serious relationship with serious issues

[iamjack]

SO, unlike some, I love being in monogamous relationships: I've had 2 in the past and I'm currently several months into a new, amazing relationship with an amazing guy.

I've gone and got myself paranoid about two big issues and I dont know how to deal with them or bring them up:

first off, I noticed he was getting email notifications about updates on a gaydar-like site. I found his profile and on it, he says he is looking for, among other things, sex. I know he has talked to someone on their while we have been together. We agreed that drunken accidents were ok but not actively going out and looking for sex. this has really upset me a great deal, he knows nothing right now and I don't know what to say. I also dont want him to think I've been snooping on him, because i havent.

Secondly, he has tried to kill himself in the past, I'm assured that this is in the past, but i accidentally stubbled across a bookmarked website of his that has extensive details of the best way to successfully kill yourself. It has made me very sad and i don't know what to do about it. I suppose it could be an old link but it wasn't very well hidden and quite prominent on his computer.

Although we agreed to be open and honest, he has told me different versions about several previous times he has or hasn't had sex and assured me that he didn't self harm anymore, but has self harmed when we have been together.

This guy is a serious keeper, I know from past experience that I probably wont be able to continue this if he has covered up meetings he has had with other guys for sex, call me old fashioned. I'm so scared that if i talk to him about it he will lie about it to keep the relationship going (and cover it up in the future), making me feel worse, or say he has been meeting up with other guys and that it will all be over. If we sort all this out, how on earth do I deal with this in the future, particularly suicide.

[Genersis]

Hmm.
Tell him that you care about him so much and that you found these things and that your worried about him.(Try not make it sound like your the victim, If you make him feel guilty he's more likely to lie and get angry at himself)
Make sure you let him know your not mad, just worried.

Suicide is normaly caused by guilt or self hatred, try to minimize the chance of these reactions.

I'm affraid I'm not expirienced in relationships(so i wouldn't take any of this as 100% fact), but thats my advice.

GOOD LUCK!

[princealbertofb]

Hello Jack (youarejackaren'tyou?)
Well, I think you can't change him if he doesn't want to change but you can change yourself if you so wish, so the best way to go about it is maybe to change your own attitude and way of looking at life (and as it happens, death). If this partner is intent on killing himself again at any time, he will probably succeed in his attempt but aren't most attempts at suicide just the kind that will make people notice? I'm afraid I don't know much about suicide, but I think anyone who really wants to die will choose the right way to do so. If it's botched, then the desire to die wasn't so strong to begin with, or it's been dampened by that little thread that hangs on to life and the good things in it.
Have you any reason to doubt your partner's happiness at the moment? If so, you could maybe just talk about yourself and how you are not completely happy because you are worried. He ought to be asking you why and what about. If it is his welfare you are worried about, then he might try to set you at rest. Don't say anything about what you've discovered, as; again, you may just be interpreting something that doesn't bear that much importance any more.
One of your worries is that he may not be playing the monogamous game. I don't think you can prevent anyone against their will from dabbling in some sex on the side if they don't feel the monogamy thing applies to them, or if they are looking for something different in sex. That's why I was saying that you can try to change your personal rule about monogamous sex and give him the freedom to explore his sex life, but setting down the rule that he MUST be careful so as not to jeopardise your own safety and health. If you both agree that the rule goes also for you (that you can experience sex in other settings) then he will probably be less likely to cheat. You may also want to set the rule of whether you want to know about his sex on the side or not and also decide whether there would be any point in you being part of it (in a threesome, say). I know you are NOT interested, but it's just that you've got to be realistic about what human nature is like.
As you are aware, the pressure you might put on him about being monogamous may lead only to cheating and lying and I think that's worse than anything because once the trust is broken, then it's very difficult to mend.
Another solution that springs to mind is counselling. If you feel that you are hitting a wall and can't go any further in the discussion, see if you can get counselling about the situation, either on your own or as a couple. Maybe it'll help you sort issues such as his self harming and your worries about him.
Hope you manage to get your head around this, Jack...
Good luck.
PA