What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Hey,
I'm 23 and I've known my sexuality wasn't normal since I was about 9 years old - although I'm totally ok with other people being like that I've never really accepted it - actually thats a bit of an understatement, in that I struggled so much that when I was about 15 I started to self harm because I hated what I was so much. That went on for a few years, and I thought I was pretty much over it. I've never told anyone and I don't intend to - I kinda decided that I would rather live a lonely life than one where I was with a guy like that. And it's worked - I've only ever been in one relationship which lasted no more than 2months (with a girl) and I kinda just make out with a few girls now and then to keep people from suspecting anything (please don't think badly of me for that, it never goes any further than kissing so I don't think I'm being disrespectful or anything like that). Anyways, it had all been going well enough until recently - the last few times I've been out with my mates, random people have just started coming over to me and asking me am I "one of them (insert derogatory term)" and laughing at me in front of their friends, girls too, in fact just this week this huge guy came up to me while I was with my friends and started shaking me and shouting "you're one of them 'tart' boys" and he was getting really aggravated. I'm a total pacifist so I just stood there and didn't even say anything but I'm sure my friends heard. It just killed me to be honest. I don't know what I'm doin wrong. I wear nice clothes but so do loads of straight guys. These are people who don't even know me - so now I'm really paranoid that all my friends have already guessed too, and that they're all talking about it when I'm not there. I'm starting to feel really ugly because I rarely ever even so much as kiss anyone - and I can't stop myself from checking out good lookin guys in public. I feel sick because I've tried so hard to keep this thing secret and now random people are tryin to out me in the street. I haven't cried in ages but when this happened the other night I just ran out of the bar I were in and bawled my eyes out in the street, which thankfully nobody saw.I don't know what to do - I'm just trying to keep myself to myself and stay out of everyones way. And I just felt like I should get this off my chest because I haven't felt this badly in years - there isn't anyone else I can talk about this stuffy to.
Thanks for reading if you did.

[fredv3b]

Hi Anon,

Being gay isn't abnormal, it isn't wrong and it isn't a reason to hate yourself. I know that might sound like a simplistic platitude but its true. I know it is hard work unlearning something you have been taught your whole life. Perhaps, start by asking yourself why do you think it is wrong for you to be gay?

I kinda decided that I would rather live a lonely life than one where I was with a guy like that.

You don't know how sad that sounds. Meeting my boyfriend was the best thing that ever happened to me. If a guy made you happy and you made him happy what's wrong with there being two less lonely people in this world?

This is obviously really eating into you. I'm sure you are spending alot of your time thinking about being gay, which is why you are paranoid about people thinking you are gay. That said you do need to becareful about where you check out good looking guys, may sure it is not the sort of place that you might get beaten up in.

I know my advice isn't very good, hopefully someone else here has some better advice. Buy your post reminded me of how I used to be, of the advice I wish I had heard, that I had to post something. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of and you need to stop being ashamed of it. I know you can't simply just stop being ashamed of something, but it is something you need to find a way of doing.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]WoW... kinda seems like youre living in the Twilight Zone doesnt it???

As Fred said, there isnt anything wrong with being gay and the first step to being at peace with yourself will be accepting that.

If at all possible you should accept that being gay is natural... you can continue to live a life of solitude, that is your choice and many do make that choice... but dont be a self-hating person [/COLOR]

[clarke33]

You need external professional help. You either need to get on the phone to the gay switch board, or find a therapist that can help. Not one of the god fearing "straighten you out" type. You have come far enough to post up in here, you aren't too far from accepting yourself. Once you accept yourself life will be easier.

[marshlander]

Hi Anon, congratulations on plucking up the courage to write to us here. I'm sure I am not the only one who is saddened that you are experiencing such a tough time at the moment.

It took me until I was in middle age until I could accept that I was gay. It was a horrible and shocking realisation at the time, but it answered many questions and helped me see my life in a completely different perspective. It sounds like we both may have considered being gay as "abnormal". As it happens it isn't abnormal at all, although those of us who are gay are obviously in a minority.

I did get some professional help for dealing with the depressions I had suffered over many years and I am very happy to admit now that I am gay. My counsellor helped me with a lot of things, that included. The best thing to have happened to me in the past decade has been to find a wonderful man and we have been partners for over seven years.

I found that not trying to hide and not trying to live my life in different bits felt like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. Until that point I thought that was simply a metaphor, but I am sure I walk more upright these days!

To be honest, the more you try and keep this important part of your identity a secret the more Mother Nature is going to clobber you. You will become very unwell if you don't find way of dealing with it and accepting yourself for the person you are.

Keep in touch, but see what the others have said and consider getting some support from some of the sources mentioned above.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

[flashymsnone]

That is actually the way i always felt growing up until i decided to come out to some family members. It was very hard for me to admit i was gay, i was a shame of myself, but after that i felt a relief. Good luck to you!!!

[spotysocks]

You keep hurting yourself with your denial. . If you dont want to tell everyone your true feelings about your sexuality then dont. It doesnt mean you are hiding means you dont make it an issue by accepting who you are , choose your friends more carefully and dont let anything stop you from having a normal life. When i say normal i dont mean do what straight people do but to be true to yourself. You should experience and live your sexuality , if you cant do that where you live then move somewhere that you can and put your guilts away.

You havent done anything bad and you are not anything bad. The people who try to out you in the streets are picking up on your insecurities. Remember these kind of people have problematic personalities and serious behaviour problems, picking on others to boost their ego. You should think to distance yourself from that and choose your friends. Instead of being embarrassed you have to learn how to be confident. There is nothing wrong with you, if you cant believe this at least take into serious consideration.

The ones you judge you badly because of who you are not real friends and dont worth worrying about what they say or think.

You said it worked for sometime hiding your sexuality... but what happened is to show it didnt really work. You are living someone else's life and you are faced with the challenge and the opportunity to taste freedom and lead a good life overpassing the obstacles OR lock your self in even deeper. When you do the later you lock your potential as a human being. Which one would it be?

As it was said before from others , i will advice you as well to find a good counsellor to help you put things into perspective. You will feel a lot better!