Dont ever get as low as ive got...

[zeon]

Hi All,
I havent been on for a little while since the site came up because I have been recovering from a breakdown... I thought about doing it annoymously but if i do that i figured id be hiding the fact i like alot of other people can and is not ashamed to admit ive had a breakdown....

The day the site went down my ex bf who i live with and we both hoping to get back together goes out into town with me to meet collegues in Rbar in town.. Whilst out he decided to stay out with a collegue when it was home time and met up with a guy who he then had a fling with... This guy bought him champange, flowers, alcohol, anything he wanted he got him and then my ex introduced him to me and i took an instant dislike because he was off his face on cocanie and driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol... Well when me and my ex split it was due to our previous home being repossessed so it wasnt a case of falling out of love as we do both still love each other but agreed anything happens then we dont broadcast it infront of each other but he spent several nights out with this guy and all they kept doing was eating each others faces..
Well one day i got really upset about this and after a chat as his bit had gone to london i was like yeah that sounds cool ill be fine as he explained to me that they arent an item... Well yesterday i ended up having a breakdown which id not experienced since i was 18... lt all started to be honest four days ago... Id just gone onto lunch at work after a really shit start to my working week and someone within my work force made a remark at me which i wasnt in the mood to hear as id been under stress of watching my ex snog this new guy infront of me... Well i ended up going on street without my radio as someone had put it on charge by mistake and it wasnt me as i never bother charging it... I got a bollocking for going out despite it being first time in my six years service.. The next day my ex had his hair cut by his bit on the side and I dyed it purple but it blended in naturally... His bit on the side over rode my dying and turned it electric fucking blue...
Well my ex was sent home from work and told to shave it off or dye it back to natural colours and if he doesnt return to work he will not be able to work BH days.. Well he hadnt told me he couldnt work BH days so yesterday I turned up after dropping him off and he phoned to say he isnt allowed to work and when my boss told me if i go ill loose all BH til next april i just said shove them up ur arse this is more important.. Well yesterday after i got him my nan was feeling low about the state of her house as she is disabled so i went to clean it for her as a suprise and afterwards i was forced into going to the manky skanky bulldog in town.. Notorious danger gay bar.. I only drink soft drinks when i go out drinking and i was talked into going to this pub by my ex despite not weanting to... About 4pm i wanted to go home and felt really light headed as id gone for cigarettes.. Now i aint bloody stupid my sight was slightly dis-orientated and as a result i sat on a wall for half hour to gather my thoughts and figure out whats wrong with myself as i didnt feel right...
I soon made it to the car and the moment passed so i drove hom and my ex kicked off screaming at me because id said we were going home... At 6pm and 2 hours of being shouted at i told him fine we will fuck off into town... We will go to the fucking pub so you can stop being a bastard prick to me... I eventually screamed at him and said look i am stressed out enough have been for over a week now and i am close infact very close to breaking down...
Well ended up back in bulldog and this bloke who was wearing a stripey top kept eyeing my ex up and my ex told me he didnt want to be eyed up so i told him to ignore it... After 20 minutes my ex decided to go to the toilet and this guy followed him... I left it 2 minutes to cool myself down as i was getting very angry at this point and then i thought fuck it went downstairs and straight into the toilets where i caught em both at it.. I waited outside for 15 minutes to show my ex i know exactly what his doing and all this shit about how much he loves me is utter bollocks!!!!! l ended up seeing them both come out and then they went upstairs... As i got my drink upon returning my ex grabbed this guy and snogged right infront of me having a grope... I swigged back my drink and went to the zone bar... I ordered my lime and soda and sat playing angry birds on my mobile whilst feeling close to tears because of all false pretences id beleived from my ex..
About 10 minutes after i arrived they both came in and sat next to me snogging yet again so i drank half my drink and got into my car op the bar... I ended up driving home trying to hold it together and calmed down but it failed and i ended up self harming... Punishing myself ... I saw in him last night what i saw in scotland where my ex slept with my mate and then kicked me out for him.. l eventually managed to stop myself and sat there and burst into tears.... l was devistated at what id done at what id beleived and at how many people id said no to because i wanted to be with the one guy i truely love... l thought fuck it he aint winning so i went back out from home into brighton got into the zone and no sign... l wore my dark coat to cover blood stains on the interior of my coat... I called him 32 times to find out where he was as he had work this morning and he said upper rock gardens B N B called cowards... I said how appropriate your seen for what you are as your fucking some stranger in a BNB named after you.... COWARD!
He then hung up... At 00.23 he called asking me to collect him and i said fine ill be there shortley so i drove at 60 MPH in any restricted limit street only stopping at one traffic light (how i wasnt caught i dont know). l turned up and called his name and heard him reply... "what?"... I clocked him and he was in a room with six other guys taking turns in having sex so that was it i was tired exhausted and hurting both emotionally and physuically.. So out of pure rage i shouted in the street.... No Fucking Wonder you got yourself raped.... Your in there with six faggots aving the time of your fucking life... You never have given a shit about me and what everyone said when we were together is true i am seeing your true colours...
Well he came storming out after i said 1 in 3 gay men ave hiv in brighton wayne so lets face it 2 of them possibly have it... I wont repeat the next line so <cut and edit>
He came storming down with his shag and they both snogged infront of me and groped... I said to him you know what this is what i think of you and i tried to set my shirt alight except it was flame resistant so i didnt get very far... After a massive row in the street his shag buggered off and my ex got into the car very drunk very violent both verbal and physical but it wasnt a issue.... l had had enough and wanted to go bed...

Well this morning i ended up having a text chat with my ex and he has agreed to cut drinking out and be sensible as his never ment to do any harm or push me that far to the point i feel i cant take anymore... l got a hug tonight and dinner cooked i told my ex i have no intentions of moving out and dont want him to do either but i admitted to him i now have intentions of actually having sex with someone one night in town for the first time since we split and that was over a year ago...

Kindest regards

Zeon xx

[SrChulo]

Thanks for sharing man.. that sounds extremely hard.

Do you have a therapist??? it sounds like you need some guidance..... this site might be good to let off steam, but some professional help could do wonders.

[posterpicture]

I was tearing down a little bit when I read this.
Thank you for sharing.
It was funny how we, human, sometimes all fall for what hurt us.

[zeon]

hi there,
Cheers for not giving backlash... When i was 18 and had a major breakdown i got alot of backlash over it... l feel better today than yesterday and feel over the next week ill be alright just blew a gasget also i was talking to my ex today about the pub we drank in and we were both different and think being spiked has had a part to play... Well today went to a family party and tonight my ex was very drunk and asked for paracetamol and downed five and i said to him wtf u doin so he informed me he is intenting to sleep forever... l told him no and after a heated discussion his now sleeping on settie but five isnt enough to cause any long term damage as l always get weak doseage otherwise i drift off to sleep as body cant tolerate them... l am staying up late as possible to be able to keep eye on him as end of our road is a 330ft cliff onto rocks...

[SrChulo]

I think both of you should seek some help. You don't have to be going through what you're going through.... Plus all of this driving under the influence is going to get someone killed.

[Kronis]

Its hard when this stuff happens. When i was 17 or 18 I had a pretty bad breakdown. My mother had just confessed her hatred of me and my best friend started going out with a girl who made my life miserable and attempted to rape me. Everything was downhill and one night I was literally ready to jump off the cliff in my friends back yard. So instead I Kicked a birch tree and it bent. I was mad at the world. I reached the climax of self hatred at a school dance when said evil girl showed up and spread rumors that i was a pedofile. So I punched the brick wall untill my hand bled and then walked home without bothering to tell anyone where i was going.

Long story short its ok to break down. But make sure you work out your emotions. I met my friend kayleigh and we talk all the time. So I have the chance to vent and seek advise that I never had before. So dont be afraid to seek help

[East]

I wish I knew what to say to you to help make it better......

It is a difficult situation on so many levels and you really need to take care of yourself. I rarely revisit this part of my life but I am going to do it in case it helps you.

I had a breakdown myself when I was 22. I had a horrible situation that I didn't quite know how to get out of....I felt like I was in a giant black hole. Within a month of each other I was getting my stomach pumped all night and a few weeks later in a drunken state I crashed into my own house...on purpose...three times.

It is a long story but I thankfully found AA and it saved my life...I would not be here today if I hadn't walked through those doors. I dont' know enough about your situation to recommend the same but just in case I thought I would share this with you.

I think you are brave to share your story here. I truly hope that you are able to find your way out of this.