The world moves to fast

[Robg]

So here i am. 28 never had a meaningfull relationship, i've not had a close friend for a long time. I'm so lonely and i suffer from depression.
I worked ever since i left school and i worked hard. Being slightly feminine/androgynous and not a manly man it was a mistake to become an electrician because the people who i end up working with share very little in common with me. Working 10hrs a day getting tired leaves little time for self exploration and social activities. after a few years of this i hit a wall!

I haven't worked for 2 years now, i tried to suicide. I was very desperate. I feel very lost and wanting to know who i am and what social circles i can find happiness.
I cross dressed ALOT when on my own after work and then ra[idly increasing during the time i was unemployed. I have always wondered what is wrong with me, why do i not fit in with anyone. I really started to believe i was transgendered (maybe i am). Trouble is, i have no foundation for a healthy lifestyle. no friends very little positive in my life. I have my parents but they are so straight and hard working people.
So, with no foundation how can i really decide what i am when i can't give anything a good test. Sure i can sit at home dressed up and think this is for me but reality is not in my home on my own...
I have been out dressed to clubs and i have met a few people this way but i find the whole thing really awquard so nothing serious has ever come from it. I decided to pursue this transgenderism idea and i went to a psychotherapist but stopped once i realised there is some more basic things to fix before i can get that serious about it (living as a woman and getting hormones).
Am i transgendered? i'm not so sure, i think maybe i was just so desperate that i made myself believe it.
Maybe i have a mental disorder? aspurgers or something similar. I am not familiar with many social mental disorders.

I am now really looking for work instead of faking it to get my benefits (they didn't accept my aplication for incapacity, two legs two arms means your fit for work i guess )
I need work, i need money. I now have to go back working and i haven't figured anything out so i'll probably end up falling apart again. I hate this dumb world!
I will just have to be possitive and TRY i guess....

Hope this isn't to hard to read, i'm not very good at writing.

[mooninleo]

I enjoyed reading your post. I feel like i completely understand where you're coming from.

I thought i found happiness 2 years ago with a guy.. and it ended up being the worst thing for me.

Now i'm alone and don't really have any friends since i moved away from the guy.. and i spend most of my nights alone because i don't really have any friends who are smart or openminded or interesting.

Everything i try lately only seems to be a distraction til death. how sad does that sound.

dressing up is fun. in the midwest there is a big dragqueen scene, and gay people are generally much more supportive of the drag scene. out here in ca i haven't found anything like that. i miss it and peoples overall view on such matters. i've dressed up a few times with friends but always thought it was fun. guys out here are so critical and hateful.

i tried doing it out here but it wasnt quite the same as sharing the experience with friends.

If i were there i'd be your friend

[Robg]

Hey Leo,
Sounds like you are in a very similar situation, it's nice to know there are people with the same problems as me although kind of selfish to feel comfort in someone elses suffering o0. Not quite as bad as a serial killer though! *hugs*
I guess finding some friends and eventually/maybe moving to a better area is the way forward, perhaps for you also. It's just so hard to find people to connect with :/
I wish i was more manly and straight and into football or something lol
One thing for sure, it's un-healthy to be isolated staying at home all the time.

You would be very welcome in my home (box, coffin etc)

[Aaycle]

Hey Robg,

How are you today? Man, I hope you're good! I have a question, you said, you dated a few people (males or females, or both), and found it awkward, so nothing ever came of it. I also see you are struggling with a sexual identity, not sure if you would like to be a transgender or not. And, you also wish you were "straight". I think this may be the problem, you may have to decide (and your happiness depends on this) who you're gonna love.

But, I get from your description of your self, that your are one hot babes, perhaps you should try the emo look? Hey, good luck with your job search, I hope you get one soon, so that you may focus on more important things , like finding a mate, who loves every part of you.

[Robg]

Hi Aaycle,
So you think i might have to decide between dating men or women on a lifestyle level or am i gonna love me for my male self or trans self? certainly gets me thinking either way. I think i can find a happy midway between trans and male, i love having long hair and smooth hairless skin and dressing as a male is no problem. I will have a look at emo styles and see if it appeals.
As far as how i'm feeling. I feel like i do everyother day because of my form of anti depression, hiding away from reality in my home on my own which is a good thing for now

haha i can look fairly decent i think. Would like to go to the tanning salon again though :/. not to get brown but to just even out my skin tone and not be so pale, it's also really good for you

You have read me very well and some sound advice thank you.

[mooninleo]

Hello RobG,

Yes every day is a constant battle to try to love myself and be who i am. I'm working now, and getting to go home and have my alone time is very important. to me. Yeah it does feel like i live in a bomb shelter or something sometimes.

I'm learning how to be more introverted and patient with myself.. but its def hard to stay afloat.

I'm not into the mass entertainment here in the US either. I usually just find ways to be distracted and unwind from reality. Its good to be able to do that sometimes. One friend of mine was saying, oh just start going to the same bar by yourself, and eventually people will start recognizing you, blah blah.
but i dont. its just too awkward and i'm too tired and emotionally needy after work sometimes.

I've heard there are decent gay scenes in the UK. You have Ab Fab and the Spice Girls out there.

[Sil]

Hi Rob,

hope things are picking up a little for you, I know what it's like being down and out from when I was graduating a few years back, probably one of the worst times of my life and it sounds similar. I wouldn't try and worry about labels too much, having to define yourself a certain way; I always think a person is defined by their actions rather than their interests.

I wish I had more experience in this field to help you with but I'll offer what I can. Back when I was single I briefly dated a guy who was slim, feminine, and quite depressed as it later turned out; he was interested in cross-dressing and had been considering having a full sex change and had a number of outfits he would try and wear when he was out, mostly subtle things to gradually ease himself into it in public. We lost touch after a while but he was always doing things progressively and working with a speech therapist to help with aspects of his body he wanted to change. I suppose what I'm saying is it may take time for you to feel comfortable with it from my memories of his experiences.

I remember wanting to be straight played that game for far too long...

And here comes the trite stuff- excercise is great for depression I've found. I'm not an advocate of "throwing yourself out there" because it can be quite a draining and scary experience that you put yourself through. I think a like-minded mate would be a great asset, and I hope there's people here who can give you more informed advice than me. x

[Robg]

Hi Leo
Please don't work to much, get time off with a plan to treat yourself like you deserve. I apreciate that this is maybe an idealistic view but we are expected to work way to much and then end up to tired to focus on social activities and things. Not that i have ever had the inclanation to go sit in a bar untill i make friends, that is as you say, just to awquard. Possible though.

Hi Sil
I'm not sure that i need to become transgendered. I think i can be happy by finding friends in the LGBT scene. I think i may have really pushed myself into the whole trans idea because of my desperation for happiness and finding out who i am and being so lonely. I did start to wear girls jeans and fairly unisex tops, i even came out to my parents about it. I went back to male clothes because i need to get a job and some money, wether or not i want to begin transitioning again once i'm back on my feet i don't know. I really have to get the hell out of my house and start getting a life.

I'm going to buy a push bike and get some exercise. I'll probably give up smoking at the same time. Just need to save up the pennies untill i can afford one (or give up smoking so i can afford one lol), the exercise will help me to give up though.

Thank you guys

[DarkDaisuke]

Im sorry I feel bad now

[Robg]

haha don't worry it's not all bad. I've been speaking to my old boss and might be getting some work soon, also applied for other jobs too!