Transgender or gay?

[vislok]

Hello,

Over the last couple weeks, I've started to accept that I'm gay, or queer in some way. I'm a male in my 20s. When I look at my present feelings for men, my past relationships with women, and my life experiences since childhood, it makes sense that I'm gay. But I've also had rare instances of feeling certain ways that make me wonder if I could be transgender. I'm writing to ask if anyone (gay, transgender, straight, any gender/sexuality) can relate to this. Maybe it's even a common feeling for gay men to have. I know that no one but me can decide my sexuality, but I'd appreciate any advice from someone else who has been here.

Since I began to accept that I'm queer, I've remembered a certain feeling that it would feel good to have a female body. That feeling has come on very isolated occasions - just a few times, and only in recent years. To be honest, it came as I was looking at straight porn, when I identified as straight. I thought "wow, I'm envious of the women... that looks like fun." Meaning, pleasurable to have a woman's body and relate to a man sexually in those ways. It seemed like a random thought and hasn't occurred to me much. But now that I'm questioning my sexuality, I find I can summon that good feeling of having a woman's body (even to have breasts, but that still feels sexual). And when I'm in that state of mind and I look down and see that - yep, I'm a guy - I feel disappointed.

In general, I've never had a problem with having a male body. I wasn't into girl clothes growing up, and women's clothing isn't particularly interesting to me now. I strongly preferred having male friends well into adolescence, perhaps even now (which I now see as an indicator of being gay). But this feeling that it would be nice to have a female body - seemingly only as a sexual feeling? - that is there.

One thing I've noticed is that this "woman's body" state of mind seems to conflict with the "gay" state of mind. That is, when I see a cute guy, it feels wrong (psychically not cool) to imagine having sex with him as a woman.

Can anyone relate to this or help me make sense of it? Maybe it's a little premature to be thinking about this, as I've only just begun to acknowledge my feelings for men. I'd actually like to explore that for a while and all that goes with it. But since it's pretty clear that I've been in denial about my feelings for guys for so long, I'd rather not be in denial about being transgendered for additional years if I can avoid it.

Thank you for reading. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[marshlander]

I don't know whether I have anything to say that will be of any use, but as someone who took many, many years to acknowledge being gay I can say that I have never had a wish to be a woman. I like being a man and I like being with another man.

Well done for having the courage to confront these feelings. I often think that being transgendered must be so difficult. Transgendered people are not understood in the straight world and rarely, sadly, are they understood in the gay world either.

[vislok]

Hmm... after posting, I thought about what I'd written, and these ideas occurred to me later in the day. Maybe I'm just in denial, but the following makes some sense.

Based on what I've written, it sounds like maybe I have, on rare occasions, had a sexual fantasy of being a woman. This could happen, I think, regardless of my sexuality. As I said, I am in general pretty happy being a man. I like what I see when I look in the mirror, and feel fine with my physiology. Only when I'm in that state of mind, or fantasy, of being a woman, do conflicts come up. And in most of my fantasies - the other 99.9999% in fact - I'm a man, and that feels plenty good. This said, I'm not sure what it means to occasionally fantasize about being a woman.

I also think that I'm doing a lot of theorizing based on very little data. I've just realized that I have feelings for guys. When I accepted that, it felt pretty awesome to get excited and melty over guys, and to want to express my whole, what I'd call gay, personality, and to be open to touching other men. It felt more right than my feelings for women have for my whole life. I think I should continue to open up inside about men and to connect to other men and see how I feel. Maybe in doing this I'll learn more about my sexuality. I'm concerned that I've taken these rare instances of imagining myself as a woman and blown them out of proportion in my quest to understand my newfound sexuality.

[marshlander]

That makes a great deal of sense to me. I found, when finally I was able to acknowledge my sexual orientation, that I was in a very dizzy and emotional state. I remember feeling that a lifetime's worth of suppressed emotional responses surfaced all at once. It was a hell of a difficult time.

Take it one day at a time and enjoy the journey.

[jet2A]

Makes sense. I mean I will stomp around in platform stilettos with the best of em, but I've never giving up my schlong. I get the fantasy thing too. My diagnosis is....NORMAL. Or as normal as any of us can be

[vislok]

I found, when finally I was able to acknowledge my sexual orientation, that I was in a very dizzy and emotional state. I remember feeling that a lifetime's worth of suppressed emotional responses surfaced all at once.

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, that has been the most, emmm, upsetting thing about all this. I can see that, both on a daily basis, and in some big choices I've made in life, I've skewed my freakin' self to not seem gay.

Would you share more about your experiences - in realizing inside that you were gay and in letting out your emotions? Do you have any advice on how to unsuppress?

Maybe we should start a new thread about this topic. Is there a way to split off from this thread? (I'm new to online forums.)

[vislok]

Makes sense. I mean I will stomp around in platform stilettos with the best of em, but I've never giving up my schlong. I get the fantasy thing too. My diagnosis is....NORMAL. Or as normal as any of us can be

I'll also admit that from time to time I've wanted to try some blush... what? I just think I have nice cheekbones...