how come im so suicidal

[Anonymous]

I'm in my early 30's and for the last 15 years I thought about ending it all. When I was 23 I tried to hang myself and I passed out. I tried to drive off a highway overpass but got too scared.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I tried to get into car accidents that would be fatal or take too many pills. Life was OK for a whiile then things started to go down hill.

I'm in a lot of debt, I hate the way I feel, smashed up my car because I did heroin and took pills then drove. Got kicked out of my apartment and had to move back home, no man in my life, hospitized for suicide threats to my shrink, gone to detox for drugs, getting older, not having fun, just want to sleep and so forth. I have no interest in anything.

I keep thinking about the best way to do it. I have to wait a few monthsh because someone I know is pregnant and I want them to have a healthy baby and wait for the holidays to be over but I can't take this anymore.

I keep thinking how nice it would be to travel to a famous bridge like Golden Gate in SF or All American in OH and just leap over.

I don't want to be 35 40 45 50 55
But if I were able to just be 60 in a flash I guess I would because the near will be close. I don't like anything or anyone lately and just want to be left alone. I got fired from my job, have debt, and just want to go away.

I am depressed, suposedly I have bipolar disorder and ptsd. I don't want to tell my shrink that i'm planning my death because I don't want to go to the mental ward again.

[peterinmalaga]

I have always believed that we have the right to commit suicide if we choose. But I also believe that even in death we have a duty to our fellow human beings, especially to those who love us. You appear to share this view since you say “I have to wait a few months because someone I know is pregnant and I want them to have a healthy baby”. Suicide should only really be an option when you have a terminal illness or are going to die anyway as a result of forces beyond your control. Being 30, 40, 50 and even 60 can be wonderful. Don't you want to see that baby grow up? And by the way you will be 60 in a flash, that's how it happened to me! Debt can be sorted and going bankrupt is sometimes a good way to do it and you can get help to do that. Drugs too can be sorted. There are some very good shrinks around (as well as some that are not much use). The right shrink could really turn your life around. I know because that's what happened to my son after more than 10 years of really desperate depression. Now everything is really good in his life. The last piece of the jigsaw is likely to be the boyfriend and he is out there and he's your reward for sticking with it and sorting your life out. Don't deny yourself that, don't deny that baby a good uncle, father, whatever.

[marshlander]

Don't know that I can add anything useful to what Peter has already written. I wish you some strength to hang on until things start to look better. I hope your shrink is trying to help with the depression. It sounds like a very dark place.

Best wishes.

[albabonzai]

I have spent a lot of time around Depression due to a friend and i can only say that no matter how bad you feel or think things have gone, they could be worse, but you have to find that little voice inside you that will give you the courage and happy feeling to say ' Ah Fu*k It ' and get past it and be happy with the little things and victories you can accomplish. I owe my life to a girl who happens to be my closest and most respected friend now who inadvertently stopped me from doing something stupid when i was at school. I in turn was given the chance to help her through when it turned out she has serious depression. She and i now really enjoy our lives after a rough few years and can now accept that no matter how much debt nor how much the human race can be a'holes as long as you know in your heart that life can be awesome if you let go a little and push the boundaries. I am sorry if i make no sense, i just hope you can realize that your not alone out there, you have always got a friend on here

xx

[mooninleo]

Hey anon. I'll cut to the chase here. It sounds like you have other peoples ugliness stuck in your head and its trapped there. I really think you need to try meditating. If you're not finding hapiness in anything, then maybe you were never shown how to love yourself or maybe understand what you're capable of. Ultimately you have to find these answers within yourself.. nobody is gonna give you what you need.

Try sitting for fiften minutes alone and focusing on your breath. Imagine you're breathing in happiness and picturing what you think is positive.. AND IF YOU CANT, then thats the problem. Maybe you're depressed because you're not looking at the potential here. So u'll be learning to understand what it is you like. discipline your mind. Hit me up if you want -- AUstin

[Lilmy87]

Hi,
Sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time. It is very hard, of course, to answer your question of why do you feel suicidal, but my first response would be that you twice refer to being in debt. This can actually be a big factor for those contemplating suicide; the wish to die is not because one truely wants to be dead, but feels they are facing such a difficult, insurmountable problem, that there is no way out but to die.

You describe being in debt, having no job (therefore great difficulty in repaying it), and seem to imply that you have little by way of support. So I can see how you do face a real problem. The fact that you suffer depression, however, perhaps makes it more likely that you will see this problem as hopeless, rather than merely challenging (which of course it is- I don't mean to dismiss that). Perhaps this is the main cause of your feelings?

I am not sure exactly how you would go about addressing this- I am sure it is a difficult road ahead. But it is positive that you are involved with psychiatric services, because they can support you, and help you overcome the depression. Although this won't eliminate your problems, it will help you feel more able to tackle them. From there you can set about finding ways to tackle the debt, find employment etc. But I am sure the first priority is to stable your mental health. I hope you feel able to fully engage with your shrink- it must be difficult if you fear being hospitalised. Maybe that is something you need to discuss with them? That is, explain you are worried about it and it is stopping you being honest with them, and also that you recognise you are at some degree of risk of suicide, but really want to get support to manage things within a community setting. I am sure the shrink also wants to keep you out of hospital if at all possible, so hopefully they will be receptive to this.

As with nearly all suicidal people, it also sounds like your degree of intent towards suicide fluctuates a lot. You say you have attempted several times, but have ultimately not been successful; you have now report that you intend to again, but have proposed a future date, having found a reason to keep going for the immediate future. I mean that not to dismiss how you are feeling, or suggest you're insincere, but to suggest that there is hope there, a part of you that doesn't want to die. I hope you can draw from the strength you have, and that small part of you that still wants to go on. Good luck, I really hope things get better for you soon.
xxx

[marshlander]

... Maybe you're depressed because you're not looking at the potential here. So u'll be learning to understand what it is you like. discipline your mind. Hit me up if you want -- AUstin

Apart from the fact that this post is nearly a year old and the anonymous guest did not return to comment further I am pretty certain I would find your comments unhelpful, verging on the offensive were they directed at me.

I'm sure you mean well but, until you grasp the notion that depression (particularly when it reaches suicidal depths) is NOT the same thing as being "depressed" at all, comments like yours will continue to heap even more pressure on sufferers who are already in desperate need of appropriate external support.

Telling a severely ill person to "discipline your mind" is not only insulting and demeaning, it is dangerous.

[Lilmy87]

Ah, sorry, I didn't notice how old the post was. I hope that person is doing better than they were then, anyways. I hope my post was not inappropriate also; I understand that the nature of depression is not something that can be snapped or rationalised out of. Sometimes I am too inclined towards seeking practical solutions, when one is not always sought.

[mooninleo]

Hey marshlander,

Yes I was aware that this issue is a year old.

I have a pretty firm understand of depression, and I wanted to give a helpful ear. Verging on offensive maybe, but to the point and direct, and supportive!

And if someones threatening suicide on a forum board aren't they looking for others opinions? I mean, I didn't tell him there was something wrong with him for being depressed. Hes threatening jumping off a bridge, not staying home at night. I think appropriate action is to fight fire with fire, oh you tauruses

[marshlander]

Hey marshlander,

Yes I was aware that this issue is a year old.

I have a pretty firm understand of depression, and I wanted to give a helpful ear. Verging on offensive maybe, but to the point and direct, and supportive!

And if someones threatening suicide on a forum board aren't they looking for others opinions? I mean, I didn't tell him there was something wrong with him for being depressed. Hes threatening jumping off a bridge, not staying home at night. I think appropriate action is to fight fire with fire, oh you tauruses

Okay, mooninleo, I suppose we have to agree to disagree on this one. Whilst I don't deny that meditation techniques can contribute to wellbeing, something of which I have personally experienced, there was nothing in the original message soliciting anyone else's opinions, except that the message was posted on public discussion board. I understand the desire to do something (oh, men ... always thinking they have to DO something ) but I read your message as being pretty close to telling him he could snap himself out of depression with a little change in attitude. I suppose there are people who can do this, but I do know that, when in a depressive state, that was the last thing I ever needed to hear, particularly on the days it took all my strength just to get out of bed. A rallying call was merely something else I didn't have the strength to deal with and confirmation that I was worthless and useless and it would have been another nail in that coffin lid that sealed the black hole I was in. It's not always necessary to do. Sometimes it's just okay to be - ask a woman

Thanks for being so gracious after my rant.

I hope Anonymous is okay and is feeling stronger.