Before or After?

[PrinceMuzic]

I'll probably do it after I've been in a successful relationship for a while. I just think I'd be more confident if I had someone else there too.



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[fredv3b]

I felt it would be dishonest of me to persue a relationship while still in the closet.

It's also, practically, more difficult to pursue a relationship from within the closet.

Being in the closet is not an all or nothing status. You may be out, for example, to friends but not workmates or family. I don't think you need to be out to everyone before pursuing a relationship.

[peterinmalaga]

[quote=colinmackay]For me, I came out first. I felt it would be dishonest of me to persue a relationship while still in the closet.
I don't see why a guy who has not had sex with another man needs to come out of the closet. I also think that it's pretty easy for some people to come out and for other people it could be very dangerous. So I would be a bit cautious about generalizing. Today many people look upon coming out as a right of passage. But that view is the luxury of a person who has a very privileged situation. If I lived in a more homophobic society or situation, I would never come out. I can't see why it would be dishonest to pursue a relationship while still in the closet. I started coming out after I met my first boyfriend. I still don't tell people that I am gay but I never deny it - I have never needed to deny it. To this day not one heterosexual has come out to me and confessed s/he is heterosexual.

[colinmackay]

Being in the closet is not an all or nothing status. You may be out, for example, to friends but not workmates or family. I don't think you need to be out to everyone before pursuing a relationship.

I agree that being out is not an all or nothing thing. However, for me, the stress of not being open in certain situations would have got to me sooner rather than later. I cannot lie easily and even maintaining gender neutral references wouldn't have been possible because others would have put a gender specific reference that I would not have been able to allow to pass simply because, for me, I cannot let an incorrect assumption, once I'm aware of it, to continue.

I only maintained the duplicity* state for about 15 days as I went around an individually told those closest to me. The people I wanted to make sure that they heard it from me and no one else. After I'd gone through that list I was pretty much open with everyone and if the conversation warrented a correction I'd issue it.

These days everyone knows. And for me, that makes life much easier.

* Note: I realise how the wording might sound to some people and it may be somewhat provocative, but it is how I see myself. I am, as I may have mentioned, quite a binary person. For the things I can control, I like to have a definite state of being. I cannot be one thing to one person and a different thing to another. I have to be the same person to everyone.

[colinmackay]

I can't see why it would be dishonest to pursue a relationship while still in the closet.

See also my reply to Fredv3b.

For me, I simply couldn't do that.

One of the people I met between coming out of the closet and meeting my boyfriend, Cryptique, was a guy who practically freaked out when he discovered I worked with a friend of his that he wasn't out to (part of his "football" friends). Let's say that the date didn't do to well after that. Every 5 minutes the conversation would return to how well I got on with his friend at work. He was obviously scared that I'd out him.*

That just confirmed to me that I was right to have come out first so that I didn't live in that kind of fear. I know who my real friends are. (None of them were bothered that I was gay. And it helped another overcome his fear of coming out. The reaction he got was slightly different because he had persued a relationship from within the closet, so people were slightly upset that they didn't know previously. They felt let down that they he hadn't trusted them before. Ultimately, it was still full acceptance tho'.)

* I would never out anyone. At all. Ever.

[fredv3b]

I am, as I may have mentioned, quite a binary person.

Lucky you are in IT then ;o)

[Vikta]

I admire your courage Colin. I went thru a phase where I was slightly envious of friends who saw things as black and white. So at one point I tried to live a 'binary' life.. but soon realized I live in a world with more than zeroes and ones.

Anyhow, I continue to let others assume what they want. In many cases I don't really know why I don't set the record straight... perhaps i'd just rather not be defined, or needlessly give the opportunity of being defined by my sexuality. if I were asked if i'm gay I wouldn't have any problem being honest about it. I may not be 'out', but i don't think i'm in the 'closet' either... perhaps i'm in the living room

[eastofeden]

There are some interesting points in this thread....now I am not sure I ever really came out of the closet...nor am I sure I was ever in one. I told my family I was gay at 14 years old...five minutes after it first occured to me...and now that I think about it I have never really cared if anyone else knew I was gay or not...nor do I remember approaching anyone specifically to tell them...much like what Peter said...I have yet to have a straight person announce they were straight and I feel the same way about announcing I am gay...I have zero problem with it but I rarely see the point unless it comes up naturally.

As most of my gay friends (well...almost all of them really) have died...I now hang around three guys who are extremely heterosexual LOL...and when they each confronted my being gay on their own (I never brought it up initially but they know myself and my lover as a couple and are all EXTREMELY supportive)...and let me know they didn't have a problem with it...I replied that was good because I didn't have a problem with them being straight eithe:biggrin:r....they "got it" immediately and laughed...love that quality..

...and on the occasion when each one of them checks out women which is alot...they can't help themselves...I will comment on a guy's nice ass...at first they were shocked but they got used to it and now they try to find guys for me to look at...it cracks me up because I am very specific about the guys I like physically and they are always wrong but they mean well.