feel so insecure i want to kill self

[marshlander]

If he does love you he will support you in your recovery - not think of you as a freak. If he can't do that one important thing he will be stopping you from healing. I'm not passing judgement on his commitment to you, because he may simply find the whole experience overwhelming and not have a clue how to help. Princealbertofb knows what he's on about; he's had to deal with my recurring depression over the years and I could not have wished for better support. I am certain that it is mainly because of him that my own depressive episodes are happening with much less frequency these days and when they do come they do not last anywhere near as long.

I don't have any personal experience with recreational drugs, but I suspect they may not be a good route for you in your present state. If you can summon the energy to see your doctor you will have access to a range of options, but you won't know what those are until you do it. Unfortunately, this is one move where you have to make the effort yourself.

Good luck to you.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]So much great advice already given...

Have you sought phone advice? There are many hotlines and maybe someone can point one out to you in your area. Sorry, I dont know the system where you are.

As it has already been pointed out self medicating is not a good idea and can do more harm. Here is hoping that you will only need some talk therapy but if you do try some "happy pills" please make sure you follow directions exactly as prescribed.

Best of luck with your health and never think that you are a freak [/COLOR]

[adzie]

Good news

Last night, I went to see him. We had been talking via text and phone, however this time we just sat down, played about and were happy We talked about stuff, and I was honest and told him that I don't blame him for my past, but do blame him for triggering it off again.

I love him to bits, he does too So, I really think seeing him helped.

[marshlander]

Seeing him and talking face-to-face, eh? Strange that it never crossed my mind that you were talking about a hitherto virtual relationship. I am SO old-fashioned! :redface:

Best wishes to you both.

[adzie]

Oh no.. We're not some virtual relationship lol!! Haha :p I could never have one of them :p x

Should of been more clear, when I say been talking via text and phone I mean whilst he's been away.

[marshlander]

[peterinmalaga]

You are young, good looking and you have friends. Like everyone here I feel for your pain and like many others I have been in a similar situation in the past. You realise that drugs are not the solution and that is good: they will only give temporary relief and in the end they will make your life even more complicated. Visiting the GP is only a good idea, if you have a good and open-minded GP: the same applies to counselling. If you can find a good counsellor, fine – I didn’t! Whether you stay with this boyfriend or not, slowly things will get better and you will learn from the experience and emerge stronger. Deep down you know this and this is why you have not harmed yourself. This may seem trivial but it might help: get a good book – Tales of the city? (google it). I send you a strong hug of friendship from sunny Spain.

[princealbertofb]

I'm afraid Adzie, you're right about drugs, they won't help, unless they're the right ones and they're prescribed. Do go and see your GP. He or she will put your mind at rest. You don't need to tell your boyfriend why you need to see the doctor. After all, wouldn't he be relieved to see you stop crying?

[adzie]

It's happening again. I woke up all happy, but then i got paranoid again and I've become snappy and agitated with him. All I want is someone here to support me and to make me feel better and secure, but he won't let me see him because I saw him last night. Says he wants to get the experiance, to mix in with the others there. Yet, his course is 9am till 9pm so he's with the people all day.

This just makes me paranoid, upset and unwanted. I'm scared we're going to break up! But, I'm also scared I'm going to break up with him, I've been thinking about it a bit and I've told him that I want him to move on and break up with me. He just says he doesn't want to and that he loves me. I don't know what I want and my mind... going all over the place!

What can I do? I don't want to talk to my parents about it because my Dad's a complete cunt

[marshlander]

At some point you are going to have to take control. I don't see how anything is going to work out while you let all this stuff control you. Of course, when it comes to control, the only things over which you have a chance are your own actions and, in the longer term perhaps, your own feelings.

Your very needy behaviour is one thing that will eventually exhaust him and he will have to push you away for the good of his own health.

People have already suggested strategies for helping you do this.

Good luck. It's never easy to face our demons.