Dealing with the Past

[Sil]

this all seems rather fitting given the recent Chronos Clock post!... but no philosophical debate here really; also apologies if I've posted this before but it's cropped up again.

My boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, in about 6 months time once we're both ready financially. I've never lived with a partner before full-time and I'm starting to realise all the implications of this - increased intimacy, lack of privacy, contribution, co-operation... it's going to have to cut a lot of the selfish parts of me out of my life and make me grow up. I got my wish and never thought it would come to this.

We were talking lately about reincarnation, jokingly, saying I would have to come back in another life to make up all the favours I owe all good fun at first. I explained how the principle of karma means you have to do good things in your life to be reborn as something equally good.

"in that case I'll come back as the contents of a hoover bag..."

"nah, I don't believe that... you've done some good things."

"Nah, I've been a bastard." was his reply, and he chuckled a little. I said "really?" and he just nodded and said "yeah."

For some reason this all brought back his past life from 19-26, sleeping around, clubbing it with his ex who was a DJ. For someone of his age who's been a certified barfly/ meatmarket customer, the amount of people he's slept with isn't that bad. I asked him straight up and he said he didn't remember until I looked frightened and he said it was 6 or 7. The circumstances are sketchy however - one being barely legal, another being chucked out to 'go home' after the dirty. Bad images, bad thoughts, and a bad new image of him with it. Yes, I know that's in the past and people change, but the past defines people; you are your past. He may just be hiding the truth to protect me, although this isn't likely because he's admirably blunt. It's the fact that he may just be settling for something boring and comfortable with me, it makes me feel like a warm blanket rather than a sexy boyfriend.

He could just be referring to trivial things, and I'm correlating these two things way too much. I don't doubt he loves me, but thinking about the things he's done in the past makes me less in love with him, and it's hard to tell him; it seems judgemental. I've been trying for months and I still can't forgive him for one particular incident and just move on, it's so hard, really goes against some of my principles.

Has anyone ever been conflicted in love due to history?

[Mr. Not So Lonely]

Sil i have read you post and frankly i am surprised
you would love someone less for some thing he he cannot change? his past
Tell me that you are perfect and have nothing in your past you regret and i will say i am sorry.
Your Bf is human not a god
you are worried about you not being a sexy boy friend maybe it is YOU who need to look at you. are you in a relationship based on SEX or mutual understanding, trust, and love.
I am being a little sort as I LOST a real love to death not another human.
He has a past so what talk to him about it love him more not less does he regret the things he has done has he changed and not do them anymore TALK TO HIM

[Sil]

Sil i have read you post and frankly i am surprised
you would love someone less for some thing he he cannot change? his past
Tell me that you are perfect and have nothing in your past you regret and i will say i am sorry.
Your Bf is human not a god
you are worried about you not being a sexy boy friend maybe it is YOU who need to look at you. are you in a relationship based on SEX or mutual understanding, trust, and love.
I am being a little sort as I LOST a real love to death not another human.
He has a past so what talk to him about it love him more not less does he regret the things he has done has he changed and not do them anymore TALK TO HIM

I know, I didn't mean to dissapoint you hope it doesn't come across this way...

It's completely irrational and not really logical, but I can't help the way I feel over this; but I accept I should change, as the way I'm currently dealing with it doesn't seem right. On a reactionary level- Yes I would love him less for it sadly, the incident in particular was shocking and inexcusable to me, made me quite angry. it's pretty much the point I'm at now. I don't mean to but I can't help the way I react to things. I'm not perfect and I've done things I regret too, but when I'm involved with someone sex becomes a very touchy subject, as I have an active imagination and tend to latch onto things.

The sexy boyfriend thing is lesser, I don't really have any issues over us being attracted to each other. I was sorry to hear about your partner it does put things in perspective for me regarding all this.

I have talked to him about it a little but I wonder a lot of the same things - I couldn't say if he regrets it (he would never tell me that honestly because of empathy). He has changed I think, and doesn't get tempted to go back to that way of life. You're right though, I think it's me with the problem here.

[juk]

Sil honey, we all have to get our heads around the ex-files and some find it easier than others. You know, sometimes the loveliest of people have been horrible in their past - the point is the past has shaped your BF into the man he is today. What he is like now, and how he treats you in the here and now, and the future are all that really count.

Look at him, remind yourself of why you love him and take a leap of faith.

Hugs

[posterpicture]

Sil, as a Buddhist, I have some words for you.

The past is important, that is where we made our mistake, we failed from those mistake and we stood up to walk away from them. However, the present is even more important, we are living in present so we can use what we learn in the past to have a more harmonic life. That is why in reincarnation, we come back to life after we death to correct the mistake of the past of that life ( which mean our life now ).
Your boy friend past can be bitter, can be sweet but it 's not important as present. The important thing you should know is he is using what he has learned from that past to give you a better present. And congrats, moving means half way to happy ever after

[marshlander]

I will second juk's comments. Hopefully we do learn from the outcomes of what we do. I know some patterns become ingrained, but if he really loves you and you love him it's a pretty good start. If you go ahead with moving in together remember it doesn't mean you become conjoined twins. Give each other some space too.

Hope it works out nicely!