Sounds like you are doing all you can right now. Knowing the details will not change anything at this stage, but I can understand you wanting to know - maybe he will reveal more later.
hugs to you both
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juk Wrote:Sounds like you are doing all you can right now. Knowing the details will not change anything at this stage, but I can understand you wanting to know - maybe he will reveal more later.
hugs to you both
Thanks, much appreciated.
In other news... we're going camping this weekend, and because of my 'needs' and his sex drive issues, he gave me the green light to have a good time - meaning, if I see someone I like, go for it, just play safe... I guess you can say I'm open-minded enough, but skeptical about that. I'm not a fan of the cruising / FWB / casual sex thing.
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Are you two living together? My feeling is that it would be bad for you to be living together at this point. I agree with the person(s) who said that your boyfriend needs help from a professional. Perhaps he should start with his doctor. He has a very serious problem and I cannot see you two sorting this out without some form of professional help. You seem to have taken on a feeling of guilt over all this and there seems to be no reason at all for you to feel guilty about anything. A life without sex is not going to help you to help him and it might even add to his problems, if he thinks he is depriving you of a normal sex life. You do not have a sexual relationship with him and he appears to have no problem with you having a sexual relationship with someone else. This need not involve cruising or casual sex. (What is FWB?)
I am sorry that my thoughts are a bit incoherent but we do not have a clear picture of what is going on here. We do not even know which continent you live in and whether in your culture an open relationship would be taboo.
Above all try not to feel guilty about putting your own needs first. At the end of the day we all have to do this, if we are going to build a serious relationship with someone.
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peterinmalaga Wrote:Are you two living together? My feeling is that it would be bad for you to be living together at this point. I agree with the person(s) who said that your boyfriend needs help from a professional. Perhaps he should start with his doctor. He has a very serious problem and I cannot see you two sorting this out without some form of professional help. You seem to have taken on a feeling of guilt over all this and there seems to be no reason at all for you to feel guilty about anything. A life without sex is not going to help you to help him and it might even add to his problems, if he thinks he is depriving you of a normal sex life. You do not have a sexual relationship with him and he appears to have no problem with you having a sexual relationship with someone else. This need not involve cruising or casual sex. (What is FWB?)
I am sorry that my thoughts are a bit incoherent but we do not have a clear picture of what is going on here. We do not even know which continent you live in and whether in your culture an open relationship would be taboo.
Above all try not to feel guilty about putting your own needs first. At the end of the day we all have to do this, if we are going to build a serious relationship with someone.
I'm in the United States. Open relationships happen all over. I'm not opposed to the concept, but I have not seen them last either.
In a way, I am depriving myself. I have a feeling that I would feel very guilty, even though I have his consent. I did tell him this, and he said I didn't have to do anything I don't want to (and believe me, I would prefer not to). But you are right, I do have to put my own needs first. I guess you can say I'm in a very awkward situation.
I'm always one to work through things. And I don't give up on the people I truly care about. I just feel like that if I do anything in that way, it will contribute to the past, where he had an ex cheat on him throughout their relationship, and an ex before that. I would much rather show him that I am truly there for him, and that I will wait for him.
I guess I can say that I am getting rather conflicted with this
I do live with him now. Thankfully we both work our regular jobs, so we are not around each other day in and day out. Just at meal times, and when we go to bed. I"m just not entirely sure what to classify this relationship as at the moment.
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i wish you the best of luck in supporting him and I recognise that you must really love him to take on this challenge , but consider yourself too . If he brings you down then you will be no help to him whatsoever , recognise your own limitations and get him to accept some proffessional help , either through his doctor or a mental health worker. Take a break in terms of time out for you , do something for yourself. We can't keep giving without recieving something back and go on forever, you are only human after all .
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Well, we did talk tonight. We agreed to step back a bit while my partner takes his time to figure things out. We agreed to open things up, but still be there for each other. Basically, to determine where we truly stand with each other.
So thanks for all the tips guys. But I'm hoping this may open new avenues with what is going on, and hoping that this will help ease his own tension.
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I wonder if it might be worth considering a different angle here. I may be totally wrong with this (and hope I am), but there are certain patterns in your boyfriend's behaviour that concern me.
You say that he has suffered a great deal (but in ways you weren't initially clear on) at the hands of people he knew in the past. Do you know this for a fact (objectively), or is it what he or someone else has told you?
One thing that particularly concerns me is the fact that you "helped him out so much financially" before moving in with him. Was this before you met him in person? And how long had you known him when you gave him money? Has he given it back?
Then there is the sex issue. Now, I'll admit - I have no medical training, and I have never had trouble with my back. I can certainly see how back pain might make sex a struggle (though surely there must be some kinds of sex that wouldn't cause pain?), but when there's a will, there's a way, as they say. Apparently his back isn't so bad that it's preventing him from working. But, even if we assume his libido genuinely has disappeared - you say that when you moved in, you were physically intimate together (albeit mainly without sex, as I understand it) for about the first six weeks or so. At the beginning you couldn't stop kissing each other, and then after six weeks he suddenly went cold on you - not because of his back pain, but because he felt you were stifling him, if I understand correctly. I just find this a little odd. It's one thing not wanting sex, but I can't understand someone going from wanting to kiss and hold you to wanting nothing more than a brief kiss when you say hello or goodbye. All of a sudden, you end up being made to feel like the bad guy for daring to be affectionate towards him, whereas at first he had no problem with it at all. You could put this down to the abusive previous relationship, of course... but are you sure it happened?
Then there is the guilt-tripping. He seems to be trying to make you feel bad for wanting sex with him - because of your "needs". He almost makes it sound like some evil desire you have! And now it's gotten to the point where you feel you can't even raise the subject. It's perfectly natural - and a good thing! - to want to express your love for someone physically. Now he has given you "permission" to sleep with someone else, but very probably in the knowledge that you won't go through with it. You told us yourself that you "just can't do it". So, by making this "offer", he gets to appear magnanimous, and you end up frustrated knowing that you don't want sex with someone else, you only want it with him.
You also say that you have "no friends where I am now". This puts you in a weak position, because it makes you more dependent on him and all the more keen for the relationship to work, and it also gives him more leverage. If I were you, I would work on becoming less isolated, if that's possible. I take it he invited you to move in with him, it wasn't your suggestion?
I realise you may not want to believe that this guy might be manipulating you, but because of a combination of things - the efforts to earn your sympathy, the fact that you've been giving him a lot of money, the guilt-tripping and the coldness he shows you contrasting with his earlier behaviour and the messages to your mutual friend that he loves you and doesn't want you to leave - I think you should at least consider the possibility. If I'm right, I predict that things will never get much better. He will give you just barely enough encouragement and hope to keep you hanging on, but never the love that you want or deserve. His "weapons" are your sympathy and guilt (you say you've taken an emotional beating because of this, and I can certainly see why), and I'm afraid I have to question whether the stories about what his ex did and even the back surgery are 100% true. One minute he tells you that you're stifling him, the next he's telling your mutual friend that he loves you and doesn't want you to leave, then he acts around you as if he doesn't love you at all... too many contradictions here for my liking.
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it sounds to me as though he has underlying mental health issues, maybe he needs to get those seen to first. Like I said before people like him can be very hard work, think of yourself buddy and if you really have what it takes to change the unchangeable. Staying with him because you are worried about him or because you think he needs you are not good enough reasons. What about what YOU want and need . It seems that everything is revolving around him and some people thrive on that , going from one drama to the next. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat , life is too short and you only have one life.
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narat Wrote:I wonder if it might be worth considering a different angle here. I may be totally wrong with this (and hope I am), but there are certain patterns in your boyfriend's behaviour that concern me.
You say that he has suffered a great deal (but in ways you weren't initially clear on) at the hands of people he knew in the past. Do you know this for a fact (objectively), or is it what he or someone else has told you?
One thing that particularly concerns me is the fact that you "helped him out so much financially" before moving in with him. Was this before you met him in person? And how long had you known him when you gave him money? Has he given it back?
Then there is the sex issue. Now, I'll admit - I have no medical training, and I have never had trouble with my back. I can certainly see how back pain might make sex a struggle (though surely there must be some kinds of sex that wouldn't cause pain?), but when there's a will, there's a way, as they say. Apparently his back isn't so bad that it's preventing him from working. But, even if we assume his libido genuinely has disappeared - you say that when you moved in, you were physically intimate together (albeit mainly without sex, as I understand it) for about the first six weeks or so. At the beginning you couldn't stop kissing each other, and then after six weeks he suddenly went cold on you - not because of his back pain, but because he felt you were stifling him, if I understand correctly. I just find this a little odd. It's one thing not wanting sex, but I can't understand someone going from wanting to kiss and hold you to wanting nothing more than a brief kiss when you say hello or goodbye. All of a sudden, you end up being made to feel like the bad guy for daring to be affectionate towards him, whereas at first he had no problem with it at all. You could put this down to the abusive previous relationship, of course... but are you sure it happened?
Then there is the guilt-tripping. He seems to be trying to make you feel bad for wanting sex with him - because of your "needs". He almost makes it sound like some evil desire you have! And now it's gotten to the point where you feel you can't even raise the subject. It's perfectly natural - and a good thing! - to want to express your love for someone physically. Now he has given you "permission" to sleep with someone else, but very probably in the knowledge that you won't go through with it. You told us yourself that you "just can't do it". So, by making this "offer", he gets to appear magnanimous, and you end up frustrated knowing that you don't want sex with someone else, you only want it with him.
You also say that you have "no friends where I am now". This puts you in a weak position, because it makes you more dependent on him and all the more keen for the relationship to work, and it also gives him more leverage. If I were you, I would work on becoming less isolated, if that's possible. I take it he invited you to move in with him, it wasn't your suggestion?
I realise you may not want to believe that this guy might be manipulating you, but because of a combination of things - the efforts to earn your sympathy, the fact that you've been giving him a lot of money, the guilt-tripping and the coldness he shows you contrasting with his earlier behaviour and the messages to your mutual friend that he loves you and doesn't want you to leave - I think you should at least consider the possibility. If I'm right, I predict that things will never get much better. He will give you just barely enough encouragement and hope to keep you hanging on, but never the love that you want or deserve. His "weapons" are your sympathy and guilt (you say you've taken an emotional beating because of this, and I can certainly see why), and I'm afraid I have to question whether the stories about what his ex did and even the back surgery are 100% true. One minute he tells you that you're stifling him, the next he's telling your mutual friend that he loves you and doesn't want you to leave, then he acts around you as if he doesn't love you at all... too many contradictions here for my liking.
You have to consider the fact that I have known him a full year before moving in with him. I heard a lot of evidence, and have seen so much just by talking with him, that he was in a very bad / abusive relationship. And yes, the back surgery is very true, considering that I talked to him while he was in the hospital, and have seen the scar myself. As for the financials, we combined our bills together, and pay what we can between our two checks. He even paid for a hotel room for me on my way to move in, among other things.
I think Gareth is more on the right track here, as I know he has had a lot, and Gareth and I have chatted in the background. I am still trying to find a way of discussing things with him, to try and suggest he see someone.
As for the 'playing around' aspect, that is like I said - can't really do it.
And... during our talk, he told me flat out (and with a lot of emotion) that I am great guy, and he loves me to death. There are just some things he really has to work on with himself right now. He does not want me going anywhere, and would be devastated if anything were to happen to me. He then discussed the lack of intimacy (cuddling, kissing, etc.), and that is a part of what he is battling. I have nothing more I want to do than to support him with this, and see what happens. Yes, it frustrates me, and he knows all about what is going on inside of me. He started crying because he felt bad.
But things stand where they are. I just can't find myself leaving him at any time. So no, I'm not considering an angle where I distance myself further than where I am at right now.
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Gareth125 Wrote:it sounds to me as though he has underlying mental health issues, maybe he needs to get those seen to first. Like I said before people like him can be very hard work, think of yourself buddy and if you really have what it takes to change the unchangeable. Staying with him because you are worried about him or because you think he needs you are not good enough reasons. What about what YOU want and need . It seems that everything is revolving around him and some people thrive on that , going from one drama to the next. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat , life is too short and you only have one life.
I understand, and we talked about this. I would like to somehow suggest he see someone. But I just need to find a way of letting him know that I care, that I support him, and that I feel that something of this nature will help us.
He is really a great guy, and I told him that. Yes, I have done quite a bit for him, but he went out of his way to make me feel at home here right away. I know there is something underlying with him, I see it, but he has these defenses up that are so strong.
You're right, life is too short, and I believe that.
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