am I in the closet?

[asexual]

I am not sure what I am anymore and freaking out.....I hope that somebody here could give me insight on what I am feeling. This is going to be a very long post but please bare with me and help me.

Basically I don't wanna be gay but my mind tells me I'm gay, and never wanted to be gay in the past....but recently I've been getting aroused by men and I don't know anymore...

It's very weird to me because I had never before in my life had the slightest feelings or been sexually toward men. The thought of getting on with a man had never even crossed my mind in all my 23 years of life. But now those thoughts cross my mind and it's driving me nuts because those gay thoughts keep crossing my mind and I don't wanna be gay......

My sexual encounters have not been very good ones....but nevertheless my cock always got hard even though I wasn't attracted to the girls I was having sex with. The girls i've had sex with are mostly grandmas, obese women, and crack heads...I know gross but I have really low self esteem and thought that's all i could get.

As for my porn habits...well I've been addicted to it since I was 14 or so. I started jerking off to pictures of girls in bikinis and the nude girls and then straight porn. As my addiction continued thru the years my taste in porn became more and more weird....I would jerk off to trannies, incest porn, and gangbangs. But I can't get it up to girls anymore....i remember the sight of boobies and tits and vaginas greatly arousing me but they don't anymore....and now i picture myself fucking a guy in the ass and I do get aroused and this scares me because I don't wanna be gay.

As for the emotional...I've always wanted a girl with whom I can share myself completely....the thought of sharing myself completely with a guy and being in love with him has never crossed my mind....I have never had any sexual or romantic thoughts toward my male friends but now I think I am having these thoughts....

when I go out in public I always check out women for some reason....but i picture myself fucking them and nothing...but then i picture myself fucking guys and i get horny.

I'm just really confused.......i feel that if i had gotten emotionally close to a girl in my teenage years and had sex with a girl I found very attractive I wouldn't be having these thoughts....

[Nocturnal]

I've heard this before, and the only solution (in my opinion) is to go at it with a guy. And see if it ends. If it doesn't end then I hope another user can give you some other advice.

Good luck, nonetheless

[asexual]

It's just tough my friend...I remember having such a huge crush on a tall blonde cute little thing...i wanted to have her...hell i even got into drugs for her so that she would pay attention to me.

It just sucks.....I'd rather live with broken dreams than the gay lifestyle...no offense but i just can't picture myself being emotionally connected to a guy on that level....and if i got into a gay relationship i'd probably be depressed because i never got to experience a girlfriend......

[Nocturnal]

Yeah, I understand. That's how I used to be before I came to terms with it in late 8th grade. It's disappointing later in life, yeah, it's easier when you realize it or start coming to terms with it earlier in life.

But as I said, find out if it's just a one-time thought or if you should start living with broken dreams.

[asexual]

Yeah, I understand. That's how I used to be before I came to terms with it in late 8th grade. It's disappointing later in life, yeah, it's easier when you realize it or start coming to terms with it earlier in life.

But as I said, find out if it's just a one-time thought or if you should start living with broken dreams.

did you have crushes on girls? was your orientation ever straight?

[Nocturnal]

I thought my orientation was straight for years. I had crushes on several girls. And I had been in a relationship with a girl a lot after then too. And when I had finally told her the truth she understood and became one of my bestest friends.

[asexual]

I thought my orientation was straight for years. I had crushes on several girls. And I had been in a relationship with a girl a lot after then too. And when I had finally told her the truth she understood and became one of my bestest friends.

I was reading thru your posts and you said you found out in 8th grade? around that time i still thought girls had cooties....i guess i devolped very slowly....

i just feel robbed....like i used to want a gf sooooo bad and worshipped women etc and now this.....i am not sure what to do and the thought of living as a homosexual makes me cry and depressed....

it might seem stupid but i just can't control my emotions...no offense to anyone here it's just that you know.....it's like i've known all my life i was made to be straight...like it's my programming,,,

[James]

asexual, slow down, relax, you maybe straight and your mind is exploring, a high percentage of people when their young have same sex encounters, in some people that exploring comes later in life. Like Nocturnal I was reasonably sure of my desires around 12/13 years old. However there were a few girls that......., so desires, emotions, feelings, do switch at times when you are young, which by the way to me you still are, you won't really be able to say until a few more years down the road. Just know that either way it's not the end of the world. If you prove to be straight drop in GS now and again as we always welcome straight allies, James

[Nocturnal]

James has it spot on as well.

[Marvinteck]

Slow down and breath. Take some time and figure out what you like before you slap a label on yourself. Nobody chooses to be gay so its perfectly normal to feel extremely depressed and not want to be gay. When I first truly realized I liked guys and I came out to my family my exact words were “ I hate myself because Im gay and I want to kill myself”. The first month or two after I came out of the closet were extremely rough and I was very depressed because I wanted to be straight and not gay. Once you adjust to the idea of being gay it really Is not all that bad. Its been three months since I came out and my outlook is 110% better than it was when I first realized I liked guys. Once you accept yourself it gets allot easier as time passes.
Doesnt matter if you are straight or gay, either way the world is not going to end. Good luck on finding yourself. We will be here for you if you need some people to talk too. Take your time because there is no rush. Most importantly stay calm whatever you decide to do.

Here is my coming out story: http://gayspeak.com/coming-out/14390-my-...story.html