Wow I Thought I was the only one who used to play chicken with trucks. I had a really rough time about ten years ago and was on a 4-5 year suicide mission.
I know you said you don't plan on going anywhere but try not to do that anymore. I've had many close calls and did tell a few people who were able to help me.
I guess that's why they make medication, because something funky is going on inside your brain. Life can be hard, and it's so easy to say that you're done with it. I hate thinking about the things that I used to do to myself to inflict harm, but if there is a way to feel sad then there is a way to feel happy.
Just don't self medicate (IE drugs), because that will make you feel even worse. And don't be scared to tell you doctor or see a counselor, they've heard just about everything. I used to be really scared to get help because I thought that the counselor would know me from somewhere and start laughing at me...but obviously that's not true.
Good luck and I found it helps to talk about it.
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This is so commom among many gays, myself included.
I was in a very dark place 4 years ago, and the same as you it was like i just don't care anymore.
You have to tried and get better, its not easy but only you can make the difference, only you have to want to get better.
Is like a hole with no end, depression or apathy and it can lead to really horrible consequences.
Life is weird if you ask me, but somehow you just have to find a reason to live, a goal, an long term plan or dream, something to look forward too.
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]Well at least you're not alone in the sense that other people have felt or feel the way you do. When I think back at all the times I played chicken with 18 wheelers I just am glad that I never did it. When I opened up to a professional, I started getting labels like Bipolar Disorder. They just kept coming almost all of the time that I went to the doctors. The latest one was Ptsd. I used to say to myself WTF why are they diagnosing me with all of these things, now I feel even more crazier but in the same sense I was glad to know what was wrong with me.
Are you truthful with your doctors? I used to lie because I didn't want to be diagnosed with anything else, but it got me nowhere so I had to tell the truth and telling someone how you feel and having them listen is so good, just getting it out of your system, and screw the labels!
Do you feel stuff like it's hard to get your emotions out? I had a lot of empty , angry, hurt feelings in me and this might sound crazy but throwing a glass bottle somewhere safe might help. It feels so good just to release the tension. I'm not saying that you should go and throw glass bottles at people but maybe at a stone wall.
Anyways those types of feelings left me doing drugs, I now know that wasn't the greatest thing to do because you have to face your issues sooner or later!
Just somethings you might want to think about when of if you decide to play chicken. When I did it, I just didn't care, but remember that people care about you and you have to remember that you could hurt someone else: IE: The truck driver, pedestrians and so forth. I never thought about that until after the fact because you think that trucks are so powerful and safe...but in reality if the truck driver swerved to avoid you...I guess you know the consequences! It seems that people on this website have really good advice. [/COLOR]
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