My bf found out that I watch porn

[SrChulo]

Honestly I did not think this was a big deal. Is it???

My bf of 8 months has always joked with me about.. not jerking off so i'd have a bigger load when we have sex. We only get to have sex about once a week because he's really busy. We don't live together obviously.

The other day, it slipped out that I had jerked off a day before we had sex, and that time I couldn't come... which, yes, is embarrassing, but I'm confident that it was an isolated incident. I kind of blamed it on "i've been jacking too much."

This is pretty embarrassing. Anyway... I don't know.. i'm 22! If I only have sex once a week, my hormones are raging EVERY single day..and yes i want to relieve that somehow! My bf got super depressed when he came to this realization. As if I were cheating on him or something! Am I out of touch here? Should I not be jacking at all since I have a bf?

Now he is asking me, "What if I had done it, how would you feel?" Honestly, I..... think he doesn't just because he doesn't have time and he's terrible on computers. haha. He has a slightly lower sex drive than I do, which is totally cool. Another thing he's saying is "OK, i just have to change the way I think about you now... " and "how would you like it if I were going around fucking everyone i wanted?" I don't know how to answer these w/o making the situation worse.

Now... the reason I'm not LAYING it into him on how masturbation is normal is because his sensitivity has totally caught me off guard. Recently I've been thinking that our relationship isn't that serious. There have been some instances where I question the "love" he really has for me. (we've never said i love you.. def not) I began to think that I was giving more than he was giving to me. Anyway, after something like this... a part of me is relieved to see that he gives a damn about me. Part of me thinks it's cute that he doesn't want me jerking...but the other part is... like... come on man...

Am I in the wrong? First of all, I admit that it wasn't the smartest move to tell him.. it kind of happened by accident. That's one of his arguments, that he could have guessed that I was doing it, but he didn't want to hear and confirm it. "It's not a beautiful thing" and "it's not constructive" ...both statements are true I guess. Okay... give me a reality check if I need it. Thanks for reading my wall of text.


Cliff notes
1. bf found out I jack off
2. thinks it's as bad as cheating
3. idk how to answer his hypothetical questions

[Geminight]

I'm not saying you should stop but if you can and it helps your relationship ( cause it seems like you got a good one here) try it. But you should try telling him the way you see it, don't give him the masturbation speech but express to him your sex drive compared to his and things like that. And also try to see things his way a little more too, some people do see masturbation as the same thing as cheating. Explain to him also that your not trying to do anything to intentionally hurt your relationship with him.

[SrChulo]

Thanks for the response... i agree. i'll try that tonight if he wants to bring it up again. At least he has invited me to sleep over but no, he doesn't sound very happy.

[princealbertofb]

Hey Señor Chulo,
I don't think you're doing anything wrong... Your boyfriend may be sensitive, but I'm not sure he's showing much common sense. It's as ridiculous to ask you to refrain from masturbating as it would be to ask you to refrain from drinking (any refreshment, not talking about alcohol here). It's surely part of your normal hygiene to masturbate and make sure the tubes work. I'd say it's part of a healthy man's practice if he feels he needs it and it certainly isn't anything like cheating. Sometimes it helps a man to find sleep too.
However, I guess what your boyfriend may be saying is that you are watching porn to do this and maybe that's the part that shocks him. If you were, say, masturbating thinking of him, and only doing that, maybe he could accept it? So I think you'd better check with him if it isn't the porn watching that disturbs him. Maybe he thinks it's too degrading.

As far as I'm concerned, and I hope I won't disturb my boyfriend here by saying so, I find porn helps me concentrate on the job, but it doesn't mean that I'd like to go out with any of these guys. They are eye candy, that's all, and they are mostly strong and healthy. Sometimes you can tell that they are not having much fun and only doing it for the money, sometimes you can see they are really into it and enjoying it. Sometimes porn may even give you some 'naughty' or saucy ideas, to spice up your own sex life.
Occasionally, out of curiosity, I'll watch something that I don't think I would ever be caught doing myself, just because it's not my sex life or fantasy at all (things like fisting or golden showers etc, they are all part of some form of sexuality but they don't have to be part of your normal practice), but I find it informative in some way, even if I know it's all staged.

I think we ought to thank the Internet for making this type of thing available to us, so that we can see what other forms of sexuality and practices exist without having to experience them first hand. It's a bit as if you were watching a sports game rather than actively taking part in a game, you can tell him. The thrill is quite different, and I'm sure your sex life together needn't be spoilt by the fact that you sometimes masturbate to porn. You might add that masturbating to porn is much much better than having wanton sex with other guys and maybe risking some unhealthy sexually transmitted diseases. Porn is a safety net against promiscuity, after all.
Have you asked him what his hangups were about pornography? Are they religious or humanitarian (principles)?
If he considers that you are being unfaithful to him, then try to address the problem but he shouldn't be asking you to promise anything that you won't be able to hold; it would be unrealistic and (to my mind, at least) a little bit selfish and manipulative, don't you think?
Take care...
PA

[eastofeden]

May I suggest perhaps the problem isn't really with you watching porn but maybe his own feelings about himself and porn and it may be easier to project his feelings on you instead of coming to terms with them himself? It is never easy approaching anyone with this kind of information but it may help you understand things better and perhaps you could initiate a dialogue and ease him into his own skin...as gently as need be?.

[juk]

I agree that its probably more about the porn than the masturbation, although I would guess that he is not comfortable with either.

He seems to feel its a betrayal on him, and I imagine in his mind he feels that the sex you do have together should sustain you until the next time because it does him. Maybe he even feels that there is something wrong with masturbation?

You could just wait for it to all blow over and then tell him you dont do it anymore, but why should you lie about it? Besides, he will always wonder if you are still doing it!

Personally I would talk to him, tell him that you understand why he feels upset and explain that you do it to meet a need. I dont think you need to change your understanding, but he needs to change his. You could always try and involve him with a little phone sex?! I also think a lot of this is about feeling secure in the relationship, so why not give him a few little reassurances mile:

[ben]

Maybe he's worried that your going off him a bit?
I mean its understandable what happend as that sometimes happens and it prob did not help that you rubbed one out the day be for but for him that might mean in he's head that your not as interested in him as you once was even tho for you you might be moor in love with him then ever.
IDK but maybe its moor about that.

Even though I don't watch that much porn myself. Just now and again it would not bother me if a BF I might have watched porn just as long as he would rather be with me then watch it I would be cool with that.

[colinmackay]

I think you have received some excellent advice so far. I don't think there is anything wrong with watching porn and masturbating to it while you are away from your boyfriend. It seems to me to be perfectly normal.

In fact, My boyfriend (Cryptique) and I have even watched porn together. (He wanted to introduce me to a Japanese style I'd never seen before). He also tells me that he'd explode if he didn't while we are away from each other, which is fair enough, I think.

Your boyfriend is probably just a little overly sensitive. He possibly has difficulty telling the difference between fantasy and reality.

[Cryptique]

(He wanted to introduce me to a Japanese style I'd never seen before). He also tells me that he'd explode if he didn't while we are away from each other, which is fair enough, I think.

Yeah, I'm the guilty party that introduced Colin to Bara/Yaoi... he seemed to enjoy it as much as I do [correction: "Not seemed to, I did" - Colinmackay].

Not that I'm a sex maniac or anything like that ... but he does have this very strange ability to make me unbelieveably horny whenever I think about him :redface:

[marshlander]

What a nice bunch of people you all are, so kind and understanding. I really like this online community ...



But ... I'm sorry, SrChulo, I think your boyfriend is being childish, selfish, manipulative and utterly unrealistic. Just my uninformed opinion, though

@PA, of course I'm not disturbed by what you wrote. We have discussed this many times and we are both in complete agreement. I have no reason to get upset about what you watch, or how you relax, when we are hundreds of miles from each other. I know how you feel about me, I am sure you know how I feel about you and I most definitely do not go without when we are together ...


Back to SrC ... there are all sorts of good reasons for masturbating solo and few, if any, bad things. If you found you couldn't come with your boyfriend the day after a solo gig, that would be one of them, but I suspect something else might have caused that ... as you point out, you're 22, and presumably pretty much firing on all cylinders anyway!!! If he thinks masturbating is as bad as cheating, he's wrong. What you do by yourself in the privacy of your own room does not place him or your relationship at risk at all, unless he chooses to make it an issue or you let it become more important than him. If he thinks he has some sort of right to dictate how you use your body he is being unreasonably controlling. His hypothetical questions are just ridiculous and more born out of his hangups than out of any concern for you or, I suspect, the health of the relationship.