So very confused!! Help?

[Konfused]

So as you can see from my user name,
I'm confused as all hell! Let me describe the situation the best I can:
So, I'm 22 right now, and I have spent my entire life (or so I thought) comfortably heterosexual, having two long term girlfriends (like 2.5 years each) and a few other flings with certain girls. This has always seemed pretty natural to me, and I have definitely had good, enjoyable sex with all of them. Until recently, it never even occured to me that being gay or bi was even a possibility. However, I have had some experiences recently that have caused me to reevaluate my whole sexual orientation. I have been into meditation and other spiritual disciplines which, either slowly or very rapidly, uncover progressive layers of the brain and psyche. On multiple occasions, I have had things pop up relating to being gay, and I have had a few sexually oriented gay dreams as well. The only things that I can think of are that I have stored a deeply held fear of being gay for my whole life, or have actually been repressing deeply held gay feelings for my whole life. Right now, that seems so hard to believe, considering my previous arousal with females. How did you guys realize that you were actually gay, and were you just sure? Was there clear arousal around guys, or was it something you had to slowly accept and feel in yourself? Do you think it's possible that after 6 years of heterosexual relations that I could have somehow switched orientation? I'm just really overwhelmed trying to take this all in, so any help you could provide would be very appreciated.

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome :-)

I think you have a big chance to be bisexual mile: Who cares if you ever was or if you switched but I think - after I read your post - that you ever was bisexual. Its not wrong to be bisexual, gay... or maybe heterosexual, but you have to accept that there can be more in your sexual life as you have thought.
The first thing to do now is to accept yourself, to learn who you are and I think you are right here and you can learn a lot about yourself here.
Don´t think there is something wrong with you and don´t ask yourself why it is how it is.... thats not important. Important is to accept yourself and learn to life as a proud bisexual or maybe gays or heterosexual male.

[fredv3b]

Hi Konfused,

First let me say your are not the first guy to feel like this, you are not the first guy to question your sexuality. However the fact that you are questioning it does not necessarily mean you were mistaken about it in the first place. Being aroused by females is also a pretty good sign of not being gay.

I knew I was gay because I was sexually attracted by guys not girls. It took me a while to accept that I did indeed feel that way, but having accepted it, it was clear I had always felt that way ever since I had any sexual feelings.

To be honest I doubt that a gay man could happily maintain long-term successful romantic and sexual relationships with the opposite sex.

I suppose it's possible that you are bisexual. Unless you just haven't mentioned that you are aroused by men (as well as women) then that possibility doesn't strike me as particularly likely.

Straight men do occasionally have gay thoughts. (I occasionally have straight thoughts, very off-putting). The mind can tend to wander while trying to meditate so they might be random thoughts rather than a deeply repressed gay self.

Perhaps your fear of being gay is tempting you to read too much into a few random thoughts?

Just my tuppence worth, I hope it's helpful.

[Konfused]

Thanks for the replies guys. No, I have not noticed being aroused by guys per say, but when I think about it I have always had kind of a curious interest in the male body, and sometimes I find my eyes inadvertantly glancing at the crotch areas of guys. I really feel that something, either a really intense fear of being gay, or some other form of bi/homosexual tendencies have been repressed, but it is so hard to grasp that I would have repressed it to the point of not even realizing or noticing any signs whatsoever growing up. I don't know how it would be possible to hold something like that back soo well for this long. I'm finding that I'm somewhat open to the idea of being bi, but to actually accept being gay would be very very hard for me, and I'm just kind of in a state of crisis right now. Thanks again for the help. Oh, another question, can and does sexuality change? Is it possible that though once completely straight, my orientation is changing?

[fenris]

I don´t believe that sexuality change .... but I think that it is possible to be more or less bisexual.
I don´t think that you are gay ... that you already had noticed

[jbrowder24]

If you are being aroused by girls (not just by touch, as any touch stimulates, but thinking about breasts, etc), then it sounds like you are bi or maybe just bi-curious. I myself was about your age when I realized I was gay because I had been in such denial, so yes being in denial because you're scared is possible, but I never had the type of arousals with girls that you have, which is why I'd think bi or bi-curious for you. But yes it's possible to hold back. I know for me, I hadn't had much exposure to gays and was afraid of becoming a stereotype - well, now I know there are all types of gays. I had fears I might go to hell - but I came to peace with sexuality being something we are born with, and God wouldn't condemn someone to hell from birth. There are all sorts of reasons to be scared of admitting who we are and to find other stuff to focus on - in my case, I wasn't sexual at all, and just thought I was the type of guy that wanted to wait until marriage, because of my upbringing. In your case, perhaps the fact that you do have attraction to females as well, you just never had much reason to think about it - especially if you didn't know any gay guys you found attractive. I also think people are bisexual on different levels, so you may lean more towards girls even if bi.

The important thing to remember is this doesn't change who you are. It may change how you perceive things if you previously thought sexuality was a choice, or something like that, but it doesn't change how you talk or what type of music you like - you're still you. You need to decide if you want to explore these desires or not; if you want to be open about being bi or not; etc. But whatever desires have been latent, you aren't going to do a full switch from straight to gay if you are still being aroused by the fairer gender.

[Kronis]

Well good sir to answer one of your questions quite bluntly I knew I was gay when I was 7 years old and my older cousin brought me a sprite soda while I was sick. I saw him in his white T shirt with a flannel buttondown shirt and I thought HOLY CRAP. lol

But to answer your overall question. I dont think that you are confused at all. Its rather normal to have the need to explore different levels of sexuality. I have had dreams where I have sex with women but it didnt make me straight. It could be that your discovering your openness. If i found myself in love with a women I would go for it despite the plumbing. I would say if anything the way your feeling now is just discovering the part of you that doesnt care.

[colinmackay]

Well it took me until my mid-thirties for me. I was repressing a lot of things. I even almost got married. In hindsight I was trying to play the dutiful son.

As others have said if you had *happy* long term relationships with women then you may not be gay. For me it was most unhappy because nothing fit properly and I couldn't see why.

I don't know much about meditation and the stray thoughts. So I can't say whether those are just random anomolies or actual indications that you are gay or bi.

I recall reading somewhere that if you get off to gay porn that's a good indicator. Do you? If you've never tried it then it may be a safe way to start experimenting. I was going to say "suck it and see", but maybe that's a bit further down the road if things look right for you after a bit of pornhub.com and a box of tissues.

In the end only you can decide for yourself. Be safe and have fun finding out. :-)


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[princealbertofb]

I once had a relationship with a woman for 4 years and it both satisfied me and pleased me. I thought I would go down the dutiful son route too and get married and have babies etc... the whole spiel. At first I did not do sex with females and had never been kissed really. So at twenty-one I was ready for some action. Of important note, the first person I shared sex with was a boy, just before that 4-year stint with my female partner. We couldn't get married in the end and we broke up for reasons that weren't sentimental but more to do with different worlds separating at a convenient time. I knew I was gay however, and I resolved never to put another woman through that again. The fact that my female partner knew about my previous gay relationship helped me to be naturally interested in her. I hadn't lied and wasn't lying to her in any respect. But after the breakup I decided that I wouldn't fall in love with another woman just for convenience's sake because... well... it would have to be a very very special girl. I still had quite a hankering for the male body. 18 years of celibacy later, I finally got what I needed, a man, a lovely one, who felt romantically attached to me as I feel to him. The sex is fulfilling and feels very very natural to us both.
But to talk about repression, I used to draw sexual situations, to get off as a teenager, and I rarely drew female forms doing it with a man. I did not have much access to pornography (the Internet didn't exist) and the rare few things that I found in my brother's bedroom generally got me interested in the male figures rather than the female ones. I would destroy any evidence of my gay drawings immediately after use. I'd be a veritable Tom of Finland if I'd kept them, lol.
Colin's suggestion to see how you react to gay porn may help, although we all know that porn it porn, and that it's done with a purpose, not with feelings and art. So one kind may get you off while another might not. It's a very mental process and our brains certainly are our biggest sexual organ.
Checking out another guy's package, I think we all do, straight and gay. We may get a tinge more excited if we are gay, although I've also learnt to repress that quite well. A lot of our sexual language and response is learnt and bridled.
It is a great thing that you are now in touch with all those feelings; whether you need to do something about it or not. It's a great realisation that we can be loved and love anyone for different reasons. What makes your body and mind tick is what you let it do. It is the way to good health and fulfilment.

[Konfused]

Thank you all so much for the responses. I have been actively investigating how I truly feel, and I am still confused. I have never been turned on by the male body, gay porn, etc.. and I don't seem to be getting turned on by it now. I have always enjoyed sex with females, and been quite aroused by it. This seems to indicate that I am straight. However, I cannot shake the experiences that I have had that indicate some kind of repressed homosexuality. Could they just be isolated feelings that were looking to be expressed? Could I be repressing them now, even while conscious of the possibility? I come from a very conservative family, and as a child, being gay certainly wasn't an option. Could this have created an entirely false reality for me to live in, happily I might add, for my whole 22 year life? Ugh, I'm sooo lost in all of this right now, and I feel very unstable trying so hard to simply figure out my true orientation.