Feel It's Finally Time To Come Out - Please Help!

[Strachan]

Hi Everyone, I'll try and keep this as brief as I can as nobody likes a thread that drones on forever!
Anyway I'm a 32 y.o. gay guy who has never come out. The biggest reason for this was I fought against my feelings for a long time as I didn't want to be gay, but finally 2 years ago I stop fighting it and accepted it - I am who I am and that's it.

Problem is I still haven't come out to anyone, I've always been too scared to do it. For all I know some of my family and friends may already suspect I'm gay, but I'm not really obvious so I can't say for sure. But I feel now that I just have to do it.

I've not been very well recently mentally, I've suffered greatly with anxiety and have just completed Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which did not show up any major reason for why I've been feeling so anxious, APART from the fact I carry this massive emotional burden around with me everyday of being gay but living a lie.

I believe keeping all this bottled up inside me is the main cause of my anxiety, and it's the final push I needed to finally decide I have to come out. But still the thought of doing it scares me. I WANT to come out and tell everyone I'm gay though.

Please, can anyone on here give me some advice? I don't want to spend anymore of my life living a lie and carrying this around with me everyday. Once it's all out in the open I know It'll be a massive feeling of relief.

Thanks guys

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome :-)

as first .. to be gay is not the worst thing what can happen... no need to be ashamed or whatever. I like being gay .... and you will learn that you can be gay and the same person you ever was....
Coming out .... I can advice you .. don´t rush... don´t tell it everyone you meet on the street. With friends I have the experiences that they tell it maybe a best friend at first and it was good, without problems .... and then they begun to tell it everyone who don´t want to hear it *g....
Try it carefully ... and see how friends .. family react .... then go further. If there are to many people who know it at the same time it can easily happen that it grows over your head... to many questions ... to many people talking around.

Feel free to ask if you have more questions because we / I can not answer all at once..... you´re welcome

[Mercury]

i feel almost exactly the same and also struggle with anxiety and depression but my advise to you is to just take it one step at a time. hit to people that you want to know until you are ready to tell them or until you are sure you can trust them. just go to fast because that can lead to difficult situations and also make sure you can trust the people that you do tell.

[Snow]

im in the same struggle too XD
i have mad anxiety and depression

like they said go slow
i started with the internet first on a forum that im active on
then i got drunk and told some close freinds
i couldnt say it straight up tho

everyone has there own way of telling people just read some stories on how people did it and
see which one would be the easiest to do

[fredv3b]

My advice others may disagree...

You've come out to us so that is a good start. If I were you I would carefully pick a friend to come out to first. You might want to casually bring up gays in conversation with him or her just to 'test the waters' before making a final decision.

Then pick a time and a place to come out to him or her. Chose somewhere relaxed and quiet where you will have plenty of time. You may want to have a rehearsed speech so that words won't fail you.

Once you have carefully planned everything is to 'bite the bullet' and actually do it, easier said than done.

[marshlander]

I was older than you when I came out and can recommend the ideas above. In my case I invited a friend round and took him out for a very long walk. That gave lots of time for me to feel my way into telling him. It was very difficult because I really felt I didn't have the vocabulary to do it. The second person I told already had the benefit of my first rehearsal. Each time in those early days I told one person at a time and it gradually got easier as I felt I had begun to own the words I was using (sorry for the psychobabble, but that's how it felt). So much for good friends. The hard bit came when dealing with family, but that's a different story.

I would not have believed the difference it made to my everyday life to be able to live without hiding had I not experienced it. It really was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders (it actually felt like that and I am sure I started walking taller when not weighed down with such a burden) and I honestly believe it was a major contribution towards beginning to lift myself out of depression. Of course that process didn't happen immediately, but being out was definitely part of the improvement in my health.

Congratulations on coming out to yourself! When you are ready see if there isn't a friend you can trust as you find your own path through this new phase in your life. If your experience turns out anything like it has for most of us here you will wonder why you ever hesitated and life will get much, much better.

Best wishes and good luck.

[juk]

For me, coming out gave me a bit of a high and allowed me to feel that I had an identity, or more to the point an identity I didnt have to keep to myself.

Just keep in mind that after the event there can be a bit of an anticlimax - I experienced this, as did many people I have discussed this with. Thats not to detract from the act of coming out, just want you to be aware of it because it gave me a bit of a whallop at the time!

Good luck!

[jimcrackcorn]

When you come out to your friends, they will be naturally curious and ask many questions. It's a good idea to have some prepared answers to give them.

Some of the questions they may ask are:

1. When did you first realize you were gay?
2. How do you know you are gay?
3. Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me this earlier?
4. Do you have a boy friend?

In some cases after telling a friend you are gay, they may be a little nervous. They may even laugh & make light of it (this is commonly a nervous response). Don't be worried by this reaction, just Smile & laugh right along with them and give your friend a few minutes to let the news sink in a little. Once they get past the initial shock and have gathered their thoughts together, they will open up with all kinds of questions.

Good Luck

[Strachan]

Hey guys,

Thanks very much for your responses and all your suggestions and advice - I'm really glad I joined this site and posted my thread! I agree that the best way to do this is to take it one step at a time, telling a close friend first then moving on. My family are going to be the most difficult people to tell - not all of them but some of them - but I guess that's probably how a lot of you found it?

I'm going to do it. I have a night out with some of my friends from college this saturday night and I'm going to tell them then. I won't be drunk as I don't drink much and only have 3-4 drinks on a night out, as I know telling people when you're completely drunk probably isn't the ideal way to do it! But Saturday night is an ideal opportunity as only my closest college friends will be there, and I'll have the time to tell them and for them to take it in and ask me any of the questions mentioned. I know that if I do this it means that the rest of the students on my college course are gonna find out but I don't care about them knowing or their reaction - they are just acquaintances.

That'll be my first step. As for other friends and my family, well that will be the next step, but I'm assuming that once you start the process of coming out then it sort of moves along itself anyway like any secret that is suddenly out in the open?

I really think once I do this my anxiety issues are gonna settle down a lot. I've never been able to just walk around being the real me - knowing that I can live my life as a gay man as it's no longer a secret. The thought of finally being able to do that is whats gonna spur me on to do this.

And the advice you have all given me here is invaluable, so again thanks very much! I think this is a forum I will stick around in, as you all know what you are talking about and I currently don't have anyone in my social circle that I can have these conversations with.

[marshlander]

Great news, Strachan. Best wishes for Saturday then and let us know how it goes.

...
Some of the questions they may ask are:

1. When did you first realize you were gay?
2. How do you know you are gay?
3. Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me this earlier?
4. Do you have a boy friend? ...

One question that seemed to come up several times concerned who I fancied. Women seemed genuinely curious, but it struck me that the men were fishing