R'ship problem

[PeterJ]

Hi,

Not sure if this is in the right spot, but here goes...

I have a boyfriend who I don't think I find attractive anymore. Well, I'm not sure I really ever did. It's not that I think he's ugly or anything of the sort - he isn't at all. It's just that, well, he doesn't "get me going" anymore. I have very little interest in sex, and it's starting to cause problems between us - I mean, we do some stuff together, but he wants to go "all the way" and I don't know if I do. We've done it once before (my first time) and it didn't really work.

I don't know whether i just have a low libido - is that even possible? - or if it's to do with him or if I'm just doing something wrong.

I don't normally pay attention to Christian websites, but I did come across one that explained how sometimes a guy can lose interest in a partner if he starts getting himself "satisfied" elsewhere - through things like pornography, which I kinda do often...

I'm thinking there might be some merit to that idea. Maybe I'm just subconsciously preventing myself from getting in the mood around him because he can't match the impossibly high standards set by the models in porn films? Or maybe I just have some sort of libido, personal issue. I mean, I'm 20 we've been together for a few years now and we've still only really attempted it once. And I don't really seem to have much of an interest in trying those sort of things with other guys either.

I really do love my partner and we both agree that seperating is not an option at all. I just have no idea what it is preventing me from giving him what he wants. He's even said he'd consider an open-relationship, which until now he's always been dead against. I don't want it to end like that, so i'm hoping someone might be able to give some advice as to whether either of the options might be true, and how either can be fixed...

Cheers.

[fredv3b]

Hi Pete,

You bring up quite a few issues, I'll do my best to cover most of them. It is possible you just have a low libido but at the age of only 20 it would be a bit unusual. Also if you do have genuinely low libido why do you feel the need to satisfy yourself with pornography so often? It might be that your use of porn is 'using up' your sex drive, so it would be worthwhile cutting back, seeing if it helps. You are quite right that porn stars would be setting standards that you boyfriend could never realistically meet.

How were things when you two first got together, you imply you found him attractive then, how interested in sex with him were you then? You shouldn't confuse what you do and don't want to do in bed with your sex drive, just because you don't want to 'go all the way' doesn't mean you have a low sex drive, having a low sex drive means you don't want to have any form of sex.

You are clearly keen to give him what he wants in bed but how much effort. Does he put into giving you what you want, does he know what you want, do you? As obvious as it sounds, if you don't enjoy it, your sex-life is never going to be good. If sex has become all about trying to satisfy him and not enjoyable for you then its hardly surprising that you don't find it very appealing. Have you two talked about what you would like to do in bed?

[PeterJ]

Thanks for the response!

Yeah, it's pretty clear the whole pornography thing is something I gotta work on.

As for whether or not I was interested in sex at the start of the relationship, I honestly don't know. He's my first proper boyfriend and also the first for sex, so at the start I didn't really know what I was expecting. I knew I wanted to try at one stage, but then after trying I just lost all interest. I'm guessing we just did it wrong, somehow... I don't think my level of attraction towards him has changed at all, it's just my general desire for sex at all which is low.

And in regards to what I want... it sort of gets complicated there. This is actually where the whole issue began. He knows what I want and he gives me that. But the problem lies in the fact that what I want is only the more simple sort of stuff, like kissing, oral, etc, and it never leads to actual sex. Until recently I was actually so happy with everything in our sex life that I didn't realise there was an issue. But he's now come to me saying that he can't keep going like this, because it's him who is never getting what he wants - which is clearly to go all the way.

That's why I'm trying to figure out why it is I seem to have no interest in it and can't give him what he wants as well. I am now realising that it's been kind of selfish of me to be doing things with him that make me happy but ignoring the things that he wants.

[fredv3b]

I know am going out on a limb here but is the issue here simply that you don't want to do anal sex and he does, and now you feel a bit pressured by that? You were engaging in other forms of sex and you were enjoying it, sounds to me like you sex drive is functioning normally. As for not being massively attracted to your boyfriend, are your expectations of attraction too high? I'd love my boyfriend to be muscular stud with a six-pack, etc. but in reality there aren't enough of them to go around and having a loving, caring, etc. boyfriend is far more important to me.

If it is just that you don't want to do anal sex, then you are not the only gay guy not to want to. Have you tried to find other ways of pleasuring him? When you did try anal sex did it hurt? Pain is a terribly good way to put you off it.

[PeterJ]

Actually there was no pain involved, my boyfriend prefers to be a bottom, so when we tried I was the top. The problem was that, to be blunt, I just couldn't keep myself hard long enough for it to work lol. I just didn't get the least bit of satisfaction out of it, so I lost interest.

I've considered the idea that maybe I'm just one of those people who simply doesn't like anal sex... but if it's true I'm not really sure how I then go about solving the problem I currently have with my boyfriend. He's said pretty clearly that he feels he is missing out on things and doesn't feel "loved" in an intimate way and, although he is definitely wanting to stay with me (he says he feels loved overall, just not sexually, if that makes sense), if he can't get sex (anal sex, that is) from me than he wants us to consider an open relationship. Maybe I'll just try talking to him again 'bout what else I can do to satisfy him...

As for the attraction part. If it is true that I've been unfairly comparing him to the guys in pornography and the like, how do I then go about lowering my expectations so that when having sex (of any kind) I'm not thinking about other guys and can actually be turned on by him?

[fredv3b]

If anal sex between the two of you is going to work you need to enjoy it. Not necessarily as much as other forms of sex, but there is no point trying to carry on regardless if you are not enjoying it, you won't succeed.

Sex is allegedly 10% friction 90% fantasy. If your fantasies as elsewhere at the time you won't enjoy it as much. As for how to get turned on by your boyfriend, rather than by porn stars, try concentrating on what he can give you and porn can't. He can't compete visually, so ignore the visual. Concentrate on how the touch of his skin feels, it's warmth, his smell, etc.

[marshlander]

As always, fab advice from Fred!

A couple of things you mentioned interested me, Peter. You say you are 20 now and you've been with your boyfriend for a few years? Those years are times when we undergo pretty significant changes in our aspirations and interests. It is very likely you do not have the same priorities now as when you got together. That, of course, is only something the pair of you can address.

You also mentioned that you found out about the debilitating effects of porn from a Christian website. Take that advice with a pinch of salt and carry on doing what you are doing - at least thinking about whether you are diverting your energy away from your partner. My opinion (not backed up with any empirical evidence) is that it takes more energy to satisfy a partner than it does to masturbate. I think at least some men could probably masturbate more times in a given period than they could fuck. I don't know whether this strikes a chord with you? I would consider Fred's advice to ease off the wanking a little. I am definitely not advocating giving it up and devoting yourself to his pleasure. Sometimes it helps to keep the kettle boiling!

As someone I know once wrote about sex in a song, "...it's a lot like playing the violin, you cannot start off and be Yehudi Menuin ..." If you have only tried to top once it is possible that whatever you tried wasn't quite the right thing for you, as well as for him. Some tops are stimulated by seeing their partner bent double underneath them, others may prefer to see the world from behind. Some tops actually find it easier to maintain an erection by lying on their backs and letting their partner sit on top of them. If you do love him and want to please him, you'll work it out eventually. If he does prefer to bottom it is clear that you'll have to try a few things to help you both rekindle the sex in your lives. Just as John Cage said "It's all music" (you may have gathered by now that I'm a musician ) my partner and I both agree that "it's all sex". Sex isn't just anal intercourse, it's the whole deal from the glint in the eye to the smiling, kissing, hugging, talking, touching, through the use of all your senses to give and receive pleasure up to and beyond the point where one or both (or all!) partners ejaculate. So sometimes you or he or maybe even both don't cum (although that would be less likely at your age, I seem to remember ). What does that matter, in the grand scheme of things? Again if you love each other you can share out the goodies. Try your best to enjoy the journey and by the time you get to my age you may have reached a similar opinion that the journey really is the best part of sex. As a penultimate course (before you head for an open relationship) have you both considered using toys for his pleasure and stimulation?

Best wishes to you both. Try to have fun.

[fredv3b]

Great advice from Marshy too. Just to be clear I wasn't suggesting completly giving up on porn, just cutting down.

As someone I know once wrote about sex in a song, "...it's a lot like playing the violin, you cannot start off and be Yehudi Menuin ..."

I'm sorry but the instant thought in my head was how did he/she know what Yehudi Menuin was like in bed?;o)

[marshlander]

... I'm sorry but the instant thought in my head was how did he/she know what Yehudi Menuin was like in bed?;o)

He knew just enough to get the band into the top ten singles chart with this song in 1975 ... so I expect that means he guessed.

[PeterJ]

Many thanks to the both of you. I'll definitely be taking your advice onboard. I think I'm going to have to bring it all up with the boyfriend before any of it gets sorted. Surely there has to be some sort of way we can both end up satisfied!

Marshlander, I'm as shocked as anybody that I actually took the whole Christian advice thing into consideration - I'd normally be the last person in the world to do that! But yeah, at that stage I was just so confused that nearly anything I read seemed to make sense! But I do agree, as Fred has implied, that although it's not necessary a barrier between me and my boyfriend, it definitely is harming it in the amounts I seem to be consuming of it lol.

Oh, and just as a sidenote, I thought I'd let you know that both of your musical references flew straight over my head :biggrin:

But again, thanks for the all the advice. It's far easier to turn to a bunch of random people on the opposite side of the world for sex advice than close friends!