I Dont Know Were We Stand

[TheDeac]

Hey Guys,

My 1st post and it may end up being a long one but im desperate for help and dont know were to turn. My best friend and I are in kind of a odd situation, all will be explained but i feel it is important to have all the background details as well.

I met my best friend in 07, i was incredibly cautious do to some other friends running out on me, and hurting me in other ways so our friendship moved slowly. Soon though me made it and became my best friend a few years i had to move in with him bc of some family problems and lived with him for 18 months. This is were it gets interesting me and him both have never considered dating another male never been attracted to another male but me and him were always, different is the best word than most straight male best friends. For instance if he needed a back massage i'd do that for him, i'd fix his food, i'd take care of him if he was sick, he even go to were he wanted his butt massaged and i'd do that easily on the skin without feeling weird, also when watching movies we'd use eachother as pillows and on long car rides do the same (cuddling pretty much lol) and we never had a problem with it and never thought anything of it. However some times when rubbing his back/butt or when cuddling or even wrestling he would get a erection we went a while without saying anything then i asked about it he said he didnt know and it was likely bc he was a virgin well it kept happening and (both of us are 21 and virgins go ahead make ur jokes...) finally i asked him, when we were home alone for a week, if he had feelings for me or ever had sexual thoughts about me he responded with yes...but he had always stopped them and that he would make it go away. so we went on for a while like that well he then gets a girlfriend and it takes a big tole on me bc i liked this girl alot and come to find out like him even more so it was a double wammy he was there to console me and was with me more then her well he's erections at this time (not long ago) had gotten more common and i asked about it again and he finally admitted that part of him wanted to be with me and i told him i felt the same way (at this point they had broken up not his choice) he said there was a chance we may end up together and i was ecstatic we got closer got more physical even kissed once it was great...then his mom walked in on us cuddling watching tv and was pissed....shortly after he said that he couldnt be with me and that HE didnt want to and he was going to control this and make it go away....this has bothered me since its been 3 months and we still cuddle we are still super close...and he says theres no way we can be together bc he doesnt want that part of him to be here.....i feel completely rejected and it hurts horribly knowing that some one wants to be with me but bc of were we live (west texas) he's not even giving us a chance...i still think we may end up together but only bc when he's asleep he talks in his sleep and (we share a bed when he comes over to my house) he was cuddled up next to me and said "i want you only" (he said my name too) i jsut dont know what to make out of it....any help or advise or view would be helpful thanks

[West_coast_Steven]

Hey I hope all is well and please keep in mind this is only advice from my prospective.

First and foremost thanks for sharing your story with us. I have to say I find it a little funny because you guys cuddle, you give him massages, and even share a bed. It seems like you guys have grown to know each other very well. The part that struck me was when you stated that his mom walked in on you guys cuddling. After all this time you guys have spent together you would think otherwise. The fact that you guys have feelings and emotions for Each other doesn't surprise me, that tends to happen when two people no matter what the sex spend a lot of time together. You may have more feelings for him then he might have for you.

So all was going well until his mother walked in on you. I have a feeling that his mother is playing a vital role in this whole ordeal. She is probably telling him the things you don't want to hear. She has probably seen the pattern and relationship that has built up over the months days weeks years etc. If you can get him to say if his mother is holding him back then that is a good thing. He can see that you want to be with him and you want to be with him. If it were me I would see if his mother has said anything to him in a negative way (gays go to he'll, they get beat etc) if so I would tell him that this is our lives that only we can control, and if we let someone else (mother fathers etc) get in the way we will never make it on our own but let him know your truest feelings for him and tell him that you want to be with him. If you have to take charge lead the way, and take him to a private setting where it is just you two only. But keep in mind, if he tells you he doesn't want to be with you don't feel hurt by it he's probably thinking about the friendship.

As for living in west Texas that has nothing to do about it society is changing and they are becoming more accepting of homosexuals, bi sexuals, transexuals, and lesbians. If you guys both feel that your are straight then tell him that you are only expermenting. I hope this helps you in your endeavor. Good luck and best wishes Steve from California b

[peterinmalaga]

I find your story really sad. It's the stuff that tragedies are made of. But it doesn't need to be that way – it never does in tragedies either. You two clearly love one another and your behaviour is sometimes sexual. You and especially he have both internalized a shitload of self hatred and bad feelings about sexuality. You are still being exposed to it, especially in the person of his mother but probably from other sources too.
I somehow doubt if either of you would be ready to move into a more gay-friendly place but I do believe that it would do you a hell of a lot of good to move. The reason I feel so sad about you two, is that I feel that you haven't got what it takes to sort this out.
If you can't or wont move away, I would suggest that you do the next best thing. Try moving your minds into a place which lets you be happy together. Watch films with a gay theme, read books of the same sort. Try to develop an interest in anything that will broaden your mindset. You may have noticed that I have so far only used the word “gay” once. I think you should avoid it too until he is comfortable with it. The world has moved on, as West Coast Steven says, but not all of the world has moved on. I bet that not even all of the West Coast has moved on. You two are left in a cultural backwater which will never allow you to live a happy and fulfilling life. Even if there is only one house in your street in this cultural backwater, it's his house and he lives there. It's his world. Change it. You can and you must or you might regret it for the rest of your lives.
Having said that, you must tread carefully and not cause too much resistance on his part. Your fight is not with him, it is within him and that is more difficult for you. Just keep on doing all the things he already likes and accepts and slowly, slowly push the boundaries back. It wont all go your way but if you box clever, you can win in the end.

[fredv3b]

You may have noticed that I have so far only used the word “gay” once.

Actually you had used twice However, other than that nitpick I entirely agree with Peter, its very good advice.

[TheDeac]

Thanks Guys and We have talked about it and he knows were i stand he has even admitted that once he moves out he'll most likely become more comfortable with the fact that he wants to be with me, he himself not me labeled us as bi-curious which was a HUGE step for him, and...we had pushed the boundaries actually quite far...he let me play with his penis, a very hard one i might ad xD, and he enjoyed it we both decided to stop bc i honestly dont want a relationship built on sex, not that i dont want to have sex but i want more out of it, we even talked about if it was his family that made him decide not to give us a try and he said partly and part of it was that he didnt deserve me and the rest that he just didnt want to be "that" so yea im stuck lol

[timtravolta]

i find that you really are confused, not only you but also your friend. what i think you should do, instead of over analyzing it is to just enjoy the company of your best friend. you are still together, you still cuddle each other, so instead of worrying about it and giving it a name why not just have fun and see where it goes along? just enjoy him and you know what? maybe one time you should test him and see how he reacts to you sexually. i bet he would love it. thing like this have a way of happening so just have fun with him!

[TheDeac]

I think thats the best advice ive heard, we love being with each other and i think your right maybe it will develop into something great i mean it has developed already right

[princealbertofb]

TheDeac, when I read your posts, why do I keep thinking of Brokeback Mountain? The two men in that story clearly have love for each other and yet they live their lives almost in misery from missing each other. Both try to go the straight way but not so successfully, as society and their upbringing has dictated (nurture). And in the context of the 1960s it can't have been easy. But in 2010, half a century later, why put yourselves through this misery? I didn't see this story as a story of gay men, but as the story of two men who had fallen in love with each other, something a bit like you... It was more a question of having found a soul mate, but because of the soul mate being also the same sex, in that society it wasn't something that was possible, so they made do with second hand replacements (wives). I'd suggest, if you don't know the movie, that you buy it or rent it out, or even (better still) read the fabulous very short story by Annie Proulx. What you have with your friend sounds much more tender but somewhat akin to that story. Don't let it end like Annie Proulx's fiction, though. Very sorry about misnaming the short story.

[TheDeac]

I feel that way too and I do want to be with him and the worst part is I'm willing to wait for him to be comfortable about what we have

[libertylove4]

[COLOR="Navy"]I have always thought that the bi guys have it the hardest of us all. It's one thing being on one side of the fence or the other, but straddling it and being labeled a bi now, gay later by your own community. I recently read an article about bi guys being the last ones left in the closet and it being harder for them to come out because they have a harder time discovering who they are since this world is very their or that, not both.

I wish you and your friend the best and just take things slow. Thing with develop if your are open to them. *hugs*[/COLOR]