A friend of mine...

[Anonymous]

Hi,
I was keen to express some feelings about a friendship of mine, to see if anyone has any thoughts or ideas, that may help me to decide how to proceed with things, and also to let of a little steam, to be honest. I'll try and keep this brief.

I have a good friend who I have known for a few years. I generally really enjoy her company, but the last few times I have seen her, I have found myself irritated with her. I find it hard to articulate or even fully understand why, I suppose it is the combination of several small, possibly petty things:

I often feel that her tactile nature is too full on- she can actually be quite rough and invasive of my personal space, which I find uncomfortable; she can be very loud, not listening too others and drawing attention to herself, often in negative ways, for example by using phrases and terms that could be offensive to people; we usually have to do what she wants to do, though she will suggest that this was a choice we made together; she can be quite 'b*tchy', and occasionally I have felt that this has been directed towards myself; she is very demanding of my time and attention, which can make it more difficult for me to enjoy time with my other friends... and so on, I'll stop before I get too petty!

Anyway, I struggle to understand why I feel like this; has she changed, or is it me? Should I, as a friend, just accept her foibles? Should I say something? Or maybe I have just outgrown the friendship. I am unsure what to do next- I've never come across such relationship problems in a platonic friendship before, but I am realising they can be as difficult as any other!

Thanks x

[marshlander]

Any friendship can hit a rough patch. Sometimes we just move apart. Being an old curmudgeon I'd find this all rather irritating and would go and hibernate or make other plans. If you are going to stay friends you are going to have to deal with this somehow. I don't know if you are in any position to start making demands as to how she should behave, because it sounds like once you start, you are going to be presenting her with a long list, which risks damaging her confidence and upsetting her. That leaves you being able to deal with her behaviour.

It does sound as though a cooling off period is required to give you chance to see your other friends.

Good luck.

[princealbertofb]

I've found that maybe something like writing a letter might be a good way to express your feelings; Letters make you think about how you present things and help you let off steam. When you read them over again (before sending, I recommend) you will see whether you are being too harsh or too judgmental and whether you need to address a particular point in a softer way. I'd say, however that you do need to express all the feelings you've expressed here, in a way that you hope she will understand. Maybe you need to think of some particular examples that illustrate what you've told us, times and places and circumstances, so that she can picture what a nuisance she's made of herself (at least in your eyes). Some people can be (in love or in friendship) quite possessive and it always ends up straining the relationship. As Marshlander said, maybe it's time to cool off a bit, but I don't think she'll understand unless there is an explanation. Also, I'd recommend that you do any serious talking at a time and place when there aren't any other people around (other friends or connections), just so she can get her bearings.

[eastofeden]

I used to find myself attracted to the same type of women...platonic friendships....I actually thought for a second I might have typed this anonymously LOL!

I can't speak for you but I figured out my bizarre attraction to these types of women...I was bringing my mother to me. The anger thing you speak of that took you by surprise...I realized thanks to my therapist that I felt like I would die if I expressed my anger toward my mother so I brought people to me that behaved like she did (crossed all my boundaries, ect) and I acted out on them and expressed my anger toward them instead but first I would set them up and just "love them" or else it wouldn't work....it is "projection" and when I realized what I was doing I agreed to break down my wall and get in touch with how I REALLY felt about my mother...it wasn't pretty but I was glad I did it and afterward I found I had no interest in these types of women or friendships anymore.

I was ready to pay my karma bill and own my role in the relationship vs making the other person the "bad one" but thankfully I realized that it is mutual...it usually is in these cases. Most of these women found a man who was non threatening to act out with as well (usually to experience rejection...daddy issues) so hopefully we all learned something before moving on....

[peterinmalaga]

All friendships have their limitations and I find it is best to give the friendship a little time to cool down from time to time. Nothing need be said, you can just find other things to occupy your time for a while. Of course another option would be to break the bond completely but you might regret that in the future, especially if this friend has been a large part of your life and you have had good times together.