04-24-2010, 02:05 AM
Hey,
I'm 23 and I've known my sexuality wasn't normal since I was about 9 years old - although I'm totally ok with other people being like that I've never really accepted it - actually thats a bit of an understatement, in that I struggled so much that when I was about 15 I started to self harm because I hated what I was so much. That went on for a few years, and I thought I was pretty much over it. I've never told anyone and I don't intend to - I kinda decided that I would rather live a lonely life than one where I was with a guy like that. And it's worked - I've only ever been in one relationship which lasted no more than 2months (with a girl) and I kinda just make out with a few girls now and then to keep people from suspecting anything (please don't think badly of me for that, it never goes any further than kissing so I don't think I'm being disrespectful or anything like that). Anyways, it had all been going well enough until recently - the last few times I've been out with my mates, random people have just started coming over to me and asking me am I "one of them (insert derogatory term)" and laughing at me in front of their friends, girls too, in fact just this week this huge guy came up to me while I was with my friends and started shaking me and shouting "you're one of them 'tart' boys" and he was getting really aggravated. I'm a total pacifist so I just stood there and didn't even say anything but I'm sure my friends heard. It just killed me to be honest. I don't know what I'm doin wrong. I wear nice clothes but so do loads of straight guys. These are people who don't even know me - so now I'm really paranoid that all my friends have already guessed too, and that they're all talking about it when I'm not there. I'm starting to feel really ugly because I rarely ever even so much as kiss anyone - and I can't stop myself from checking out good lookin guys in public. I feel sick because I've tried so hard to keep this thing secret and now random people are tryin to out me in the street. I haven't cried in ages but when this happened the other night I just ran out of the bar I were in and bawled my eyes out in the street, which thankfully nobody saw.I don't know what to do - I'm just trying to keep myself to myself and stay out of everyones way. And I just felt like I should get this off my chest because I haven't felt this badly in years - there isn't anyone else I can talk about this stuffy to.
Thanks for reading if you did.
I'm 23 and I've known my sexuality wasn't normal since I was about 9 years old - although I'm totally ok with other people being like that I've never really accepted it - actually thats a bit of an understatement, in that I struggled so much that when I was about 15 I started to self harm because I hated what I was so much. That went on for a few years, and I thought I was pretty much over it. I've never told anyone and I don't intend to - I kinda decided that I would rather live a lonely life than one where I was with a guy like that. And it's worked - I've only ever been in one relationship which lasted no more than 2months (with a girl) and I kinda just make out with a few girls now and then to keep people from suspecting anything (please don't think badly of me for that, it never goes any further than kissing so I don't think I'm being disrespectful or anything like that). Anyways, it had all been going well enough until recently - the last few times I've been out with my mates, random people have just started coming over to me and asking me am I "one of them (insert derogatory term)" and laughing at me in front of their friends, girls too, in fact just this week this huge guy came up to me while I was with my friends and started shaking me and shouting "you're one of them 'tart' boys" and he was getting really aggravated. I'm a total pacifist so I just stood there and didn't even say anything but I'm sure my friends heard. It just killed me to be honest. I don't know what I'm doin wrong. I wear nice clothes but so do loads of straight guys. These are people who don't even know me - so now I'm really paranoid that all my friends have already guessed too, and that they're all talking about it when I'm not there. I'm starting to feel really ugly because I rarely ever even so much as kiss anyone - and I can't stop myself from checking out good lookin guys in public. I feel sick because I've tried so hard to keep this thing secret and now random people are tryin to out me in the street. I haven't cried in ages but when this happened the other night I just ran out of the bar I were in and bawled my eyes out in the street, which thankfully nobody saw.I don't know what to do - I'm just trying to keep myself to myself and stay out of everyones way. And I just felt like I should get this off my chest because I haven't felt this badly in years - there isn't anyone else I can talk about this stuffy to.
Thanks for reading if you did.