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Dating a closeted boyfriend - please help, need advice
Hi all,

I think what I'm looking here for is some honest advice for my relationship. Long post, please bear with me.

I came out of the closet to pretty much everyone except my family. Growing up, because my family worked a lot, communication was severely lacked. When I started understanding that I'm gay, it created internal problems since I had no one to talk to before I came out. I started having negative feelings about myself. Low self-esteem, not confident. Those feelings. And I think the harm is done by the time I came around to tell my friends I'm gay.

From the advice of one of my friends, I started trying out online dating. There I met my first and current boyfriend. I have been in a relationship with him for more than two years now. At the time we met, he was still living in a small town (about 5-hour drive from my city). He was 19 at the time and I was turning 22. His profile was all "straight", basically it says he's looking to date a woman. I questioned that at the very beginning of our chat, he said he cannot have a gay profile because he lived in a small town with homophobic people. I am his second boyfriend and he hasn't come out to any close people in his life. I guess he met other gay people online before me. Anyway, after chatting for about half a year, he had a chance to visit the city and we met a few times. A month later, he moved to the city and we began our relationship.

Things started out a little rough. I became more open to him and he started becoming more closed. He worked two jobs and he barely had any free time. He pretty much gave all his free time to me at the time, so he didn't have many friends. He said that moving out and living on his own can change someone because there are more responsibilities. And that was when he said he was still not comfortable with being gay and having a hard time accepting that. I understood that admitting to himself that he's gay is hard since he grew up in a homophobic small town. And I understand that having all the new responsibilities can weigh someone down, and he might think being gay just makes life harder. Plus, I haven't even come out to my parents. So I cannot judge.

He got promoted to a manager later on. So he had more free time. And that's when our relationship improved. He still didn't have much friends at the time. We started having anal sex (he's the top, I'm the bottom.) It was a wonderful experience even though he had a hard time staying hard most of the time. (He said he had to convince himself to rid of his anti-gay feelings when fucking me.) We've always done oral sex, always me performing on him. I would say that is, up to this point, our highest point of our relationship. (That's fall of 2009.) He even came out to one of his closest friends. But that girl, who doesn't live in the city and has always been difficult to get hold onto, hasn't been in contact with K since then. I think that caused a blow to his confidence in coming out of the closet.

Then a few months ago, I realized things started to go downhill. He started hanging out with a new friend, a girl. I guess they are very compatible and he really likes hanging out with her. I was fine with them hanging out at first. Though I eventually got jealous and complained he didn't spend enough time with me. We got into quite a few arguments. In one of those arguments, he mentioned he has become less gay because of his cousin's wedding, that he realizes being gay makes him losing a chance of a normal life and having kids.
This is when my fear kicked in.
I started fearing his "friendship" with this girl. I couldn't stop thinking, is he trying to date a girl now? Is he cheating on me? That's also when I discovered he has changed quite a bit on his online dating profile which still says he is looking to date women, and updated his pictures and stuff. I confronted him and he said he was bored at the time and that he hasn't logged on for quite a while. I also discovered this girl's profile on the same dating website. I also confronted my bf about this, and he stuck to his story that he met this girl through work, of which she doesn't work there anymore, and stayed jobless.(!??!?) I have my suspicions on how they met, but I've got no proof. I also, unethically, went through his text messages. He has taken her back to the small town with him. Of which when I asked, he said he didn't. I cannot use his text messages as proof since I don't want him to know I scoop around his stuff...He has never taken me back to the place he grew up in, which made me very jealous. But I know this could mean nothing.

I'm not too sure am I giving him excuses. But I think he lies to me to avoid dealing with my "unrealistic" jealousy.

Ever since all of our arguments, he understands my insecurities and our relationship actually improved. He tells me every time he hangs out with her. We talk a lot more. He would try his best to take care of me when he senses that I am upset over that girl. I still get negative (sometimes out of no reason) about him hanging out with her. He says I am being very possessive and unrealistic, and that I am just not used to him having friends, and also that many of my close friends left town. He also corrected his saying that one cannot be less gay and that he cannot even look at a vagina because it's gross........

Here is my problem with our relationship. We are living in a bubble, I don't get to meet his friends. And he doesn't like going out with my friends much because he doesn't like people think of him as gay. He has so much negative feelings in association with being gay, I don't know how I can help him come out. I feel I am not appreciated, and at times discriminated as I feel like we cannot be seen because we're gay. Him not comfortable with his sexuality causes me doubting how much he loves me, and our future.

Deep down I know that I am the one responsible for my own insecurity and negativity. But I truly believe that he can be a more loving person once he can fully accept his sexuality. The lack of physical intimacy is driving me crazy. I feel that I am not attractive most of the time. Because of my lack of communication skills, I have always been accusing him when addressing problems or issues throughout our relationship. Many things I say are often quite negative and he hated it. But he's still cope with me. My friend calls our relationship a toxic relationship because he has problem accepting his sexuality and I have problem with my self-esteem.

Though our communication is better, I feel that it is adding pressure to our relationship. We both just want things to be simple and happy. But my negativities, which i would say is driven by my bf's inability to express his love to me because he is not comfortable doing that to a guy (it's "unnatural"), are like adding salt on a wound.

Any advice in how we can overcome this obstacle? We care for each other a lot. He held me last week and told me we need to get along with each other. I feel his sincerity but I doubt our future together. I want to settle down with him. He is the type of man I like. But he cannot even wrap his mind around us living together because what if his parents visit, or if his friends want to hang out at "our" place. I'd like to think that we truly love each other and that we both want things to work.

How can I think more positively?

How can one help someone accept himself being gay?

Wow...I didn't realize how long the post actually is until after I posted...sorry guys. =P

I think... the much more important question is: Can YOU life with this kind of relationship? And for me it seems that you can´t.
I would talk to him very clearly ... that you don´t want it this way ... You should be for him the part who counts in a relationship... not his friends ... not your friends.
What would you do in future ... separate Holidays and Birthday-partys ? And when his friends visit him he locks you into the cellar ?
I think this needs a really open discussion between you both...

invis85 Wrote:Wow...I didn't realize how long the post actually is until after I posted...sorry guys. =P
hi my name is tony
you are in a predicament arent you? dont blame your self.takes 2 to tanog as they say.are you sure your bf is GAY? maybe hes BI? have you asked him if he is? its difficult for some guys to accept there gay or bi.hormones drive you crazy sometime.i suspect reading your letter he may be bi? of corse you will feel jealous and angry that he is showing this girl more attention than you! for me personally i think you are born gay.maybe not realise it when your young.some guys do some dont.having all them arguments will just make things lot worse i think.its difficult enough for you as you not come out entirely.hes also working in 2 jobs which will put strain on your realtionship to.as he probably tired after a long day.but still he should try and spend more time with you.if he wont sit down and talk problems with you.or makes excuses all the time.maybbe hes bi and wont admit ti? if you still having problems and cant resolve it.maybe it time you moved on.sorry if it sound harsh.if it was me personally.i would be telling him its over
hope you get things sorted take care tony

What an unhappy story. It sounds like your friend could be right and the relationship is pretty toxic at the moment. I do understand what it is like when you have a partner who is unable, for whatever reason, to be out, but coming out is only something he can do when he's ready - unless you plan to out him, which is most definitely NOT a good idea. You've not been particularly honourable by snooping through his messages and trust is obviously an issue. Once that has gone, it is really difficult to get it back.

Unless you can both face your demons head on and deal with your challenges and differences I can't see much happiness in the near future. If you can't resolve your problems by discussing them maybe it's time to take a break so you can both take stock of what you have and what you want?

Good luck.

Unfortunately he is unwilling, perhaps just unable to 'come out' now. your choices are limited. You can stick around and bite your lip waiting, or you can tell him that this relationship is hurting you and break it off.

YOU cannot fix him.

You can be supportive, patient, reasonably understanding. But you can not make his life choices for him, you can not force him out of the closet. Oh you can 'turn him out' to everyone, but that will be a very damaging thing to do not only to your relationship but to him as well.

I fear that your worst imaginations about him and the new girl are most likely well founded. The evidence is there - at least you see the evidence, and usually a 'normal' person will not jump to the conclusion that their partner is 'cheating' unless there is some evidence to that end.

Unless you had a bad relationship where your partner did cheat and you see cheating behind every smile, I would go with the gut instinct.

All in all this 'boy' is not being 100% open and honest to you, and not 100% open and honest with himself.

Your first mistake was dating a 'straight boy'. Personally If I was dating or looking for potential mate I wouldn't be drawn to the profile where the guy says he is straight.

It is now time where you two sit down and everything is laid out on the table. Tell him point blank that you want him to treat you like this girl. Tell him if he can't do that then its over.

I don't think this relationship will work. If you want it works, you need the efforts from BOTH sides. The question is not what you should do now. The question is does your boy friend still love you or not?

Thanks for your response. My friends often come to me for advice on their relationship and I imagined if I had a friend in the exact same situation as I am in, I would say the same things you all said.

I am fine with him being bisexual. I don't think he is though. Maybe I over reacted? I hope I am not looking for excuses for him, but he does need friends and he doesn't have a lot.

Thing is, I was honestly comfortable with our bubble up until a few months ago. I guess when he started having a life outside his bubble, I want to join him. Part of me am glad that he found a friend. I wish that he could come out to someone and that person sticks around. He needs the confidence that he wouldn't lose everything for being gay.

I thought about taking a break too. But I personally don't like the idea because I don't think I am strong enough to go through that.

Hello Invis85 and Welcome to GaySpeak. I have read your thread about the boyfriend situation. Maybe being gay is not someone's choice, but living the gay life with a boyfriend is a choice, as opposed to choosing the easy way out and living the straight life. Whether he'll be happy with that in the long run is not our choice to make, neither is it really yours, even though he may be committing a big mistake in trying to fool himself that he'll be able to sustain a straight façade and straight relationship.
On the other hand, if he is bisexual, you are both young and (I suppose) fairly inexperienced, so you've got to let him have a try at being straight.

I know I did it, just because I was not only curious, but had found a partner that seemed fitted for the occasion, and it did keep me (in a certain sense) out of trouble from family pressures and other such things. In the end, when my girlfriend and I separated, 4 years into our relationship, for reasons that were exterior to the relationship itself, I swore to myself that I wouldn't "deceive" another woman by getting into such a situation as being with her while wanting badly to be with a man... (not that I cheated on my girlfriend ever). This was not something I would talk about, just something that I knew I would stick to.
It took me a good many years before I was able to act on it and find my present partner. So sometimes, it takes time to find out who you really are, and to feel comfortable with it. I've been there, so I think I know what he may be going through. Let him find out for himself. If you really love him, be there for him, as a friend, as a lover, so that he knows that at least he's got someone to talk to about it.
On your side, your choice is to continue pursuing your relationship or to discontinue it and move on. If you are not getting satisfaction out of the relationship and it is causing you too much anxiety and jealousy, then you owe it to yourself to look for a relationship better suited to your needs, which he obviously can't fulfil.
Best of luck in the undertaking.

BTW, why I wrote this was because since living this sort of life is our choice, then we have to be ready, as well, to take some of the consequences, such as losing part of what the other life may have afforded us... ie, kids, a hetero situation and life, sometimes some lose their family ties etc... It's all part of the picture and part of the problem. It's about making the right choices for ourselves.

Hi invis.

You can call a cat a fish, but you'll never make it swim!

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