Anal Sex Advice

[Anonymous]

mile:

I am 23 and have had 'limited' sexual experiences (I do realise this term is relative) - I am, not necessarily proud of, somewhat conservative when it comes to sex. I've been with about a handful of 'randoms' - and never suggested anal sex, and would have politely (and then firmly) declined had they suggested it..

When I say conservative I guess I mean that.. I enjoy sex far more when I am with someone I care about. The 'randoms' and 'one-nighters' have left me feeling dirty and regretful so I stopped doing it - yes, I realise there will be people who think 'sex is just for fun' but I guess sex is different things to different people.. and I have found through experience that sex with strangers is not fun for me, though I appreciate that others find it so ^_^

I think.. perhaps a bit of a pre-amble is required.. I have never truly been comfortable with anal sex.. although I am an open homosexual and sorta have been since 15.. I've always been a little 'prejudiced' at the idea of anal sex.. very narrow-minded..it has something I have tried time and time again to change but it feels very deeply built in.. I think this is my problem - I do not wish to view anal sex as 'gross' or 'grotty' or 'rude' but these are the first things that come to mind...

I have had two serious relationships, one of which I have currently been in for 1 year, and another which lasted for 18 months which started when I was 17.

In my first relationship I told my partner that 'I don't do anal sex' - after about 6 months I decided I was willing to try things out - he was very caring and considerate, by all accounts - we started with the finger (which I did not like.. as I had previously trialled masturbating with a 'slip of the finger' and felt something one may expect to feel .. ick...) but I asked to quickly move on to the next step. We moved very slowly - it burned, oohhh boy did it burn.. I remember sitting there.. we were very relaxed, open, intimate, but it burned. Together we worked at it, because I wanted to be able to be intimate with him in this way, and over time it became better and better .. and I was very surprised to have found myself enjoying it.. at first I enjoyed it because it didn't hurt anymore, and I loved watching my partner enjoy it.. and eventually I found myself enjoying it because it actually felt great.

So, we broke up.

A couple of years later, I started seeing my current partner.

I still do not believe I have gotten to the stage of where I was at with my previous partner and this troubles me.. because I would like to be very comfortable and open and be able to engage in this with no troubles.. sigh.

Though my partner says one hundred times over that he is patient, and he does not wish for me to feel pressured - he is far more sexual than I am, his comments, the things he says.. sometimes very rude.. anyway, I still feel there is a bit of pressure, though he would never say it. He is very understanding, incredibly so - I have not 'put out' now for about 2 months and nothing has even been said - prior to this, I at least 'tried' every now and then.

I have so much to type

I wish this was not an issue.. sigh.

I do not see myself as a top or a bottom, I like to see myself as fifty fifty.. but lately I have only been a top and I feel it is rude, even though he seems to thoroughly enjoy being a bottom, I would like for things to be more 'even', more 'fair'.

I have noticed that I am very susceptible to leaving a 'mess' on my partner's wang. I'm not sure if this is because I am a smoker, or because I have a low-fibre diet.. I think that the fear that this disgusting turn-off will ruin the mood has lead me to not want to try anal sex at all anymore, it's almost a 50 50 chance that I will leave mess - I am aware of some things to avoid - to avoid it at times recently after a meal, as it gets the digestive system going - and that a good time to have anal sex is a couple of hours after a crap. Of course timing your sex life around your bowel movements is not always convenient nor appropriate My partner has never complained about the mess, nor would he ever, he knows I find it embarrassing and does his very best to make sure I do not feel embarrassed.. but I still do of course. And the smell - yeurgh.

Aaand.. I guess the only last thing I can't overcome is that.. when my partner has sex with me, I would like him to 'finish' inside me.. I think this is intimate - however this partner, unlike any other partner I have been with, takes a 'lot to get off'.. and um. This may sound cold/inappropriate.. I do notice myself get .. impatient, regardless of whether or not the sex we are having is anal.. but the problem is.. during anal sex.. I dunno, I am trying my very best to be comfortable, and open.. and he just.. takes.. forever.. and he'll be going all nice and good and fast.. and then decide he needs to slow down.. and I think this makes me impatient (I don't think it should make me impatient..), and then it goes over and over like this for a while.. and I think the impatience makes it start to hurt.. at which point I will ask him to please stop and pull out, which he does so happily.

I just.. I would like to please my partner.

I cannot overcome this, I have read endlessly on the internet...
Communication lines are very open and I am always in a comfortable setting..


If anyone could offer any advice at all, perhaps it will be the thing that ends up improving my sex life

PS. I do not want to tell my partner that I get impatient... because I feel that 'getting off', and the speeds at which we do, to an extent can be a 'mind over matter' thing. I think that if you are pressuring a man to cum, he will take longer because he feels pressured. I think that if a man feels he 'ejaculates prematurely', then he is will be worried about this and probably will cum early. So I think mentioning this to my partner will only worsen the issue - perhaps I need to become more patient..



Thank you.

[memphis]

why don't you try seeing a sex therapist? this may help you work through your issues and not feel so alone with it all. make its a gay affirmative therapist who has seen gay men before, too.

[eastofeden]

I am not sure if I can help you overall but one thing you mentioned I have encountered myself and maybe I can help you there...or at least give you something to consider.

I personally love anal sex and I am primarily a top but I have been a bottom as well and when I was a bottom I also grew tired of waiting for someone to get off when it took a while ( I would get easily bored) so to keep it real I either needed to establish a completely physical erotic connection where we both got off in a reasonable amount of time OR...I can be submissive and go for hours IF my partner is truly dominant and can engage me mentally as well....preferably taking me somewhere I havent' been and either would like to go or if they are REALLY GOOD..."need" to go...you would be surprised how much more you can relax with someone who is an intuitive dominant and can engage your mind, body and soul all at once.

I would shoot for mutual satisfaction versus just pleasing your partner...I also think the biggest sex organ is your imagination so use it freely...it might do the trick.

Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your suggestions and advice.

I will be pondering these ideas and perspectives in depth during the upcoming weeks..

I think I prefer to view myself as versatile also because, I believe identifying myself as a 'top' is.. selfish.

:confused:

[eastofeden]

I think I prefer to view myself as versatile also because, I believe identifying myself as a 'top' is.. selfish.

:confused:

In the spriit of yin/yang...in order to be a good top it is essential to be a good bottom as well...same with dominance/submission...they are interchangeable.

[princealbertofb]

I'll have to agree with East that the biggest sex organ is your brain.... Maybe you should work a bit more on mutual masturbation (or, if you are into it, oral sex) rather than wait patiently (or impatiently) for your lover to come while doing the anal thing. The readier he is to come from his own or your own friction, the easier it ought to get for him to ejaculate within seconds or minutes. Maybe it's all about changing your sex play and how long you take over each activity?

[MGT]

Dude, clean yourself out before anal sex. dusche, bidet, wash...whatever..

Also, if you dont have to worry about the mess, it might be easier for you to relax. I have found that with time, I have gotten more comfortable as a bottom..and enjoy it now much, much more then when I was younger.

[dyrian]

:biggrin::biggrin:




is any body there ready to comunicate in "Anglo Italian"?
I would like so much...I am starving for a gay dinner........
dyrian

[princealbertofb]

:biggrin::biggrin:




is any body there ready to comunicate in "Anglo Italian"?
I would like so much...I am starving for a gay dinner........
dyrian

Is your post appropriately placed, Dyrian???
Maybe repost in the relationships section?