep and watched some porn on my cell for a while, and when I thought I was confident he was sound asleep I went at it. When I was close to climaxing, I was confused and shocked because he had leaped out of his bed and really bounded to my bedside, bent over and tried to get his mouth on me as I was already starting to pulse. There was no way I could stop it at that point so I just relaxed and let it happen. I tell you these details to show it was not me who initiated anything. After that, it got to where if he ever saw me halfway hard in bed or bulging in my briefs he would bound over and try going for it. I would let him unless I was just not in the mood. We barely talked about what was happening, but I not only let it continue, but would call him over whenever I wanted it. He is much more responsive when I sound angry and demanding, so although this is not the real me I do it as it makes him much more eager and obliging. I am really so busy and occupied with my studies and dissertation that I do not have time for a social life and this willing partner fits right in, but the truth is that while I think he is cute and sweet, I am not interested in a real relationship with him. I have as much as told him this. It clearly gets him sad when I talk about it, but he does not respond, and just seems to try harder to please me. Sometimes when I have had a bit too much to drink or am very tired or vulnerable, I have had him do some things that I know he does not really enjoy but does them because I ask (or maybe order) him to. I find that very satisfying that he will do them for me but feel it is wrong somehow. It is really such a good arrangement for me that I am reluctant to move out, which I know is the only way I could effectively stop this relationship if it is a relationship. So am I being a rat?