General Questions Regarding to Love Relationship

[Jay]

Okay I honestly have zero experience in love relationship. I'm sorry if these questions sound stupid.

I understand that before you proceed to have a love relationship with someone, you ought to get to know him and become friends first.

My questions:

• How long should you be friends with him before taking the next step? A year? Two years? Less than a year?
  
• How about sex? When do you start making love with him? Do you make love with him instantly after you have officially become his boyfriend? Is it okay to delay the sex for a few months or a year even after he has become your boyfriend?

I have a few candidates and they have shown interest.But I'm not rushing to have a boyfriend right now. Thus I only treat them strictly as friends. I have two reasons.

The first reason is simply because I don't want to choose the wrong guy as I am looking for a monogamous relationship. I want my relationship to be long lasting worthy. I also want my first sex to be special since I'm still a virgin.

The second reason is I'm partially not ready to step into a love relationship. I know that in general I am ready to have a boyfriend. I'm ready to share my feelings with him. I'm ready to cuddle. But I'm still not ready to have sex. I don't think I'll be ready for sex until another year or even two. Hence why I think it would be better just to lay off the plan to have a boyfriend right now. Is this a good move?

Anyway as a result, I don't even dare to flirt with any of them. But I am naturally known to be a friendly guy so I tend to hug, hold their arms, punch their chests softly etc. - unconsciously and spontaneously. I treat my straight male colleagues the same way (Plus Kung Fu kick, Star Wars light saber battle and few others). I hope that they don't see my treatment towards them as flirting.

But I am also kind of worry. I'm worry that if I delay it too long, I would lose that potential guy that I really like as he may get tired of waiting for me.

So any thoughts?

[marshlander]

It is possible to think too hard about this stuff, Jay. This is life, not some sort of fantasy game scenario, where all you have to do is roll some dice. Life is always much less tidy. Sure, I guess you can run through a few "what ifs" and have a few possible contingencies at the ready, but the kind of answers you are seeking verges on control feakery, my friend

Some people meet a man and take him to bed that night. Others wait until later. There are no rules except for the ones you set for yourself. If you meet someone you really like, and who likes you, there will be some chemistry going which you might not want to fight. I can't help thinking that everything changes when you do meet someone special and fall for them. See how you feel when that happens. I would not be surprised if you found yourself wanting to do anything to make him happy, including giving him a gift of yourself

[fredv3b]

I'd agree you shouldn't make too many rules before you have even net someone. I certainly had no intention of sleeping with my bf as soon as I did, but it was right at the time and I don't regret it for a second.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There are no hard and fast rules to love.

Love is a thing we have no control over, thus people 'fall' in love. Mind if you fall off a high structure there ain't much you can do about it except let gravity do its thing. Same applies to love, once you start falling their ain't much you can do to stop it. :tongue:

My best advice is to tell you to let go and let whatever happens happen.

So you have sex and it doesn't turn out. What is the worst that can happen (Besides getting an STD)? I'm not advocating promiscuity, I'm just saying if the guy is a potential mate, then let nature take its course. After all if he is going to be your potential lifelong mate, then finding out if you are compatible in bed is on the list of things you need to find out about.

You try a relationship and it fails - oops. It is better that you try and fail in love then not try at all. While it may hurt like hell in the short run, it gives you experience and teaches you so many other things that the next go round with someone else you bring more into the relationship.

No one is ever 100% 'ready' for a relationship. We may delude ourselves that we are, but that is delusion.

Often the right relationship comes along when you are not looking for it, or when you feel you are the least prepared.

I have been in a relationship nearly 20 years now. When he entered into my life I was not at all prepared, yet here we are 20 years later. Frankly had you told me that he was 'the one' I would have laughed at you.

This is how life deals out the cards - randomly, in no certain order and usually you have no idea which game you are playing.

[Jay]

Re: Marshlander, Fred and Bowyn.

Okay, got it guys. Very much appreciated for your wise thoughts.

I didn't realize that I was making a lot of rules. I only realized it after reading your posts. I'll do my best to just let it happen without restricting it to rules. If fail, I will try and try again. I ought to find Mr Right.

I guess I'm just scared since I'm still a newbie in this subject. I thought that by getting answers from the experienced ones, it would help me to be more well prepared to enter a relationship. It was naive of me to think such of that. I forgot the part where life is unpredictable.

So you have sex and it doesn't turn out. What is the worst that can happen (Besides getting an STD)?

I don't know. I just thought that virginity is precious. I've been saving myself for 27 years so I hope that it doesn't blow and be wasted to the wrong guy.

I think I've been watching and reading too much old school romance stuff.

After all if he is going to be your potential lifelong mate, then finding out if you are compatible in bed is on the list of things you need to find out about.

O, I didn't think of that. Good point.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks again Marshlander, Fred and Bowyn. Very much appreciated.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Well, you know, it is like...you gonna know it's the right moment when it comes. You don't have to deliberately delay the beginning of the relationship if you feel that your heart really wants it. And then, after that...it all comes naturally.

I think that if you want to eventually find the one, you should definitely show those candidates that you are open and would maybe like to know them better.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Re: Marshlander, Fred and Bowyn.

I don't know. I just thought that virginity is precious. I've been saving myself for 27 years so I hope that it doesn't blow and be wasted to the wrong guy.

I think I've been watching and reading too much old school romance stuff.

To a point it is. Again I am not advocating promiscuity.

If the chance offers itself to where a person who are really interested in and there is a potential for a long term relationship exists then holding back may be self defeating.

Do by all means save yourself for a loving guy who cares for you and does want more than just sex. If you have that in your life now, then allow nature to take its course.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I came out of the closet when I was 22, I have only had 8 sexual partners in my whole life. A woman (my attempt to be straight) and 7 men.

4 of those men where serious attempts at relationships, 2 were my woeful attempts to have one night stands. The last is the current man who sleeps in my bed and fills my life with love and joy and has done so for nearly 20 years.

Those four men I made honest, sincere attempts at a lifelong commitment for various reasons the relationships ended. Sex was for us the icing on the cake, the cake was the relationship. I loved them and they loved me, and for a moment we thought that love would never die.

Yet time and events or personalities and defects of characters ended up making it clear that love can die.

As long as you are true to yourself and are making an honest attempt at building a loving relationship with the man, don't be afraid to not share yourself with him completely. Even if it doesn't turn out to be a life-long marriage. None of us knows what will happen down the road, we can only make choices based on what we know today.

[Jay]

Okay I understand, Bowyn. It makes sense.

As long as you are true to yourself and are making an honest attempt at building a loving relationship with the man, don't be afraid to not share yourself with him completely. Even if it doesn't turn out to be a life-long marriage. None of us knows what will happen down the road, we can only make choices based on what we know today.

I could just hug you for that alone. Thanks Bowyn.

Well, you know, it is like...you gonna know it's the right moment when it comes. You don't have to deliberately delay the beginning of the relationship if you feel that your heart really wants it. And then, after that...it all comes naturally.

I think that if you want to eventually find the one, you should definitely show those candidates that you are open and would maybe like to know them better.

Sigh okay, I have a confession. The reason why I'm trying to slow down, don't want to rush and basically avoiding any possible love relationship right now is because I'm planning to have a surgery next year (End of 2011).

I'm not ill. But the surgery is very crucial for my future hence why I kept telling myself all these years that I will only be ready to have a relationship after having the surgery.

But after taking everyone advice into consideration, I guess it doesn't hurt to do a warm up right now. Besides if I don't act now, I will probably lose my entire chance to hit the guys that I really like right now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks again everyone - Marshlander, Fred, SlipknotRlZZ and Bowyn. Very much appreciated.

[princealbertofb]

What kind of surgery, Jay????

[Jay]

Uh, I honestly rather not tell, PrinceAlbert. I'm sorry. Only my parents know about it (I only told them about it three months ago). I even made my parents swear not to tell anyone. For the sake of my pride.

But no worries, I'm not ill.

I will only ready to tell everyone and anyone about it after the surgery. Sorry, PrinceAlbert.