Mom still doesn't believe I'm gay...

[Ultra]

I don't know why... I came out in October 2008. She totally didn't believe me. Then I went to my counselor the next day and I thought she would have good advice. She was with me on it and believed me. But no, my mom and counselor had a talk over the phone. The counselor thought that I was going through a phase, just because another one of her clients did. She said she had a client who thought he was gay and then reassured himself that he wasn't. He said he was going through some kind of stage.

How do I go about this? My mom... I have a feeling she is a bit homophobic. I know for a fact my dad is, but he once said he'd still love me if I was gay. I don't know what to do at all. October 2009, I thought my mom got the picture that I was gay. However, she really wasn't and she was only saying that to make me feel better. October 2009 was a crucial time in my life, because this was the time my partner and I weren't doing so well... he was unfortunately shifting away from. We eventually lost in touch June 2010.

Does anyone have any idea what I should do? My mom believes I'm straight, because she once found straight porn a few years on my computer. You know what? I had it and then I deleted it. I'll admit that I was into it... but I don't think it was really genuine. I don't know how to get over this hurdle telling her that I was never straight from the get go.

Here's another thing she thinks... she thinks that I only reached out to my ex-partner and I was lonely... so I got into a relationship with him. No way! I was truly in love with him and that's that. He was truly in love with me as well. I was not reaching out to him. Yeah I will say that it happened during a tough period in my life... but I'll talk about that in a future thread.

I seriously do not know what to do. Whenever I do mention that I'm gay, my mom gets really angry. I'm thinking of turning to my gay neighbor... but I dunno, the dude is 50 something and he has his own partner. My gut feeling is that I should have came out to him first back in October '08 (or later). Please give me advice. Thank you!

[Genersis]

It seems your mom's in denial, something only she can save herself from.

The only thing that can help her come to terms is see a counsellor of some kind. But that seems unlikely. So your only option is to hope she comes to her senses soon.

Wish I had better advice.:redface:
Maybe someone else here has something to say thats a tad more helpfull?
Best of luck!

[fenris]

Why you don´t show her your posting here.... it is written really comprehensive and there is no need to explain more.
And a shock she will not get .. only an Idea how it looks inside you.

[Vikta]

first i'd suggest finding a new counselor if you can...

but i can relate somewhat on the Mom issue... I came out to my Mom nearly a year ago, she didn't believe me. Or perhaps she did, but she didn't want to. She tried to convince me (probably more so herself) that i was going thru a phase. It was extremely frustrating and hurtful at first. After talking about it for several hours, i realized she didn't really know what being gay meant. She was actually concerned that i'd start dressing up as a girl :eek: Although she's more than welcome to talk to me about it, I've chosen to avoid bringing it up myself... for both of our sakes. And although I still think she has yet to come to terms with it, we're closer because of it.

As morbid as it may sound, I read somewhere that when many parents find out their child is gay, it's as if a death occurred and they need time to mourn the loss of the vision/expectations they had of their kid. I have a strong Mom and i think she's shed more tears over this than during any funerals we've attended.

So anyhow, what difference does it make if your Mom believes you're gay or not? Just be confident in who you are and let others believe what they want...

[colinmackay]

I have a friend who, over the course of several years, had to come out to his mum several times. She is obviously in denial and it sounds like it will take time for her to adjust.

Your gay neighbour may be able to advise you, or at least be a sympathetic ear. I'm not sure why his age or him having a partner are important tho'.

I think you just have to wait it out and hope she takes the information on board sooner rather than later.


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[peterinmalaga]

If you live with your Mum, why don't you take a boyfriend home to stay the night in your room in your bed. Let her hear that you are gay for herself! If you don't live with Mum any more, invite her to stay the night at your place and make sure you have a bf sleeping with you that night.
You are 26. You have the right to a sex life with whoever you want. And you live in New York not some little village in the back of beyond.
You don't have to ask anyone's permission to be gay or to have sex with men at your age. It is your right. You need to assert yourself with Mum (and Dad) not in an aggressive way but in a nice but very positive and determined way.

[Ultra]

I appreciate all of the advice given to me so far. Yeah, I still live with my parents as of now. That was one of my plans, take a boyfriend home and get in bed. I'd love to do that. However, it's gonna be a long time until I get another boyfriend. It's gonna take me at least a couple of years.... for me it takes me a while to fall in love with someone. I must be in love in order to have sex with a guy, that's how I am.

[fenris]

I appreciate all of the advice given to me so far. Yeah, I still live with my parents as of now. That was one of my plans, take a boyfriend home and get in bed. I'd love to do that. However, it's gonna be a long time until I get another boyfriend. It's gonna take me at least a couple of years.... for me it takes me a while to fall in love with someone. I must be in love in order to have sex with a guy, that's how I am.

Sorry ... for my opinion this is the worst thing you can do. If your mother ignores that you are gay... and you act in this way, you all really get in trouble. That is not a solution and will only make it worse
And the eventually boyfriend should be really good informed what you want to do. If someone were to abuse me to such an action without informing me beforehand, he should run very well and quickly :biggrin:

[Ultra]

Yeah, that's an excellent point, fenris. I won't do that now. I'll make sure I won't do that.

[fenris]

Yes, I think the best way to show her, whats going on is a peacefully way - without a shock

I think your mother does not or can not imagine that you're gay. And it is a thing between you and your mother... no other persons should be involved - maybe really good friends, to explain what you feel and what you think.
But if she imagine that she hurts you by ignoring the facts.. I think she begins thinking - normally a mother don´t want to hurt her Child.
Let be her a short time a part of your life ... let her read your posting ... our answers, show her, what we are doing here, the problems... the fun.... that shows her what´s going on. Maybe it´s a kind of fear, that she ignore the facts.
And show her that you are a part of this kind of life... maybe it works.

But you can not expect to be respected from your mother if you do not respect her