Really confused

[soulsearcher]

I need some help :frown:

I'm a 21 year old guy that has been living a straight life, my entire life. I'm also an alcoholic and drug addict in recovery. My emotions are really confusing me right now. I've always known I was somewhat attracted to men. I lived out my fantasies in my head and messed around with a guy in high school. Once I got sober and looked back on my life, my first relationship was with a guy. We would talk on the phone every day for hours at a time. If we ever got into a fight we wouldn't talk for 30 minutes then we would call each other and apologize. We would also let each other explore our sexuality on one another. I was never in a place where I could admit to myself that it was an actual relationship. We didn't have titles and we didn't acknowledge our emotional connection. It was like, stick to the sexual aspect and everything would be okay.

I am still sexually attracted to women but when I look back at all my relationships with them (sexual, or emotional) there was always something not right. I either got my sexual needs fulfilled and emotional needs neglected or vice-versa. I could never sync them up together with a woman. When I picture a long term relationship, I see myself with a man. But for some reason, there's a part of me that won't give up the straight lifestyle. Maybe it's just because I've been doing it for so many years, and this is just new? I've come out to several close friends and part of my family but the confusion that's in my head makes me regret it sometimes. I've always been a people pleaser so I just try to keep everyone happy, no matter what it does to me. So I never let myself openly explore a relationship with a man. I just got drunk and slept with women, because that's what society told me to do.

I just need to know if I'm not alone in this confusion. It really puts me in a bad place mentally

[princealbertofb]

Well, Soulsearcher, to GaySpeak... and I daresay you are certainly not alone in this confusion and confusing world... Society keeps telling us, maybe 95 to 99% of the time that this world is for straight people, so how could you not be messed up in your head? Now that you are gradually coming out of the stupor of drunkenness and drug addiction, maybe you are getting a clearer picture.

What is it exactly that you need to know about being gay? You've already, it seems, decided that that is what you truly are, even if you can function adequately with a woman.

I was once in your shoes, (not the drunkenness and drug addiction, but the relationship with a woman which worked pretty well, even maybe better than yours did) but I always knew at the back of my mind that a relationship with a man was what I ultimately wanted. Now that I have one, I realise that it corresponds to my emotional and sexual needs completely.

I'm guessing you should embark now on some more exploring but without the trappings of alcohol and drugs... and learn, gradually to be comfortable with yourself.

[simon]

give yourself a break mate,you are only 21! you could be going though what some "bi" guys do,finding it easier to not be fully gay just yet,don't give yourelf a title just yet,before you start coming out any more,you may need to get your on head around it first.

[Triangle1]

Doesn't sound like confusion to me. Sounds like you know exactly what you need. :-)

[marshlander]

Working out one's sexuality can be very confusing. Congratulations on facing up to it at your age. I was nearly double that when I started to work it all out. I envy those who just know very early on. However, had I known at a young age I would not experienced the life I have. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose.

Welcome and good luck.

[Evilbunnie]

[COLOR="Magenta"]I can't say that I understand your confusion first hand, but I definitely understand how you feel conflicted. Perhaps you should seek some prefessional help and really do some soul searching. Being a people pleaser, I imagine this is gonna be a little hard for ya, but when it all comes down to it this is your life, regardless of how your friends or family or anyone else feels. This is one of those situations where you are going to have to be selfish and self-centered and fuck what the rest of the world thinks. You owe it to yourself to figure out exactly what it is that you want and need and then go after it... especially since it gives you a better sense of who you are, which is tied to how happy you'll be in the future. Chances are that if you don't take the time to figure it out you're gonna wake up one day and realise that you missed out on a lot of happiness.

Anyone who really cares about you will be happy for you when you finally find some peace and clarity in your life.[/COLOR]

[princealbertofb]

Well said, Evilbunnie... :biggrin:

[Beaux]

I feel ya dude. I can have sex with women, I was married for 6 years and had a genuine emotional connection with my wife. However I prefer the company of men. Period. Its rough when you have to reconcile those things but give it time and be true to YOU and it will work out.
A lot of alcohol and drug use stems from self hatred, it is a form of micro-suicide. Untill you can get to a point where your able to like yourself for who you are, you are going to be temped to reach for the oblivion substances can offer.
We have been told that we are wrong, freaks, abnormal. It is a LIE. We ARE normal. History proves that we have existed for as long as man has existed.
Find you dude. And when you do, love you.

[soulsearcher]

Thanks for the support, guys. Hopefully this is a community I can really latch on to and come to in time of need. I really appreciate it mile:

[fredv3b]

But for some reason, there's a part of me that won't give up the straight lifestyle.

I'm curious, what do you mean by the 'straight lifestyle'? Apart from living with a guy not a girl, I am not aware of any lifestyle differences between me and my straight male friends.