getting this off my chest

[samsungroy]

Ah, this is going to be a little long but I definitely needed to get this off of my chest! Okay, I literally just got home from the LONGEST car ride of my life, and the most BORING ride in itself! It gave me time to think, and think is what I did. Lately life has been so confusing and instead of keeping it in, I just needed to write down what is going on, either here or just on word, and I chose here.

It all started when I was around 15 years old "9th grade", I started watching straight porn and was really turned on by it, a few months in, I started noticing a difference, I was starting to check out the guy a little more than the girl, but still was getting off to the girl. I thought it was just a little weird and dismissed it all together. Around 16, I got a dildo as a gag gift from my hockey team, I tossed it under my bed and never thought of it until one evening. I was watching this one porno, and it was a girl using a strap-on, on a guy. I was wondering what it felt, so I grabbed a condom, tossed it on the dildo and ended up using it, UHM it hurt ha, but it felt good at the same time and I cummed like there was no other. Still, I felt nothing and dismissed all my feelings. I did this for a while!

I started having sex with girls when I was end of 15 just turning 16, I had sex with around 5-7 by 17 and when I hit 18 my count jumped up until almost 20. I ended up getting a serious girlfriend, who I feel in love with, we dated for almost 1 and a half years. Sex was great, our chemistry was great, but for some reason I would still watch straight porn which is normal but then I started watching gay porn, I would definitely enjoy it, I mean I could watch it from start to finish but at the same time, it was turning me on but I was so CONFUSED.

We ended up going our separate ways, then I went back to being a pimp, ha! I just was having sex with anyone I know. I hit 20 years of age and I felt like I hit rock bottom. I started watching gay porn more often, I started research information about being gay, coming out, coming to terms with it, I was really confused at this point in life. I had no idea if I was straight, bisexual, gay ... I wasn't looking for a title/label but more or less sanity. I actually just said fuck it and emailed one of my close "girl" friends and said blah blah blah and all my feelings that I was "gay", she was shocked but loved me for me and it went well, a few weeks later I emailed her back saying that, whoever sent you that email was NOT me and I apologize for it and she was like oh it's alright, I figured it wasn't you ... we no longer talk, not because of that but more or less the fact I feel ashamed for what I have done.

and still till this day I do not know if I am gay/straight/bisexual .. I have never been with a man, but plenty of women "which I KNOW does not mean a thing" .. it's weird, I enjoy saying babe/hun/cutie/sexy, but it feels weird at the same time, it's annoying. I play a college sport, so it isn't like I can come out, it would KILL me! I love looking at cute clothes, shoes, underwear, I like looking at hot men on the internet, pictures, videos, talking ... but then I am like WTF this isn't me .. it is like it is eating me alive and it's so hard ... I currently am in a relationship, which is hard to deal with especially this whole situation/issue.

I recently met a guy on craigslist from my hometown, sounds sketchy I know, but I was in dyer need to talk to someone, he's a black male, 25 years of age and is SUPER nice/cute! I get along with him well, I feel so dirty talking to him though .. oh by the way I am white, not that it matters ... we are talking and taking it slow, I feel like I want to just jump on him and kiss him, but then at the same time I am like NO that can not happen. I do not feel like cheating, I love this girl ... I am at a LOSS!

Ah, I apologize for this being SO long, but I just needed to get this off of my CHEST! It felt SO good!

Thanks to all who read/respond, I truly do appreciate it. Take care EVERYONE! mile:

[marshlander]

I suppose life is always a <cliché>journey</cliché>.

Have fun figuring it all out.

[Mr. Not So Lonely]

Glad you where able to get that off your chest now

COME OUT COME OUT you never know until you try from what you have said you are probably Bi

and that's OK

[Nocturnal]

No matter what you decide to do, you always have us to turn to!

[Alitta88]

I'm glad you're feeling better, it's OK we all get super confused at some point in our lives , discovering ourselves and coming to terms with who we are in the most difficult thing anyone may experience . Don't ever be afraid or ashamed of who you are , it you ever find out that you're more comfortable in relationship with a man rather than a woman, follow your heart .mile:

[Ultra]

That's quite an interesting story. Like Mr. Not So Lonely said, you're probably bi. It seems like you are to me. Based on what I've read, totally and 100% bi. Technically I am bi myself, however I've been a lot more comfortable labeling myself gay. I've been labeling myself gay for a little over 2 years now.