Help! Boyfriend never wants sex anymore!

[AgentWashington]

When I got upset on Valentine's day, I didn't get mad at him, it just made me feel horribly rejected and frustrated. Most nights I'm able to just deal with it myself and keep it inside. It's just when it happens 2 or 3 nights in a row, I start to really believe he's just not into me and it really kills me.

Well, as I said, make a conscious effort to try to separate your feelings of being rejected personally from the fact that - for whatever reason - he's not being sexually intimate with you.

Because it sounds like he's still being intimate in other ways. Cuddling, kissing, showing you he loves you through actions...

When our lives are lacking something, it can be too easy to focus solely on what we aren't getting than to really look at and appreciate all the things we *are* getting.

I do completely understand how not having sex can really be wearing on you, but as I mentioned before, there is almost certainly a deeper reason for it, and I'll wager it has nothing to do with his love or attraction for you.

Find a nice quite time when you're both relaxed and don't have any plans, cuddle up and be close, and ask him if it's alright if you two talk for a while.

And then, and I can not stress this enough, do not have a conversation that consists of "Why aren't you having sex with me!? Why don't you love me?"

Making accusatory statements like that will only shut down any hope of real communication happening.

Ask him if there is anything you've done that has made him uncomfortable being close to you. Ask if there is anything you can do that could help him. Make it clear that you aren't just worried about sex, you're worried about him, because something clearly isn't quite right.

Let him know that he is able to tell you whatever it is without you getting mad... and then don't get mad, whatever he tells you. At best, if he says something that makes you angry, tell him you need to go think about that for a while and you'll finish the talk later.

[marshlander]

Now I wish I'd written that

When it comes down to it, and try as we may, we are rarely able to make decisions for anyone other than ourselves. Only he can decide whether he's going to lay off the masturbation long enough to leave a little something for you. Only he can decide when he's ready and able to take your wishes and needs into consideration.

Following AgentWashington's plan seems a useful way of gently leading him toward that place where he is able to make those choices.

[Jungle Rabbit]

Wow, thank you guys so much for the advice, I'm kinda looking at this whole situation differently now. I think putting constant pressure on him to have more sex with me may be making it harder and harder for him to perform.

I told him i'd like to talk to him tonight, so I'm going to take your advice Agent Washington. In the past I had been accusing him of not wanting to have sex with me and not finding me attractive, and you're right, he always shuts down, gets very defensive and the talks never really go anywhere. I'll approach our talk much differently tonight and see if we can figure some things out together.

One more thing I should have mentioned in my first post. He is still very young, he's 21 and I'm 30. Do you guys think that could have anything to do with our problem?

[fredv3b]

Age per se, I doubt it. However if there is a significant different in sexual experience prior to your relationship then that might be something to do with it.

[peterinmalaga]

re. masturbation. I have read that the more sex you have, the more you are capable of having. So I don't think that his masturbating would be the reason why he is "too tired tonight"!

[marshlander]

re. masturbation. I have read that the more sex you have, the more you are capable of having. So I don't think that his masturbating would be the reason why he is "too tired tonight"!

That may be true of 21 year olds :redface:

[AgentWashington]

I think putting constant pressure on him to have more sex with me may be making it harder and harder for him to perform.

B.I.N.G.O!

The more a person feels pressured to do *anything*, the less and less inclined they are to want to do it.

I truly hope that your talk goes well, and realize that sorting all this out will take time. It didn't happen overnight and it won't get fixed overnight either. Sometimes it's one step forward, two steps back. But if you never start, you'll never get there!

(((hugs)))

[littledigger]

There's lots of great advice here but some truth may be needed. Young lads get bored easily. Thats it, try opening the relationship.

[eastofeden]

I don't know if this will help at all but just in case....I met my lover when I was 29 and he was 21 and we had the exact same experience as you did...well...maybe not "exact" but very similar. He shut down after a year of great sex and I couldn't figure out what to do so I kept asking him to talk to me....the intimacy was still there but he had a definite resistance to sex.

It took five years almost but finally he got in touch with what was bothering him..he had been molested by his father and uncle for years and repressed it and sex eventually triggered the memories. He also went through a stage of looking for anonymous sex during the same period which is a common thing with anyone who has been molested but I understood it had nothing to do with me even before I knew the reason so I was cool with it because I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him...and I have...been together almost 24 years.

My advice...listen to him and respect him and if you really do love him it is worth the wait. I could have never imagined the reason he was backing off at the time but I trusted my gut and felt there was something bothering him deeply...took him almost 10 years to overcome his past and come to terms with it fully...and now we have an excellent sex life and have for years. A wise person once said anything worth having is worth waiting for. Good Luck!

[marshlander]

Kudos to you, eofe mile: