Affection in an Open Relationship

[pathos]

I met someone 10 months ago. We fell madly in love. He wants an open relationship. I guess I understand that most gay men want an open relationship - its either acknowledged or it happens. I'm ok with the one night stands but my lover has 2 guys he's known for a long time and wants to continue seeing. They live abroad and visit about once a year. One guy is here now. The 3 way sex is OK. But the difficulty I am having at the moment was the 3 of us napping and waking up to find him holding the other guy in a manner that I so love to be held. He tells me he loves me 5 times a day (more on week-ends) and says I can look at the email exchange with the others and I'll see he's never told them he loves them. Yet seeing him snuggled with the other guy is a visual I'm having trouble erasing from my mind. My friends are supportive yet neither of them would accept an open relationship or the occasional "menage a trois". And you say....

[Genersis]

Hey pathos.
Welcome!:biggrin:

Now, Acording to GS users, most GBLT people want a committed relationship, just tidying up that little miss-conception.mile:

Now i must say. I don't have much advice on the matter. All i can say is, i would a little upset too.
And that i wish the advice from other members will be of better use to you.

Best of luck!mile:

[Ultra]

Hey hey! I wouldn't go for an open relationship, however I have nothing against open relationships at all. You should have a long talk with him about this. I think that's pretty much it.

[marshlander]

An open relationship sounds good in theory, but when feelings start to come into the equation it can start to get a little unravelled. Your second sentence may need revisiting. It sounds like you fell madly in love. He wants an open relationship.

Lots of talking needed, I think, so you can both make some sense of what you are going through.

Best wishes.

[Sil]

I am in an open relationship right now so I kinda know how this feels.

Just to explain - my boyfriend of 3 years lives with another guy platonically, and while they go out they do not share a bed or seemingly share any physical closeness. I've asked him many times what the point of it all was, and he needs someone to share rent who he won't want to murder after a few weeks.

But yeah when we started going out I wondered if he was messing me around. You seem to have to take all of these headfucks as par for the course in open relationships, I think it takes a special kind of person or a lot of conditioning to be TRULY open and accepting. You also have to gauge with your heart as well and be smart, I'm not experienced but I'm starting to think it's more of a game for those who've been around a bit and have a thicker skin.

TLDR? Jealousy is only natural in these things, to deny it would be foolish. You can get over it though if you're both honest with each other and know your feelings you seem like you're going about things the right way.

[fenris]

I am in an open relationship right now so I kinda know how this feels.

Just to explain - my boyfriend of 3 years lives with another guy platonically, and while they go out they do not share a bed or seemingly share any physical closeness. I've asked him many times what the point of it all was, and he needs someone to share rent who he won't want to murder after a few weeks.

But yeah when we started going out I wondered if he was messing me around. You seem to have to take all of these headfucks as par for the course in open relationships, I think it takes a special kind of person or a lot of conditioning to be TRULY open and accepting. You also have to gauge with your heart as well and be smart, I'm not experienced but I'm starting to think it's more of a game for those who've been around a bit and have a thicker skin.

TLDR? Jealousy is only natural in these things, to deny it would be foolish. You can get over it though if you're both honest with each other and know your feelings you seem like you're going about things the right way.

Would not work with me ... not because I get jealous or something .. I would lost any Respect for him... I have very high claims to a partnership AND Friendships .... if sometimes somethings happen with another guy, i could live with. But ever ? Never ! Its not a must to be my partner ... but if someone is my partner ... he is MY partner, not from someone else.
In this things I´m a really Alphamale... I don´t know a problem I can´t live with.. I´m always there for my partner and my friends... everytime and in every situation. But I have some rules ... and who can´t live with them is not right to be my friend/ partner. I know it sounds very strange ...
The rules are strange, too. So I never, really never, invites a friend... they can come and go if they want to. They have to use my home as there home... I never make the host for my friends...

[pathos]

Thanks for the responses. I guess things are just not as simple as we'd like them to be. Never as black and white - I'm finding I must deal with grey more competently. I'm also finding that I'm good at winning battles but ultimately I loose the war.

I found the following article interesting: UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse

I've also found reference to the book The Selfish Gene by Ricahrd Dawkins.

I'm recognizing that the relationship my lover has with this other guy resembles a 10 year long distance relationship. A friend with benefits or a fuck buddy I'm still unclear. I do however believe that my lover really loves me. Enjoys the relationship with the other guy but sees his life with me otherwise. I had a hard day coping yesterday but last night was great. So I'm thinking it's up to me to deal with my insecurities. People come into our path for a reason they are there to bring us something and in this case I think its a new level of growth.

[fenris]

-/-

I do however believe that my lover really loves me. Enjoys the relationship with the other guy but sees his life with me otherwise. I had a hard day coping yesterday but last night was great. So I'm thinking it's up to me to deal with my insecurities. People come into our path for a reason they are there to bring us something and in this case I think its a new level of growth.

I think that he loves you, too. But I have a question : Whats with you, what do you want ? Is ithis kind of relationship enough for you ?
Please don´t think, that I want to judge your relationship... only want to ask you...

[pathos]

Whats with you, what do you want ? Is ithis kind of relationship enough for you ? - When we met there were fireworks: I'd never experienced fireworks like that. We often think the same thought. In his arms I am in heaven and he says the same. He can tell me 10 times in an evening I love you - I so love you - I must be completely crazy. If it weren't true there'd be no need for such emphasis - and I can hear how he says it. We have similar interests. I like his way of thinking. I like the honesty. And he is sooo cute.

Did I answer the questions. Yes it's complicated. No it's not 100% perfect. Which reminds me of another comment he made - I want to be with you, its a good relationship - and refering to the others he says it's not perfect it has flaws. But they've been in my life for a long time and I dont want to end it. But since you are now in my life noone will enter in that manner.

Dont hesitate to ask more this is exactly what I was looking for.

[fenris]

My first thoughts were "Do the same... search for another guy and show your "open relationship partner" how it feels, but that is complete mess... its spiteful and vindictive. And these Tipp I can´t give... but I write it here, because it shows my own opinion about open relationships. Shame on me ! But this is a warning, too. Do not listen to my advice because it is maybe not objective.
The second Point is... if all of these partners do it this way ... you don´t need a bedroom, you can rent a skating rink.
But ... you wrote it here under "need advice" and that shows me, thats it is not as easy for you as you think.
It seems that the only way you can go is, to give you time .. wait and see what happens with you and your feelings. Honest I think, it is not the way you want and a kind of relationship you don´t need.