06-06-2010, 09:40 AM
Hello,
Over the last couple weeks, I've started to accept that I'm gay, or queer in some way. I'm a male in my 20s. When I look at my present feelings for men, my past relationships with women, and my life experiences since childhood, it makes sense that I'm gay. But I've also had rare instances of feeling certain ways that make me wonder if I could be transgender. I'm writing to ask if anyone (gay, transgender, straight, any gender/sexuality) can relate to this. Maybe it's even a common feeling for gay men to have. I know that no one but me can decide my sexuality, but I'd appreciate any advice from someone else who has been here.
Since I began to accept that I'm queer, I've remembered a certain feeling that it would feel good to have a female body. That feeling has come on very isolated occasions - just a few times, and only in recent years. To be honest, it came as I was looking at straight porn, when I identified as straight. I thought "wow, I'm envious of the women... that looks like fun." Meaning, pleasurable to have a woman's body and relate to a man sexually in those ways. It seemed like a random thought and hasn't occurred to me much. But now that I'm questioning my sexuality, I find I can summon that good feeling of having a woman's body (even to have breasts, but that still feels sexual). And when I'm in that state of mind and I look down and see that - yep, I'm a guy - I feel disappointed.
In general, I've never had a problem with having a male body. I wasn't into girl clothes growing up, and women's clothing isn't particularly interesting to me now. I strongly preferred having male friends well into adolescence, perhaps even now (which I now see as an indicator of being gay). But this feeling that it would be nice to have a female body - seemingly only as a sexual feeling? - that is there.
One thing I've noticed is that this "woman's body" state of mind seems to conflict with the "gay" state of mind. That is, when I see a cute guy, it feels wrong (psychically not cool) to imagine having sex with him as a woman.
Can anyone relate to this or help me make sense of it? Maybe it's a little premature to be thinking about this, as I've only just begun to acknowledge my feelings for men. I'd actually like to explore that for a while and all that goes with it. But since it's pretty clear that I've been in denial about my feelings for guys for so long, I'd rather not be in denial about being transgendered for additional years if I can avoid it.
Thank you for reading. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Over the last couple weeks, I've started to accept that I'm gay, or queer in some way. I'm a male in my 20s. When I look at my present feelings for men, my past relationships with women, and my life experiences since childhood, it makes sense that I'm gay. But I've also had rare instances of feeling certain ways that make me wonder if I could be transgender. I'm writing to ask if anyone (gay, transgender, straight, any gender/sexuality) can relate to this. Maybe it's even a common feeling for gay men to have. I know that no one but me can decide my sexuality, but I'd appreciate any advice from someone else who has been here.
Since I began to accept that I'm queer, I've remembered a certain feeling that it would feel good to have a female body. That feeling has come on very isolated occasions - just a few times, and only in recent years. To be honest, it came as I was looking at straight porn, when I identified as straight. I thought "wow, I'm envious of the women... that looks like fun." Meaning, pleasurable to have a woman's body and relate to a man sexually in those ways. It seemed like a random thought and hasn't occurred to me much. But now that I'm questioning my sexuality, I find I can summon that good feeling of having a woman's body (even to have breasts, but that still feels sexual). And when I'm in that state of mind and I look down and see that - yep, I'm a guy - I feel disappointed.
In general, I've never had a problem with having a male body. I wasn't into girl clothes growing up, and women's clothing isn't particularly interesting to me now. I strongly preferred having male friends well into adolescence, perhaps even now (which I now see as an indicator of being gay). But this feeling that it would be nice to have a female body - seemingly only as a sexual feeling? - that is there.
One thing I've noticed is that this "woman's body" state of mind seems to conflict with the "gay" state of mind. That is, when I see a cute guy, it feels wrong (psychically not cool) to imagine having sex with him as a woman.
Can anyone relate to this or help me make sense of it? Maybe it's a little premature to be thinking about this, as I've only just begun to acknowledge my feelings for men. I'd actually like to explore that for a while and all that goes with it. But since it's pretty clear that I've been in denial about my feelings for guys for so long, I'd rather not be in denial about being transgendered for additional years if I can avoid it.
Thank you for reading. Any advice would be very much appreciated.