Ugh, What should i do ??

[Jayden]

Hello guys

Ive got a bit of a situation going on and would really like some advice on how to deal with it, or what the next step should be.

i met this guy 2 months ago, we instantly clicked, we chatted for a week or so via mail/msn/text/phone an decided to meet up in person, there was this instant connection between us, we just clicked straight away an it was a nice meet, we didnt have sex, we just went for a drink an chatted for hours an then went onto a club.

Now the prob with this guy, he has more baggage then heathrow airport!
he lives with his ex BF who he was with for 14 years they own a house together. they have been split for 7 months and sleeping in diffrent rooms, he also has a child from his teenage years. these i do not find an issue, i like this guy so i can deal with it,

Anyways as time has gone by an we have been meeting up a lot more regular, ive introduced him to family and he gets on really well with them.
but this is where it gets complicated...
We are just friends very close friends to be exact, i told him stuff id never tell anyone an vice versa an we seem to have had a very similar life. so we have a really strong connection.

anyways ... after a few weeks, we started getting feelings for each other, we show genaral effection for each other an share effectionate thoughts etc..etc
But he isnt ready to move on because he is scared of hurting his ex bf (who he still lives with hmmm suspicious much?), which i totally understand if this is the case. 14 years is a long time to have been with someone.

last week he told me, that he is back sleeping in the same bed as his ex, but there is NO sexual contact, as this is why they broke up, they was no intamacy an the relationship seemed to have faded. but he has decided that he would like to try an rekindle the relationship they had. fair enough i said, we wasnt official anyways, so who was i to stop him, ive met his ex a couple of times an he seems a nice guy, good luck to him.

we still talk every day and all day most of the time, but our conversations havnt changed we still feel the same for each other and we still tell each other how we feel and that we should only stay friends but we both know its more.
i get txts saying i miss you, can we meet up, go to cinema/meal/drinks etc.etc. (Note: we havnt had sex at all yet) its a really nice loving friendly relationship we have, but we know there is more to it.
But the thing is, im hopeing it will be more as i havnt never met another guy who i have actually felt this way about before. even my 2 x's didnt make me feel this way. even this guy is hopeing for more. but he is just scared of hurting his X or BF or whatever he is at the mo. an he keeps saying to me in time, or time will tell. but then other times he's like when we get together it has to be for life an 1 on 1, no cheating etc.etc which i totally agree with. thats what i want.!!!
Me and him actually do act like bfs when were together, we snuggle there is the intamacy, kissing, tickling, its very loving. an it does feel like a genuine relationship in a way..

But in spite of all this, i actually am now starting to feel like a secret. because he's still with his x. an there in the same bed, im kinda thinking is this guy just using me because he isnt getting the emotional needs from his bf?

he also wants me to move closer to him so he can see me more, as i live about an hour away just on the outskirts of the city.

i just dont know if i should cut it off completely before it gets even more complicated or incase i am just an affair or emotional substitute.

i know this sounds all messy and might not make much sense, but if u have any questions about anything plz ask.

I really dont know what to do next, as i like this guy a LOT but i dont wanna be just a little secret if thats the case, Advice welcome, please help me out. :confused:

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Maybe when he told you he was gonna try to get back with his ex, he wanted you to stop him, to show him you want you two to be together?

I think you should help him move on and you two should get together. Why should you stay just friends? Why shouldn't you have a nice relationship? Why shouldn't you to be happy because of this other guy's feelings?

[Jayden]

yeah i kinda agree with that., i totally want to be with this guy more then anything at the minute, im trying to help him move on.

But because he owns half the house i actually think he is scared of having to lose everything he has built up. but hey, why cant we rebuild ? i really understand where he is coming from in terms of his situation. but i need to know where exactly i stand. he says just close friends, but yet there is all this talk of time will tell, for life, no cheating an effection. its all a little bit to confusing and i actually feel like his dirty little affair, even tho im not. could this be guilt ?

[juk]

Mmmmm, well to be honest it sounds like the ex is going to always feature in this guys life until he has reached the point where he can move on. He doesnt want to hurt his ex, which is admirable - but to the point of placing limits on his own life and happiness?

Is it that he is scared to move on for some reason, thus using his ex as an excuse, or is it that he is just being ultra empathetic and a super nice guy who always puts others feelings above his own?

What would you advise me to do if I were you?

[fenris]

last week he told me, that he is back sleeping in the same bed as his ex, but there is NO sexual contact, as this is why they broke up, they was no intamacy an the relationship seemed to have faded. but he has decided that he would like to try an rekindle the relationship they had. fair enough i said, we wasnt official anyways, so who was i to stop him, ive met his ex a couple of times an he seems a nice guy, good luck to him.

I think, this is enough to know for you....
If it would be my decision... friendship yes ... feelings and maybe sex .. no and never.
Move near to him : no ( Why you should ? )
In my opinion this is a situation you can only be the loser ... only that he is sleeping in the same bed again. I think its a impudence that he does it... knowing you are maybe interested on him. No sex between them ? Only a question of time ....What will be the next ? asking you to hold a handlamp and the Lube ? Sorry for my undiplomatc statement, but I hate it if some one is playing with another ones feelings ... and its my honest opinion...

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I think in situations like this one the best thing you can do is be honest with the person and tell him how you feel. Talk to him and make him comfortable so he can tell you how he feels too. I mean, yeah, be honest with each other and decide on what you are going to do together.

[Jayden]

No Fenris,
i actually see your point. its kinda confirmed a little thought i had.

[Jayden]

we do SlipknotRIZZ, we are totally honest with how we feel with each other, well on my part anyways,

he just isnt ready or i doubt he ever will be to move on, he has got a lot to lose, a home a nice one at that too. and a 14 yr "relationship" if i personally can call it that, so i understand how he feels it just frustrates me that he wont take the next step because he dont wanna hurt the other guys feelings. its actually getting to the point of completely ignoring him all together, because this is something i dont want in my life, yet i feel so strong about him.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Ah, I see. *sigh* Maybe then you should give him a little more time? Or remain close friends? Maybe you should let him make the choice. *sigh again* I don't think you should give up on him though.

[Jayden]

im not gonna give up on him, i know he is going through hell with this situation aswell. all i can do is be there an see how it pans out, but in the meantime i just dont wanna feel like im been used or emotionally/intimatly played with. so this is my only fear i guess. i dont know the more i think about it today, the more confused i feel.