I am very confused and do not have anyone to talk to.

[Nate7900]

I've never really posted on forums before but living in a small town in Texas people are more liberal to the idea of a man having relations with a farm animal than another man...

I very scared of these feelings I'm having. To me sexual orientation is not a matter of gay or straight but a matter of attraction. It seems that everyone wants to be polarized, only accepting the ideals of themselves and the people that surround them. The Issue is that now I think I may be gay.

I've never had a sexual/romantic relationship with another man and because I am 18 and just realizing this I feel like this is coming late in life, I feel I would have noticed something sooner. I recently was introduced to a "friend of a friend" who's brother happens to be gay. Not only is he gay but his partner lives in the house with them. This really showed me how a gay couple can be something more than just sex. They had such a loving and compassionate relationship, there was a real connection and I found myself very jealous of that.

There are really two problems I have with really being honest with these feelings or dismissing them. The first is, I have never had any real sexual attraction to men. Growing up where I did I was always expected to like girls. I find myself becoming less attracted to women though, and I've never watched gay porn just because as a straight man I had no need but now in this time of crisis I'm afraid to (I've been shaking the whole time I've been writing this.) My second issue is that I think I might just be afraid of a relationship with a woman and I'm subconsciously trying to find an alternative. The about last year the girl I was dating got pregnant. I desperately wanted to raise my child despite being so young, unfortunately she decided to get an abortion. This took a very heavy toll on me.

After a lot of consideration I think I owe it to myself to explore these feelings. I would really some support with this as well as maybe meeting some people I can connect with on this issue, and if I do finally realize that I'm gay then maybe this is where I will find other people to make me feel well.... normal! I've felt like different my whole life but if I come out it would alienate me completely from a lot of people. I could use friends who would be there despite my sexual orientation.

[XRIMO]

You need to come to terms with your own attractions. Gay and straight are much more complicated than everyone seems to think. I can understand your nervousness, because I had accepted my homosexuality a long time ago, but when I joined this forum, I was shaking and scared that I was entering a world I knew nothing about. However, I found that I'm not alone, that everyone is different and things are not so cut and dry, like sexuality.

If the idea of being with a man SEEMS appealing, then you are curious, if the idea of being with a man IS appealing, then you might be on the not-so-straight path. But your attractions are yours and you are the only one who can decide what will make you happy.

EDIT: You can talk to any of us here if you need help, so please do.

[fredv3b]

Hi,

First it's OK. Relax.

Second, reading your post two thoughts come to mind.

They had such a loving and compassionate relationship, there was a real connection and I found myself very jealous of that.

That does not mean you are gay, if it means anything it means you are lonely.

I have never had any real sexual attraction to men.

Not ever or just not until now?

[Nate7900]

Well until now I should have been more clear.
Also when I mentioned I was jealous of that couple I was trying to clarify that I didn't realize how a gay couple could be conventional. Just two people loving each other isn't something I thought I'd see. I suppose I've always had this negative image of homosexuality and when I saw it just changed my whole perception.

I also realize I sound very stressed but this isn't easy for me in the least bit and I know that the people I love would have a very difficult time adjusting to it. I think more than anything else I'm just looking for someone to just tell me that it's not really the curse that I've always been told it is.

I apologize if this post doesn't really belong here I'm just uninformed and don't really know where to go with these questions.

[maxicosi]

dude its not a curse! =) i know your freakin out but just relax, no one is going to find out unless YOU want them to, this is YOUR business no one elses, you have all the time in the world to explore what you want when you want, when i realised i was gay i spent days pondering it and then slowly exploring it before i was at the point i wanted to be with another guy in a relationship. Your in america and you might not live in the most liberal area from what ive heard but its very very true that thousands of gay people have totally 100 per cent normal relationships no different from a straight one, im one of them. Me and my partner lived together, had fights, hanged out with straight friends, went on dates, i go shopping for him if he needed something and even mentioned to the store assistant i need something for my bf they dont batter an eyelid its like normal for me. Im very lucky in that ive never ever seen homophobic behaviour as an adult infact if someone did that here they would be arrested and they would be public enemy number 1. I dont live in a gay area theres only one gay club here too but not everyone is narrow minded in the world. So i guess im trying to prove to you that there really is no difference in some gay relationships to straight ones other than whats between your legs.

[marshlander]

Nate, you sound very "normal" to me (whatever "normal" is supposed to mean!). You've also realised a fact that some people in the straight world aren't really keen for you to find out - i.e. that a loving couple is a loving couple, whatever sex they happen to be.

Please keep writing here. If nothing else it's quite a good way for you to try and work out what you are thinking. It will all work out fine one way or another given time.

Good luck.

[fredv3b]

I think more than anything else I'm just looking for someone to just tell me that it's not really the curse that I've always been told it is.

Being gay really isn't the curse you have always been told it is.

Just as an illustration from my own life, this morning I woke up next to my boyfriend, after, erm, enjoying each other, we got up and had breakfast. Today we've done the grocery shopping and dealt with a number of financial and household tasks, and now we have just eaten a curry together that he cooked.

My point is that, that couple are not rare counterexample to the general rule. Two guys, loving each other, living together and, generally speaking, being happy together is perfectly normal.

Also if you need someone to speak to and confide in, in real-life rather than on the Internet, I dare say that one or other of that couple would be happy to speak to you.

[Nate7900]

Thank you everyone for showing support and giving advice. I do appreciate it. I'm sure I'll be on here quite a bit while I get a handle on everything. I love to see such good people giving back.

[Dville118]

Well, I'm not sure how much of a hand I can give in advice, but here goes..

first, I understand how you feel about this being "late in life" but.. really at your age it's not all that bad. You may not realize it but 18 is still very young in the grand scheme of things.

I didn't realized all of this until I was 28. I'm sure at your age you have a lot going on in your life and I understand as well the social pressures of a small southern town. I was raised in one, and of sorts.. live in one now.. though, the city nearby can help with that somewhat.

I also understand what you mean ideals, gay or straight.. what I think you mean is that you feel constrained by labels and I completely agree. I felt this way for a time as well.

The truth is "gay" "straight" "bi" are exactly that.. they're labels.. they are stereotyped to guys that walk around limp wristed, or guys who crush beer cans on their foreheads and yell FOOTBAALLL and do other such things.. the truth is life isn't black and white.. it isn't easily labeled and labels themselves have little bearing on who we are as a person.

When you "fit" a label to yourself, what you have to remember is that you are NOT confining yourself. Because you apply the label of "gay" doesn't mean that you need to go out in your yard and start waving a rainbow flag, going to pride parades or suddenly becoming interested in fashion. you are who you are and that isn't going to change because of any label. You were you before you realized this about yourself, and you will continue to be you after. There won't be any "change" like you may be expecting. This is, of course, coming from my own feelings on the subject. So, yours may be different.

I think meeting other gay people and seeing how they live is a good part of learning to accept and to "come out to yourself." It will help dispell a lot of negative stereotypes that you've probably been faced with your entire life living in small towns. Anyone that has been flamboyantly gay you may have seen in public in the past and people have made comments etc.. I've been there believe me.. and there was a time when to fit in I would be right along with those comments (what a horrible thing.. but it is reality..) but the truth is for every person that's out and about like that.. there's many many more that you DONT see.

Out of all my gay friends, I'd say I can only think of 1 or 2 that "act gay." So.. don't be concerned there.

Reading on in your post sort of makes me smile. Not because its funny or anything like that.. but because this is EXACTLY how I've felt and still occasionally feel. do you know when a female is attractive? Well yes of course you do.. would you be "able to perform" with one? well.. yes of course.. do you WANT to? Well.. therein comes the dilemma.. no, chances are you don't want to... and your conscious mind is trying to make excuses.. WHY don't you want to? Is it anxiety? Is it phobia? The truth is.. you shouldn't worry about the WHY in this case. You should accept it as it is. Because trying to figure it out will have you yelling at yourself in the mirror and driving you a little mad.. believe me I've been there.

what you're experiencing I think is a normal anxiety that comes from all of this.. a sudden sense of panic that you are not who you thought you were and that's understandable. What I would advise you to do is calm down, don't panic and most importantly don't rush. You have time to adjust to this.. you're not "out" to anyone, and at your age things are going to get easier for you as you become more independent and you break free of the control and confines of your parents teachings and the small town atmosphere that you're in now.

I'm not suggesting you rush off to sanfran.. so please don't misundertand.

In short, since I tend to ramble, I'll leave it at this..

stay calm, don't panic, don't make any rash decisions based on this realization, don't over analyze your feelings or be afraid of labels.. just.. be.. yourself..

I hope this has been helpful.. I've never given any advice on this sort of thing before, but from recounting my own thoughts and feelings, some of which are still with me a year later.. I understand what you're going through.