hate myself for this

[Anonymous]

i really hate this and it makes me hate myself, ever since i was 16 or so, now im 29, i'd try to watch straight movies to become straight

i sometimes watch str8 movies now and i know im not bi bjt i feel so fkn dirty and like im doin gsomething wrong watchingi straight porn especially gang bangs

i just hate it but i do it dont know what to do please any advice

[marshlander]

I'm not really clear what sort of advice you are seeking. You know you are not going to become straight by watching straight porn.

If you are feeling bad about doing it, why are you doing it "sometimes"? If you were addicted (and a porn habit can be hard to shake off) you'd be watching it often.

If you are having trouble reconciling being gay and you think being on here might help then let's dig a bit deeper. Otherwise you could consider seeing your doctor for a referral to a counsellor.

[SeaOz]

kinsey himself said that homosexuallity/heterosexuallity with many people is not an all or nothing proposition. however if you are having these feelings after you watch the porn, perhaps you should speak to a therapist about it. i have known i was gay since i was 8 yrs old. from time to time i like to watch straight porn myself. but it will not make me straight, and i don't want to be anyway. being happy with who you are is the only real happiness in the world. only you can make you happy. good luck

[peterinmalaga]

Porn is not for real, it's about fantasies and sometimes about nightmares. If I understand you right, you are both attracted and repulsed by straight porn. I guess most gay men are like that: at the very least we are attracted by the man in straight porn, if the man has anything attractive about him. In gang bangs most of the actors are men, so I can understand you going for that. I think there is something that attracts many men in gang bangs. And it is not uncommon for a man to believe in romantic love and be turned on by a gang bang as well. We are full of contradictions but this is no reason to hate yourself. I think you do need to dig a bit deeper and try to find out why you have this “problem”. Feeling guilty (especially about sex) is something we are taught. Maybe by reading a bit more about this (or seeing a shrink) you could learn to feel less guilty. I hope that in time you will learn to enjoy your porn and your sex with a clear conscience!

[Amanda1981]

I view sexual orienation on a continuum, where no matter what your orientation you can appreciate all forms of sexuality. You should not feel ashamed or that you are doing anything wrong by watching straight porn. It is possible that your experience when you were younger watching heterosexual porn could have affected how you feel when you watch it now.

[Anonymous]

The porn is only 3% of it.
I am not sure what to say. If I say that I love myself I'm lying. If I say that I hate myself I don't know what to feel anymore and the worst feeling is feeling nothing.
It feels like someone is burning your insides. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I've tried everything there is to try to cure myself. A couple of things help drugs and stuff like that but now i'm a drug addict see nothing works out!!
I Just have a feeling of emptiness and that bottomless pit feeling and I wish I had a tranqulizer or someone would just hurt me even more because I deserve to be hurt be it emotional or physical I dont care. I'm single but hey maybe theres a guy who would want to date me and call me mean names

[Either-Or]

You don't deserve to be hurt, from the things you said you watched. I know you say it hurts/aches, it would be really bad not feeling anything. But I think what you need is a guy to love and comfort you, not to degrade or belittle you. Love is much stronger then hate, and can help drive it away. You don't need to cure your sexuality, you are wonderfully made. Thats my feelings on it anyways.

[marshlander]

The love of my man has often brought me out of some pretty desperate states of mind, even if at the time I felt deserving of the contempt I felt for myself. Over the years his support has gradually helped me not to dip so low, so hard for so long.

Best wishes.