Some of you guys know my story and thanks for all the great advice. Well on Sunday night my ex showed up at my place. This was around midnight and he was pretty wasted. I had just come back from a concert and this was a huge surprise. I let him in since he lives 80 miles away and didn't want him driving drunk.
Well he pretty much broke down. Said he was sorry, that he's confused (he was with me and then left me for a girl whom he lives with now), the same ole bs. My guess is things aint going too well with his fling so he's looking for a way out. He was crying a lot and not too sound like a cruel person but it didn't phase me. I mean how can a person change in two months, our bu was 2 months ago. I've forgiven him for what he did, but I can't forget the way he treated me. Him pouring his heart out lasted till about 3am. I gave him the couch and went to bed. In the morning before I left for work he made me coffee and said he wanted to talk later on this week. As I was leaving he tried to hug and kiss me, but my natural reaction was to push him away. It just didn't feel right.
Today I wrote him an email saying that what he did that night was in appropriate since he has a gf and he shouldn't be doing those things. He wanted me out of his life and I am. I'm moving on as well as he should. I also said that to please respect my wishes and not to contact me again. I didn't mention anything about getting back together or being friends. Two things that aren't going to happen. Maybe a year or two down the line I might hang out with him but he needs to change a lot in order for that too happen.
Did I do the right thing? Should've I just gotten him a hotel room at the motel 6 for him and dropped him off there. In all honesty I feel sorry and pity him. I know he's going through a lot right now. Especially in coming to terms with his sexuality. But something tells me he wants to have a gf and a gay fling on the side whenever he feels like it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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I would've done the same thing, only maybe I would have taken his car keys and made him sleep on the porch or something... yeah, I'm a bitch. I mean, [COLOR="red"]maybe I'm thinking too hard, but it pretty much sounds like your ex came to your place while you were out and got plastered knowing that if he was, you wouldn't turn him away to die in an accident on the road, and while he was there he could go one about how he wants you back and maybe even get some "For old times sake/ have pity on the poor messy ex" sex. Better that you cut ties and move on before he gets more pathetic. [/COLOR]
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Sounds as if things aren't going too well with the girl he is now with. You did the right thing imo, and your obviously working through your own feelings and getting over things which is a good. He may be going through a rough patch now but he was the one that dumped you so he lost the privilege to use you as an emotional crutch in my book.
You do right. Focus on your needs and what's best for you which it sounds like you are, don't let him mess with your head anymore.
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Beaux. Love your reply man. I almost choked on my morning cup of coffee as I was reading it. Yeah he made his bed and has to sleep on it.
Evil. Yeah I think you summed it up pretty much. Thing is I'm not attracted to him sexually any more. The whole cheating and lies pretty much ruined him for me. I couldn't let him sleep on the porch since I don't have one and it gets pretty cold at night here. He planned this whole thing out IMO.
Book. Yeah he is going through a rough patch. Like my friend said everything is hitting him right now. The whole bu, the coming to terms with his sexuality. Or maybe he just wants a quick fix then hop back in the sack with his gf. I don't know and really don't care.
He got a hold of me this morning calling from a different number. He went through the whole script again, 'i'm sorry. I'm sorry I really hurt you. You're the love of my life, yada yada yada.' It did affect me, but didn't phase me. He was crying a lot. I told him that people make mistakes and you have to live with the consequences of those mistakes. If he left me cuz he got cold feet and we were getting too serious I would understand. But cheating and lies are two things I can't tolerate. Mainly the former, the latter is still bad but not like cheating. He's an adult and knew what he was doing. I also asked him if he's still living with his gf. Yes, he is. Well he's doing to her what he did to me so what prevents him from doing that to me a few months down the line. He didn't have a reply to that.
It ended with me telling him to work on himself, learn what he wants and maybe a few months or year down the line we might be able to meet up and talk. I told him that I still have some feelings for him, but that getting back together was completely out of the question and even being friends is not healthy for me right now. I told him that I'm not gonna put my heart out on the line again for him (I've had a complex compound fracture of my right arm and the pain was nothing compared to what I felt when he cheated on me). I also said that if he's not happy(if he was why is he trying to get a hold of me) with his gf he should tell her and not hurt her like he hurt me. That would go a long way in my views. I emphasized that he shouldn't contact me again, especially if he is living with his gf. Just makes me feel dirty. I hope he gets his act together.
Hopefully he'll work on himself and not contact me again, but I doubt that. I just hope he doesnt do anything stupid to get a hold of my attention. Some of my friends say I should give him a second chance. I don't know what they are thinking. Others say I should be a total a@@h&le to him but I cant. I'm going no contact again after this last call. I'm really surprised with myself that I was able to be this strong around him that one night and not have sex with him. I was a bit drunk too.
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Thanks East and Evil. I'm being honest when I say that I still have feelings for him, but I'm too scared to put my heart out on the line again with him. This past x-mas and new years were horrible, he dumped me 4 days before x-mas and I really cant forget how awefull those weeks were. I've never cried like I did those first weeks. I mean anything would make me break down. I cried myself to sleep so many nights. So all those thoughts and feelings keep coming back.
It just cant go back to the way things were. He's gonna need time to figure himself out and I don't want to be the emotional crutch to help him through it. Plus like it or not he's been in a relationship with this girl so he's gonna need time to digest everything that's happened in his life.
I gave him a call and we spoke for about 2 hours. I told him that he really needs to figure himself out and if he doesn't want to be with this girl he should break up with her. He cant be doing this to her, it's just not right. I also was very clear that he cannot contact me while he is with his gf. It's just not right. He wanted to know if we had a future together, I said that I didn't know. I'm working on myself and he needs to do the same thing. He broke down again. He wanted to come over for the night, even if it meant sleeping on the couch. I said no. He said he found a picture of us when we went camping and he keeps it in his wallet and looks at it daily. That made me break down a bit. Once again he said he freaked out and made a huge mistake and cant believe he hurt me like he did. Then again he's hurting this girl isnt he? I said that maybe a few months down the line, when he's not seeing anyone nor am I, that maybe we can meet up and chat. Something very informal. But he needs to move on and has to accept the fact that our old relationship is dead.
I'm not playing games with him. I just need time apart to really heal. Ive healed a lot the last two months and dont want to regress. Like I said I can take physical pain, it's the emotional one that I cant stand. As to my heart or brain. I don't know which one to follow. Part of me thinks he knows he messed up yet my brain tells me people dont change in two months. I think the honeymoon phases as worn out and reality is starting to hit him like a ton of bricks.
After this last call I'm going NC with him, but what he's done is affecting me. I really don't know what to think, but just keep moving on and concentrate on myself. I'm confused as hell too.
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Just got off the phone with my friend. I can't let him back in my life. What he did these last couple of days opened up the past and some wounds, but I just can't go back. I've forgiven him for what he's done but just cant forget. I would be always be looking over my back and thinking about who he's talking to and that's not a friendship let alone a relationship. He made his choice to go live with this girl and now he's cheating on her (not sexual but still). Yeah it's hard because I still have feeling for him and yeah I want him back but I would just be opening up myself for a world of hurt. I've already blocked his number since he got my new phone number and will not contact him again. Deep down inside I feel this is the right choice to make. It's tough since he dangled what I wanted in front of me and said the right things, but I just wont take the risk again. Thanks again guys.
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mile: Wow... it sounds like he really wants you back though... really bad, so he probably is going to try to do something drastic and stupid ([COLOR="Red"]not that showing up at your place drunk and calling you from numbers you don't know isn't already overboard