New to this and I need help!

[swim73088]

Basically I am a 19 year old male living in central london. all of my mates (at least that i know of) are straight but recently i have been wondering about one of them and i would really appreciate it if someone could give me their opinion.

they don't know i am gay and I don't make it obvious either. i hide it easily by pointing out a fit girl on the street or pulling a girl in a club. i have been asked a few times because i am chronically single (and have denied it).

this guy is a close mate of mine and one night i went out to the pub with him and essentially fell for him. he has had a girlfriend for three years who he says he loves very much he is also very experienced sexually (so he says) i.e. got head at 12 and lost his virginity at 14.

he played rugby until about 16-17 and is a bit of a lad at heart so i don't know if the things he does are because of the stereotypical homoerotic things rugby guys do or if it is because he really does mean them.

there have been several incidents that caused me to question whether or not he is actually straight. the night we went to the pub i was sitting on my bed with my legs crossed and he looked at me and then laid down and put his head on my lap. i started touching his head (not in a sexual way) and he quickly lifted his head up. he wasn't angry or anything just a bit surprised i think.

another time we were speaking in the hallway about drug use and he asked what "e" felt like. i told him it makes you love and feel attracted to everyone you meet and then he looked at me and asked if i was ever attracted to him. i told him i didn't know.

then about a week ago we were both drunk at a club and he sat very close next to me and we started talking. we got into quite a deep conversation and after about 10 mins i realized that our heads were about an inch from one another. i had an overwhelming urge to put my hand on his thigh and kiss him though i stopped myself and thought about how dangerous that would be. then one of our mates told us we looked like a couple and another one came over and butted into our conversation and i got very angry though i know i shouldn't have. i see him about every two days and sometimes when he is drunk he looks at me in such a suggestive way it is making me go crazy. some of our other mates have even commented on how much time we have been spending together and on how close we are getting. i told them, while drunk, that i though he could be gay and some of them partially agreed with me.

we go out together and get drunk quite a bit now and i am worried that i am going to say or do something stupid and i don't want to lose him as a mate. should i tell him how i feel because the crush is growing and i know i am eventually going to say or do something that makes it obvious i fancy him.

i am going crazy! can someone suggest something? thanks

[spotysocks]

Hey man welcome to the forum!

It's sometimes hard to tell wether someone is totally straight or otherwise . On the other hand i dont think it really matters; if you like each other have a connection gay bi straight doesnt matter, you just get it on because it feels right. What happens afterwards is another matter.

You know sometimes times some people when fancy someone but hide it are bit shy around them keep a distance but when they dont fancy someone they are more confident and go with the flow. If you are like that you could try be more confident when you are around him and when the opportunity raises (i.e when you were drunk and you thought he was gay ect) start with something casual lad-ish ...a kiss a hug rugby players do that anyway and see where it leads you.

Another option is to take whatever risk is involved and go out to him when you are ready. Probably the most straight forward option you got.

And just to add something , i didnt like the fact you said to common friends you think he might be gay. It was like exposing him in a way out of your own perhaps insecurities. Well...dont do that at least when you are sober!

[swim73088]

cheers mate! its just frustrating cause i really like this guy and i wish there was an easy way to confront him about it. hopefully it will all work out in the end

[portugal_the_man]

I hope it works out for you too. I know that it is a gutting experience to invest emotionally in someone and then have them pull the rug out from under you.

The hard part is trying to pose a question or situation that would definitely let you know whether or not he was gay, and at the same time not endanger your friendship if it turned out that he wasn't gay.

Good Luck in any event!

[Shadow]

You're absolutely right, it is a difficult situation in which to find yourself, and one that I can relate to from past experience.

If you're right and he's gay, then it does look like he's interested in you, yep - however if he's not gay, which is obviously a possibility that you should prepare yourself for, then you do run the risk of losing everything if you play your hand too forcefully, or just plain wrong.

If you make a move and he's not interested, then it's possible that he'll be really quite put out, and that would leave you with a problem.

I advocate patience. Bide your time - watch for signs - bear in mind he does have a g/f, so he must know that if he IS gay, he's going to have to be pretty clear about it for you to make a move ... additionally, unless I've missed something, he doesn't have a clue that you're gay ... so there is considerable scope for you both to manoeuvre.

Watch the drinking - as you've already observed many a time, it makes you less discrete, and therefore more prone to making costly slip-ups.

Be patient, and watch him - whilst his gestures thusfar have been warm and friendly, they have not been sexual in nature - just the type of thing a very close and comfortable friend would do.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[swim73088]

cheers! its just so frusturating because i am not ready to properly go out and seek out a relationship, however, if he happens to be gay i would gladly like to take it to the next level because we are such good mates already.

i wish i just knew already and didn't have to sit here wondering. it is beginning to annoy me seeing all my mates going out and establishing relationships and here i am the cronically single one that everyone asks questions about haha.

i saw him with his girlfriend this weekend and it just felt so awkward. she was a lovely girl but barely said a word the whole time and he acted like a completely different person though he claims to love her very much...its just such a strange situation and i felt like we couldn't say/behave the way we usually do just because she was there. Surely if they have been dating for three years she should know what his personality is like by now and he shouldn't have to hide it!

[Shadow]

Perhaps he's coming to grips with how you make him feel ?

Bear in mind that most people you'll encounter are different when they're with different people - my best mate is VERY very different when he's with me and his girlfriend than he is when he's just with me, and I'm sure that he's different again when he's just with his girlfriend.

Straight boys can be odd sometimes bless 'em, but they generally mean well.

I know it's hard to be patient, but sometimes it really is the best way to be ... unless of course you're willing to either take a bold (and potentially very unwise) step and press him, or cut him off because you can't keep going down this path (both of which are totally understandable choices in the circumstances).

babe x

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[swim73088]

thats is true...i think time is the all i really need here but i am so lonely in the sense that i wish someone would return the feelings i have for them. i was so hopeful that he would be the one and i still haven't given up hope. we shall see...

[Michael]

Hey Swim...

Welcome to the wonderfull world of confusion! So many possibilites here. At 19 you are just starting to learn about relationships and reading people and comming to grips with your own sexuality and where it all stands with another person......all while trying to stay in the closet and protect yourself.

I'm afraid this is heading for one of lifes big lessons, whether it turns out for the best or leaves you with heartache and a big outing is yet to be seen. So far everyone here has been spot on with their opinions. Because unfortunately at both your ages it could be any number of things going on here.

He could be straight but very sensitive and happy to have a friend who he can be open and close with, at least when drunk. He could be just a little bi-curious without even knowing it and you just manage to get under his defenses a little, (Believe me, this happens quite a bit and you'll probably have several straight friends over the years who fall into this catagory)but will never go as far as sex or even further to a relationship. Or he could be gay (whether he know's it yet or not) and is slowly starting to see you in a different light.

I'm guessing that because of being who he is, the whole rugby thing, and your friends all being a bit lad-ish, pressing him on this or making any big move is just going to scare him off, regardless of what he really feels, and leave you standing their holding the big homo bag. So prepare yourself for that if it happens. Because besides a lot of wishfull thinking and loneliness on your part, that is probably the most likely end to this.

That said, you might be right, he might be gay as well and using his girlfriend like you use those girls you hook up with. Fidning out if someone likes you means puting yourself out on the line and facing rejection if it comes. Gay or straight it's the same. The only difference is that we have to "come out" to do it and really lay things on the line.

It's up to you to decide if you are ready to do this. Or as Shadow mentioned, watch the alcohol because it just might take the decision away from you. In the end there are four ways this can go.

1. He can say "great I'm gay to". 2. He can say "Dude, I'm straight, but it's cool we can still be friends". 3. "Big Homo! Keep away from me!" 4. You can hook up but he'll pretend afterwards it never happend and den it to everyone...including you.

However it goes down, YOU will have outed yourself so you better decide if you are ready to do that and what (if anything) it will mean for you and your friends and family. At 19 it's about time but that's your decision to make. But until you do you will constantly be in this situation and, sorry, only around straight men you are hoping will be gay for you.

Good luck. I hope it works out how oyu want it to.

[swim73088]

well...the 4'th option has almost happened so many times its getting a bit absurd to be honest