Homophobic Friend

[Anonymous]

Hi

About a year ago I came out to my best mate. By this point I had grown very fond of him and come to care about him a great deal and would consider him more like a brother than a mate.
It went very well with him saying things like it doesn't make a difference and he didn't care what I was as I was his friend. He was supportive but never asked anything about my sexuality and hasn't asked anything since. I was happy enough with that until a few weeks ago.
We were out on the town with a few of his mates he knows from where he comes from when they spotted two girls kissing by the side of the road. His mates pointed them out to him and as he looked over he said things along the line of "Thats disgusting" and "That's not right". I shrugged it off and didn't think much of it until another incident a couple of weeks later. Again we were out having a few beers when a guy passed by that he percieved to be gay. As the guy walked past my mate started making some very mild homophobic references which started getting some laughs from the folk that were with us.
I confronted him about both of these incidents a couple of days later and he apologised and said "I won't make homophobic comments IN YOUR COMPANY again"
We then got onto talking about him accepting my sexuality and how would he feel if I talked about being with guys in the same way he talks to other guys about being with girls. He's said that he would feel uncomfortable with that and wouldn't want me to say anymore than I had pulled a guy at the weekend. However he continues to talk to other guys whilst I'm there about his sexual encounters and other guys sexual encounters whilst i'm around. I don't feel uncomfortable with this and would happily join in the conversation so long as I could talk like that with him. His quote when asked why can't I talk about sex is that "the thought of two guys turns his stomach" . All he say is that so long as he doesn't know he's happy.

I don't know what to do as I feel as though I'm having to keep aspects of my life hidden which to me was supposed to end with coming out to him. He also did say to me that he wished I hadn't told him as he feels as though it has changed how we are as mates and "He never asked to be told"

If he was any other mate I'd have ditched him a while ago but as I said I have grown to care about him very deeply and don't want to lose him. I can easily say right now that I want to be friends with him for the rest of my life and i'm proud to call him my mate.

Any advice anyone would have would be appreciated. Even if it is to tell me that I'm being unreasonable to expect him to talk about guys I've been with and sex.

Andrew.

[marshlander]

Some things are just personal and private. I would not expect to go into detail about my sex life with anyone apart from my partner. Maybe that's as much a generational thing in my case though? I have found that I have had to tell people on occasions that they are sharing too much information. Perhaps that puts me in the same boat as your friend?

I understand that you want to keep this man's friendship, but from what you've said, he doesn't deserve yours. That's a shame, a shame for you, but much more shame on him.

Maybe it's time to widen your circle of friends a little so you can put a little more perspective on this man. That's not an easy call, I know, so I wish you good luck with that.

[thepoetguy]

Some things are just personal and private. I would not expect to go into detail about my sex life with anyone apart from my partner. Maybe that's as much a generational thing in my case though? I have found that I have had to tell people on occasions that they are sharing too much information. Perhaps that puts me in the same boat as your friend?

I understand that you want to keep this man's friendship, but from what you've said, he doesn't deserve yours. That's a shame, a shame for you, but much more shame on him.

Maybe it's time to widen your circle of friends a little so you can put a little more perspective on this man. That's not an easy call, I know, so I wish you good luck with that.

I sort of agree with marshlander except I don't see outing yourself to your friend as over-sharing. You were telling someone you care about something really important about yourself--friends do that! And friends RESPECT that, which, unfortunately, doesn't seem to be how your mate is handling this.

Yes, widen your circle of friends so you have people in your life who can accept you for being gay. As for your mate, well, you both seem young, so I'd say give him time. Sometimes people change. You might have to wait a while; you might even have to not hang out with him as much and see if he values your friendship enough to ask why you're keeping your distance. Good luck!mile:

[marshlander]

I sort of agree with marshlander except I don't see outing yourself to your friend as over-sharing. You were telling someone you care about something really important about yourself--friends do that! And friends RESPECT that, which, unfortunately, doesn't seem to be how your mate is handling this...

Whoa! I apologise if my poor writing led to misunderstanding, but I would certainly not advocate staying in the closet unless there happened to be a VERY good reason. Thepoetguy and I are in total agreement on the above point!