Dating a closeted boyfriend - please help, need advice
10-28-2010, 08:03 AM
Hi all,
I think what I'm looking here for is some honest advice for my relationship. Long post, please bear with me.
I came out of the closet to pretty much everyone except my family. Growing up, because my family worked a lot, communication was severely lacked. When I started understanding that I'm gay, it created internal problems since I had no one to talk to before I came out. I started having negative feelings about myself. Low self-esteem, not confident. Those feelings. And I think the harm is done by the time I came around to tell my friends I'm gay.
From the advice of one of my friends, I started trying out online dating. There I met my first and current boyfriend. I have been in a relationship with him for more than two years now. At the time we met, he was still living in a small town (about 5-hour drive from my city). He was 19 at the time and I was turning 22. His profile was all "straight", basically it says he's looking to date a woman. I questioned that at the very beginning of our chat, he said he cannot have a gay profile because he lived in a small town with homophobic people. I am his second boyfriend and he hasn't come out to any close people in his life. I guess he met other gay people online before me. Anyway, after chatting for about half a year, he had a chance to visit the city and we met a few times. A month later, he moved to the city and we began our relationship.
Things started out a little rough. I became more open to him and he started becoming more closed. He worked two jobs and he barely had any free time. He pretty much gave all his free time to me at the time, so he didn't have many friends. He said that moving out and living on his own can change someone because there are more responsibilities. And that was when he said he was still not comfortable with being gay and having a hard time accepting that. I understood that admitting to himself that he's gay is hard since he grew up in a homophobic small town. And I understand that having all the new responsibilities can weigh someone down, and he might think being gay just makes life harder. Plus, I haven't even come out to my parents. So I cannot judge.
He got promoted to a manager later on. So he had more free time. And that's when our relationship improved. He still didn't have much friends at the time. We started having anal sex (he's the top, I'm the bottom.) It was a wonderful experience even though he had a hard time staying hard most of the time. (He said he had to convince himself to rid of his anti-gay feelings when fucking me.) We've always done oral sex, always me performing on him. I would say that is, up to this point, our highest point of our relationship. (That's fall of 2009.) He even came out to one of his closest friends. But that girl, who doesn't live in the city and has always been difficult to get hold onto, hasn't been in contact with K since then. I think that caused a blow to his confidence in coming out of the closet.
Then a few months ago, I realized things started to go downhill. He started hanging out with a new friend, a girl. I guess they are very compatible and he really likes hanging out with her. I was fine with them hanging out at first. Though I eventually got jealous and complained he didn't spend enough time with me. We got into quite a few arguments. In one of those arguments, he mentioned he has become less gay because of his cousin's wedding, that he realizes being gay makes him losing a chance of a normal life and having kids.
This is when my fear kicked in.
I started fearing his "friendship" with this girl. I couldn't stop thinking, is he trying to date a girl now? Is he cheating on me? That's also when I discovered he has changed quite a bit on his online dating profile which still says he is looking to date women, and updated his pictures and stuff. I confronted him and he said he was bored at the time and that he hasn't logged on for quite a while. I also discovered this girl's profile on the same dating website. I also confronted my bf about this, and he stuck to his story that he met this girl through work, of which she doesn't work there anymore, and stayed jobless.(!??!?) I have my suspicions on how they met, but I've got no proof. I also, unethically, went through his text messages. He has taken her back to the small town with him. Of which when I asked, he said he didn't. I cannot use his text messages as proof since I don't want him to know I scoop around his stuff...He has never taken me back to the place he grew up in, which made me very jealous. But I know this could mean nothing.
I'm not too sure am I giving him excuses. But I think he lies to me to avoid dealing with my "unrealistic" jealousy.
Ever since all of our arguments, he understands my insecurities and our relationship actually improved. He tells me every time he hangs out with her. We talk a lot more. He would try his best to take care of me when he senses that I am upset over that girl. I still get negative (sometimes out of no reason) about him hanging out with her. He says I am being very possessive and unrealistic, and that I am just not used to him having friends, and also that many of my close friends left town. He also corrected his saying that one cannot be less gay and that he cannot even look at a vagina because it's gross........
Here is my problem with our relationship. We are living in a bubble, I don't get to meet his friends. And he doesn't like going out with my friends much because he doesn't like people think of him as gay. He has so much negative feelings in association with being gay, I don't know how I can help him come out. I feel I am not appreciated, and at times discriminated as I feel like we cannot be seen because we're gay. Him not comfortable with his sexuality causes me doubting how much he loves me, and our future.
Deep down I know that I am the one responsible for my own insecurity and negativity. But I truly believe that he can be a more loving person once he can fully accept his sexuality. The lack of physical intimacy is driving me crazy. I feel that I am not attractive most of the time. Because of my lack of communication skills, I have always been accusing him when addressing problems or issues throughout our relationship. Many things I say are often quite negative and he hated it. But he's still cope with me. My friend calls our relationship a toxic relationship because he has problem accepting his sexuality and I have problem with my self-esteem.
Though our communication is better, I feel that it is adding pressure to our relationship. We both just want things to be simple and happy. But my negativities, which i would say is driven by my bf's inability to express his love to me because he is not comfortable doing that to a guy (it's "unnatural"), are like adding salt on a wound.
Any advice in how we can overcome this obstacle? We care for each other a lot. He held me last week and told me we need to get along with each other. I feel his sincerity but I doubt our future together. I want to settle down with him. He is the type of man I like. But he cannot even wrap his mind around us living together because what if his parents visit, or if his friends want to hang out at "our" place. I'd like to think that we truly love each other and that we both want things to work.
How can I think more positively?
How can one help someone accept himself being gay?
I think what I'm looking here for is some honest advice for my relationship. Long post, please bear with me.
I came out of the closet to pretty much everyone except my family. Growing up, because my family worked a lot, communication was severely lacked. When I started understanding that I'm gay, it created internal problems since I had no one to talk to before I came out. I started having negative feelings about myself. Low self-esteem, not confident. Those feelings. And I think the harm is done by the time I came around to tell my friends I'm gay.
From the advice of one of my friends, I started trying out online dating. There I met my first and current boyfriend. I have been in a relationship with him for more than two years now. At the time we met, he was still living in a small town (about 5-hour drive from my city). He was 19 at the time and I was turning 22. His profile was all "straight", basically it says he's looking to date a woman. I questioned that at the very beginning of our chat, he said he cannot have a gay profile because he lived in a small town with homophobic people. I am his second boyfriend and he hasn't come out to any close people in his life. I guess he met other gay people online before me. Anyway, after chatting for about half a year, he had a chance to visit the city and we met a few times. A month later, he moved to the city and we began our relationship.
Things started out a little rough. I became more open to him and he started becoming more closed. He worked two jobs and he barely had any free time. He pretty much gave all his free time to me at the time, so he didn't have many friends. He said that moving out and living on his own can change someone because there are more responsibilities. And that was when he said he was still not comfortable with being gay and having a hard time accepting that. I understood that admitting to himself that he's gay is hard since he grew up in a homophobic small town. And I understand that having all the new responsibilities can weigh someone down, and he might think being gay just makes life harder. Plus, I haven't even come out to my parents. So I cannot judge.
He got promoted to a manager later on. So he had more free time. And that's when our relationship improved. He still didn't have much friends at the time. We started having anal sex (he's the top, I'm the bottom.) It was a wonderful experience even though he had a hard time staying hard most of the time. (He said he had to convince himself to rid of his anti-gay feelings when fucking me.) We've always done oral sex, always me performing on him. I would say that is, up to this point, our highest point of our relationship. (That's fall of 2009.) He even came out to one of his closest friends. But that girl, who doesn't live in the city and has always been difficult to get hold onto, hasn't been in contact with K since then. I think that caused a blow to his confidence in coming out of the closet.
Then a few months ago, I realized things started to go downhill. He started hanging out with a new friend, a girl. I guess they are very compatible and he really likes hanging out with her. I was fine with them hanging out at first. Though I eventually got jealous and complained he didn't spend enough time with me. We got into quite a few arguments. In one of those arguments, he mentioned he has become less gay because of his cousin's wedding, that he realizes being gay makes him losing a chance of a normal life and having kids.
This is when my fear kicked in.
I started fearing his "friendship" with this girl. I couldn't stop thinking, is he trying to date a girl now? Is he cheating on me? That's also when I discovered he has changed quite a bit on his online dating profile which still says he is looking to date women, and updated his pictures and stuff. I confronted him and he said he was bored at the time and that he hasn't logged on for quite a while. I also discovered this girl's profile on the same dating website. I also confronted my bf about this, and he stuck to his story that he met this girl through work, of which she doesn't work there anymore, and stayed jobless.(!??!?) I have my suspicions on how they met, but I've got no proof. I also, unethically, went through his text messages. He has taken her back to the small town with him. Of which when I asked, he said he didn't. I cannot use his text messages as proof since I don't want him to know I scoop around his stuff...He has never taken me back to the place he grew up in, which made me very jealous. But I know this could mean nothing.
I'm not too sure am I giving him excuses. But I think he lies to me to avoid dealing with my "unrealistic" jealousy.
Ever since all of our arguments, he understands my insecurities and our relationship actually improved. He tells me every time he hangs out with her. We talk a lot more. He would try his best to take care of me when he senses that I am upset over that girl. I still get negative (sometimes out of no reason) about him hanging out with her. He says I am being very possessive and unrealistic, and that I am just not used to him having friends, and also that many of my close friends left town. He also corrected his saying that one cannot be less gay and that he cannot even look at a vagina because it's gross........
Here is my problem with our relationship. We are living in a bubble, I don't get to meet his friends. And he doesn't like going out with my friends much because he doesn't like people think of him as gay. He has so much negative feelings in association with being gay, I don't know how I can help him come out. I feel I am not appreciated, and at times discriminated as I feel like we cannot be seen because we're gay. Him not comfortable with his sexuality causes me doubting how much he loves me, and our future.
Deep down I know that I am the one responsible for my own insecurity and negativity. But I truly believe that he can be a more loving person once he can fully accept his sexuality. The lack of physical intimacy is driving me crazy. I feel that I am not attractive most of the time. Because of my lack of communication skills, I have always been accusing him when addressing problems or issues throughout our relationship. Many things I say are often quite negative and he hated it. But he's still cope with me. My friend calls our relationship a toxic relationship because he has problem accepting his sexuality and I have problem with my self-esteem.
Though our communication is better, I feel that it is adding pressure to our relationship. We both just want things to be simple and happy. But my negativities, which i would say is driven by my bf's inability to express his love to me because he is not comfortable doing that to a guy (it's "unnatural"), are like adding salt on a wound.
Any advice in how we can overcome this obstacle? We care for each other a lot. He held me last week and told me we need to get along with each other. I feel his sincerity but I doubt our future together. I want to settle down with him. He is the type of man I like. But he cannot even wrap his mind around us living together because what if his parents visit, or if his friends want to hang out at "our" place. I'd like to think that we truly love each other and that we both want things to work.
How can I think more positively?
How can one help someone accept himself being gay?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
to GaySpeak. I have read your thread about the boyfriend situation. Maybe being gay is not someone's choice, but living the gay life with a boyfriend is a choice, as opposed to choosing the easy way out and living the straight life. Whether he'll be happy with that in the long run is not our choice to make, neither is it really yours, even though he may be committing a big mistake in trying to fool himself that he'll be able to sustain a straight façade and straight relationship.
