Not so great after all
03-30-2010, 03:09 AM
Hey everyone. I know i've not been as involved or good at answering PMs as usual but i've just been trying to get my head round a few things. I think it's time i opened up and asked for some advice from the older and/or wiser folks amongst our ranks.
I recently gave one of (what used to be) my closest friends his marching orders. It had been a ridiculously long time in coming, but that really isn't making me feel any better. I still feel like i'm losing out on and mourning what i thought he was years ago. We grew close quickly due to some shared experiences and a mutual appreciation of actual conversation. However he would always criticise my way of dealing with things, bringing up deep and powerful problems as examples of how i should deal with things his way. I remember one time he put a mutual friend of his who had been through the same trauma i had in touch with me, apparently having told this friend i needed someone to talk to about it without telling me. Which was not only a major betrayal of my trust but resulted in a conversation which i never wanted to have with someone i'd never met about something i can barely talk to my closest friends to without crying. Needless to say that resurfaced as a result and i had to deal with thinking about it all over again.
Last year (well, two years ago now, i guess) he came to visit and while staying in my house a) refused to eat my cooking, b) told me i kept a dirty house, c) bitched about the fact that (as i'd already told him) there wasn't a spare bed and he'd have to sleep on the sofa, d) went into my work and picked a fight with my boss and e) went off and stayed over with my ex not once, not twice, but FOUR times. Needless to say after that i told him i wanted nothing more to do with him. Mostly this was due to him pretending not to have known what he was doing. If he'd have had the balls to admit it i'd have probably been more lenient.
Then months later he turns up at my house unannounced as a 'surprise'. Anyone who knows me knows that i hate surprises and being caught off guard in general but he didn't seem to see why his turning up at my house unannounced after his previous behaviour would be of irritation to me.
I tried to stay friends with him after this but failed miserably, resenting him silently. Most recently he got with the guy i'd kinda started seeing ish (and i'd like to point out that my living abroad had made me cautious, but i gave it a shot ON HIS ADVICE). But still, it was another kick in the face and i told him i never want to see him again.
Now i feel lost. I tried so hard to do him better justice that he did me and i've just given up on what was, in the beginning, a very important friendship. I think about how i used to tell my friend how close we were and i cringe.
In other news my skin condition continues and is being made worse by the warm weather. The constant appearance of these unslightly blisters and the damage they do to the skin on my hands is having a major effect on my confidence. I feel so very unattractive right now and haven't made many friends in Vienna as i daren't say hello to people as it's painful to shake hands and i see the repulsed look on people's faces when they see my skin. I'm sick of being asked if i'm infectious. Most especially because i'm not. The condition also affects my feet, making it difficult and painful to stand up, never mind walking. My steroid treatments have thinned the skin on my hands so much that touching everyday objects is now a discomforting and often painful experience.
Now i'm alone, over a thousand miles from home and due to some serious fuckups from the authorities haven't recieved any of my funding for my time here and have literally €10 to my name and a €370 rent bill due for the 10th. Yay!! I turn 21 in a week and have literally one friend who's bothering to come and visit out of everyone who said they would. Not exactly what you'd call ideal. I really don't want to be in this place any more but i can't go home unless i drop the German half of my degree.
All in all i'm feeling a little bit helpless...
I recently gave one of (what used to be) my closest friends his marching orders. It had been a ridiculously long time in coming, but that really isn't making me feel any better. I still feel like i'm losing out on and mourning what i thought he was years ago. We grew close quickly due to some shared experiences and a mutual appreciation of actual conversation. However he would always criticise my way of dealing with things, bringing up deep and powerful problems as examples of how i should deal with things his way. I remember one time he put a mutual friend of his who had been through the same trauma i had in touch with me, apparently having told this friend i needed someone to talk to about it without telling me. Which was not only a major betrayal of my trust but resulted in a conversation which i never wanted to have with someone i'd never met about something i can barely talk to my closest friends to without crying. Needless to say that resurfaced as a result and i had to deal with thinking about it all over again.
Last year (well, two years ago now, i guess) he came to visit and while staying in my house a) refused to eat my cooking, b) told me i kept a dirty house, c) bitched about the fact that (as i'd already told him) there wasn't a spare bed and he'd have to sleep on the sofa, d) went into my work and picked a fight with my boss and e) went off and stayed over with my ex not once, not twice, but FOUR times. Needless to say after that i told him i wanted nothing more to do with him. Mostly this was due to him pretending not to have known what he was doing. If he'd have had the balls to admit it i'd have probably been more lenient.
Then months later he turns up at my house unannounced as a 'surprise'. Anyone who knows me knows that i hate surprises and being caught off guard in general but he didn't seem to see why his turning up at my house unannounced after his previous behaviour would be of irritation to me.
I tried to stay friends with him after this but failed miserably, resenting him silently. Most recently he got with the guy i'd kinda started seeing ish (and i'd like to point out that my living abroad had made me cautious, but i gave it a shot ON HIS ADVICE). But still, it was another kick in the face and i told him i never want to see him again.
Now i feel lost. I tried so hard to do him better justice that he did me and i've just given up on what was, in the beginning, a very important friendship. I think about how i used to tell my friend how close we were and i cringe.
In other news my skin condition continues and is being made worse by the warm weather. The constant appearance of these unslightly blisters and the damage they do to the skin on my hands is having a major effect on my confidence. I feel so very unattractive right now and haven't made many friends in Vienna as i daren't say hello to people as it's painful to shake hands and i see the repulsed look on people's faces when they see my skin. I'm sick of being asked if i'm infectious. Most especially because i'm not. The condition also affects my feet, making it difficult and painful to stand up, never mind walking. My steroid treatments have thinned the skin on my hands so much that touching everyday objects is now a discomforting and often painful experience.
Now i'm alone, over a thousand miles from home and due to some serious fuckups from the authorities haven't recieved any of my funding for my time here and have literally €10 to my name and a €370 rent bill due for the 10th. Yay!! I turn 21 in a week and have literally one friend who's bothering to come and visit out of everyone who said they would. Not exactly what you'd call ideal. I really don't want to be in this place any more but i can't go home unless i drop the German half of my degree.
All in all i'm feeling a little bit helpless...
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
MANY 
[/COLOR]
