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in a crazy relationship!
I have been in love with my man for over 8 years. we are in a so called good relationship, but recently I notice he is different. He is sending pics of him to other guys. used to be of us both but now he has his own pic. He tells dudes hes on the down low. He has an account with adam4adam. he looks for friendship cam to cam. He even wrote to this guy saying to hit him up if he needed comfort. I said wtf with that. He might be bisexual but I am most certain he is gay. Now I know that for african americans dL means having sex with men and female. I just cant see him doing that. I cracked the code to his e mail and all of his accounts fb..... have the same password. All I see is guys trying to meet up with him and circumstances not allowing it. When he was on unemployment he was home all the time. Now he is a truck driver. over the road. I just don't know how to confront him. How do you tell someone of 8 years. I am just home with our two kids and this situation is burning up in me. I feel like if I confront him our relationship could be over. we could try to work through it but that is depending on him. Since we began we tell each other everything. I mean sexual partners, stds and when we get flirted on I mean everything. He just wont tell me this. Is he all the way or bi. Is he feeling me. I mean it looks like it buy the things he says. How loving and affectionate he is. Now he did tell me he was going through some changes and that has me worried. I feel I know what to do but how? should I try to get a career and steady money first. I do have culinary training, I just aint in the kitchen unless its at home cause I have a baby and first grader. I will go now I hope this post lets people know that it happens and if anyone going through this, you arenot alone. I hope people respond and give suggestions or anything. Later. Cynmart5

Woah Cynmart.... first of all Welcome to GaySpeak. Your question seems to be about how you can confront him with his secret stuff? You thought you'd been honest with each other up until now, and you've just recently found out that he's not all he seems to be? Have you discussed the possibility of him having sex on the side with a man, or is this something new that you've discovered? I don't know how well he would respond (even in the kind of relationship that you describe) to you snooping through his codes and private mail and stuff. I don't know how proud or ashamed you feel about doing so, but it doesn't sound like very healthy grounds to sort the situation out. However, you are feeling that maybe you need to make a reassessment of your relationship. Have you thought how the changes might affect your well-being and that of your very young children? Have you, because of your pregnancy / pregnancies been giving your partner enough of your intimate time? Does it help you to think that he's getting his kicks with other men rather than with another female?
Could you tell us what questions you are dying to ask him face to face, but maybe do not dare to?
Best of luck, in any case, with dealing with this.

I want to ask him if he's bisexual or gay. I want to know if he is satisfied by me or has he been fake. When did he figure out these things he's going through. He says he wants to marry me. is that true. I feel I need to know firstly, has he been with another man. What I dont know is if he can face the facts with me or if he has fears or something too deep to talk to me about the situation. As far as snooping. I do it to see if I can find anything concrete that will let me know if he is being a down low brother or if he is just curious. I have been with him for about 8 years and just last year I stumbled across his adam4adam account. He said he was looking for potential renters for the room for rents. Then I saw all the e mails. He is that good at hiding things.

A lot really depends on what your relationship is like without this unexpected and most unwelcome turn of events. By the sound of it the trust is not as strong as it may once have been and that is perhaps going to be the most difficult thing to get through.

It is possible he may simply be "bi-curious", but for a few of us that is the starting place on a road that leads to an eventual realisation that we are actually gay. That is how it happened for me. Unfortunately, by the time I reached the conclusion that I was not going to grow out of my interest in men I had arrived in middle age and had a wife and a family.

There is a lot of misunderstanding out there about what being gay is all about. Many heterosexual people think it is exclusively about anal sex. That is actually very wide of the mark. It all goes much deeper into our feelings, thoughts and emotions. Any physical act is merely an expression of those deep feelings. He may not have a name for whatever he is feeling and may not even have a vocabulary, let alone be able to face the prospect of talking about it. I don't know whether there are prevailing attitudes against homosexuality in your families, but if there are, it won't have helped. In my case I was brought up a Mormon, where they deny that there is any such creature as a homosexual. They try to tell their faithful that there are only homosexual acts. Under such circumstances we can become experts at self-delusion and spend years trying to kid ourselves that everything's going to be okay, when we haven't a really clue what's waiting for us. When the realisation eventually hits it is an emotional hurricane. It is possible that he is exploring, albeit deceitfully, what is really going on for him because once he finds the words to talk to you about it nothing will ever be the same again. In my own case I felt I needed to be sure what was happening to me, before I created the inevitable chaos that was bound to follow any revelation that I had got myself all wrong and was not the man I always assumed I was. I am not proud of the way I went about that.

Whatever happens you are now where you are and you have a few choices. By the way you have worded your messages you are not going to be satisfied until he spills the beans. I think you already know what he might say if he ever finds the words.

I think you are right to begin to be thinking about what might be your options. It may be that you have to face a different future from the one you expected to have with him. You can't get at the truth from making assumptions about him, so at some point you are going to need to have a discussion. This comes back to the kind of relationship you have outside of this huge distraction. Could you face the prospect of living with a man you can no longer trust? If the trust can be restored could you come to some agreement while he works all this out? Very few women would be able to be so tolerant of a partner doing this I suspect. For a start this means putting your own plans on hold while he decides what he is and what he needs in his life. The road doesn't have to lead to separation, but we are only human and, for most of us, the realisation of incompatible sexualities will lead to the pair of you pulling further apart until one of you decides enough is enough.

Good luck with whatever you do next. Whatever comes out of this is going to be very difficult for a while to come.

I have yet confronted my partner. My fear is that he may not respond well and it can turn ugly. I am not sure. The holidays are here soon and I dont want to mess things up for my kids. I do know that he is planning on getting me a wedding ring and he keeps talking about that. plus he says he has a lot of built up energy and he wants to get a nice jacussi suite so we can relax and do our thing. He has gotten the kids a lot of presents also so I am happy about that. the worry about him doing things has been less and I have been praying about it also. I just pray that if we do get married that it is meant to be through god and that he will honor his vows to me and not continue any wierd stuff. If he is doing any wierd stuff. I have faith I wont go through anything I cant handle.

I understand what you are saying, but if you can find a reason for putting it off now you can find a reason for putting it off other times too. Whatever and whenever you decide, good luck. At least you are worrying less about it all.

I can totally understand what you are feeling. I went trough this but on the other end "his end" .. I was the guy who was hiding all my feelings. I have been hiding this part of me since I was 15 years old, I am not 25 years of age, so almost 10 full years of me hiding this part of me, and the sad thing is I am still hiding it. I am currently in a relationship with a "women" and its been like this for 4 years, I love her to death but then again on the other part of me loves men. I just keep this between me, and myself only. I have told a few people about what is going on but nothing more than a hand full.

I think he is ashamad of who he truly is and what you will think of him? will you love him for who he is? still be with him? leave him? it is hard, and I am sure you have been thinking of those, but what do you really want to do? deep down what do you think, is he gay? or bisexual? does he show you the love you want or does it seem all too good to be true, that's the thing.

I know this doesn't help you but their are plenty of people out their in his situation. I plan on coming out within the month, so it will be a shocker and I will keep you updated with the story, but if you need anyone too talk too I am here, plus I know what he is going through!

Good Luck

Well Samsungroy, you THINK you know what he's going through, but even his partner doesn't know and he hasn't spoken to any of us, so I think it's hard to assume anything about this man.

Cynmart, I think my partner is right however. It could be that your own partner is, in all good faith just looking for a lodger but with what you've told us, I doubt it. It may be that he's bi sexual and needs both the comfort of a future wife and kids (he seems to be wanting to make good to you by marrying you and being the official father of the kids) ... and some manly sex on the side, but I hope that him getting you all these wonderful presents isn't to overcompensate for his inner guilt. Just a thought.

I agree with Marshlander that it would be better to get it out in the air. Why do you think it could turn ugly? Does he resort to violence? It could just be that not having the words to name what it is that he wants, he feels he's got no other choice than to deny and maybe resort to violence. The violence could actually be aimed at himself, but he's maybe not in a mental / psychological position to see that, so maybe he takes it out on someone else?

Maybe your option here is to show a great deal of comprehension, and a great deal of tact, making him understand that he'll still be his children's father whatever happens, and that he'll have a special place in your heart, should he need to part with you to be himself. Otherwise, if he is bisexual, and you can accept that, then maybe you need to set the rules down between you, something by which you both obey the rule that you do sex safely to preserve the other one...

I hope you manage to come to an agreement that is pacific enough not to break anyone's heart and not to end up in hospital.
Good luck. You will probably need to be brave, as you already are by facing this issue.

My partner is not a violent man. in fact he has a sensetive side. I do some silly stuff like lose a hundred dollars and he just rolls with it. He cried like a baby when michael jackson died. I'm sure all he can do is argue and deny anything I say. Once he caught me looking up stuff on how to tell if a man is gay on the internet. He right away got offensive and said. do you think I'm gay? I think he might be worried about if I will leave him. or what I think of him if I find out he is looking at men. Every year for christmas we try to have a good one. This is the first year we actually get everything my son wants on his santa list. I am hoping that it all goes well plus I keep telling him that I have an open mind and I am very understanding. I keep telling him that he can talk to me about anything. When we get the hotel room if things go as planned Im sure I will run that by him again. Maybe grey goose will help loosen things up. I hope he will talk because I just don't know how to bring it on. Until he gets back on the christmas break I will be checking on here. Thanks for your helpful responces and I will hit someone up if I need to talk but for now I have to go.

I can see how he might find calm discussion difficult if he is panicking. On the other hand you too are treading on eggshells. I'm sure we're all relieved that he is not violent. Have you thought how you will field the inevitable? On the one hand you say that you are "open" (what does that mean?), yet you cracked his passwords and snooped around in his private files. I come back to the first point that I made that trust (for both of you) is an issue that is going to need looking at. You are going to need some pretty convincing reasons as to how he can trust you, just as you are of him.

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