feel so insecure i want to kill self

[adzie]

Thank you for your help. I'm going to go to bed now, I'll check back after work tomorrow.

Night xxx

[CurtCB]

I am glad you snapped out of it.
I wasn't trying to be harsh but you need to understand this: Once you kill yourself there are no second chances.
When you are dying you can't just go "Oh I changed my mind"
Take care babe, I wish you and your bf well.

[adzie]

I am glad you snapped out of it.
I wasn't trying to be harsh but you need to understand this: Once you kill yourself there are no second chances.
When you are dying you can't just go "Oh I changed my mind"
Take care babe, I wish you and your bf well.

I fully understand that, although the thoughts there, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't want to put my boyfriend through anything worse than what I feel right now.

Again thank you.

xxx

[CurtCB]

adzie,
You need to talk to someone about those thoughts. What if they get stronger than your will to live?

[Shadow]

Shadow, thank you so much for writing that, you've helped a lot just by me reading that. I just got off the phone with him, i explained what has happened,i explained my past and he has apologised for triggering it off, even though i stressed that he wasn't aware of the events that followed (Ie now, this state of mind).

As for the friends and shoulder to cry on, my supervisor at work is also gay and has helped me a lot, much has the others I work with. For the first time in months, I also went out with my friends for once and actually enjoyed myself. Thinking about all the fun things we did in one night takes my mind of everything

Thank you for your help. I'm going to go to bed now, I'll check back after work tomorrow.

Night xxx

You're welcome babe. Just remember that even when things look their darkest, and you feel as though you have no way forward, there ARE ways of knuckling down and getting on with things - I went through a depressive bout when I was 19 and wouldn't wish it on anybody, so you do have my sympathies ...

Hope work goes ok for you - it's good to hear that you have people that you can spend a bit of time with ... I'd suggest you look to do that again sometime soon - it isn't to try and diminish or dispel what's happened, but to try and help you get perspective on it and, consequently, exercise greater control over it ... because otherwise it will run roughshot over you, and then things become a bit more of an uphill struggle.

I really do recommend GS - I for one have made, as I mentioned earlier, a few really good friends from it - people that *I* turn to when I need a sympathetic ear or honest advice ... I hope it serves to help you too babe.

.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[James]

I know the pain that over comes the will to live, there are many good people here that want you to know that they care, some don't understand the internal pain which would make someone give up, but look at those who took the time to reply, they care and so do I, please always talk to someone no matter how bad it gets, Jim

[Mark]

Okay I shall be honest here and I read this before anyone posted advice even directed shadow to it (knowing he is awesome), and I was afraid to answer it..

As you have had some awesome advice I'm not sure what I can add... But simply ask if you find yourself ever feeling like this again you try to put suicide out of your mind.. as That is a step too far obviously..

I think you did the right thing coming on a site like this and talking about it as there are some awesome people which can really help...

Personally people like me don't post often anymore well that much.. but if you ever need one of us drop us a message and we will be sure to reply as soon as possible and I can assure you everyone will be thinking the same.

I hope the situation has improved and sorry I didn't speak earlier.. Anyway hope you slept well (presuming you read this tomorrow) and I know this is bad terms but.. welcome to the site! Ever want to speak to me or ask me something pm me..

But believe me.. Anytime you need someone.. one of these guys will be sure to help xxx

[princealbertofb]

Adzie, first of all, to GaySpeak...
I don't know what's been said by all (and especially by Shadow) up to now, as I'm not going to read all of the thread right now to find out, but reading diagonally, it seems to me that something might have been left out of the counsel. OK, if someone has already said it, then, it's probably advice to take on board...

You say you are having a depression and that your head (and heart presumably) is having a hard time keeping above the water and not sinking. Well, it may be that you are really depressed, which is a medical condition that can be dealt with. Have you spoken about this to your GP? If you haven't, I would advise that you did. It might also help to talk to a psychologist or counsellor. Your GP would probably know who to direct you to, and if not you ought to see what's available in your area (the Southampton area is bound to have such groups) for gay teenagers... help groups, phone helpline, etc. You probably need to talk this out, and maybe if the depression gets too strong take some kind of medication.

What I'm wondering, since you are only 17, is whether your parents (or tutors) know you are gay... whether you are out, and whether this might have any incidence in you getting help. Please take your depression seriously if all you can do is go home and cry after work. It sounds like you need a little booster or at least something to calm your anxieties. Sometimes we think that we ought to get over our emotions, but real depression becomes an imbalance in the brain and can lead you to be self destructive, as you have told us here. Get medical help soon... and you may one day be counselling someone in your situation with the same advice. I hope you are feeling better and less sorry for yourself.
PA
PS I am glad to see that your boss and coworkers have already eased the pain a bit. You are young and your whole life is ahead of you. As Shadow said, think of how brighter the future can be if you shape it in the way you like.

[ardus]

Adzie, first welcome tgo our little comunity, and second, what the hell are you thinking. Let me tell you what I think, there is no one worth comitting suicide over. I'm glad you've come to realize there are better ways out of the negative things that you feel but let me tell you from experience, there are times in a man's life that he feels very bad about himself and the choices he's made. I'm a soldier, and a combat vetran, and the emotions I wnet through the first time I was in combat were incredible, I felt guilty, thought I was a bad person, all the stereotypes, but I got over it. I realized that I did what I needed to do, and you need to realize the same thing. Relationships are hard but they are not worth your life. Friends help, friends you can talk to help more, if you need friends you can talk to the guys on this site are great.

[adzie]

Morning guys,

I had a nice sleep thanks, but woke up upset once again. Regarding the comment about seeing my GP, I've been advised that already, but I'm scared to. I don't want my boyfriend to leave me and think I'm some 'freek' or something

I do know that I need some sort of 'happy pill'. Hell, I even tried drugs to see if it helped, but no