Is this what living together means?
04-30-2011, 11:41 AM
I am confused.
I have been with my partner for seven years, we dated for 6 months and then we moved in together. Things were going well for the first two years or so. Then the relationship started to change. We were having less and less intimate moments, and once I caught him on a website looking for sex. In itself it wouldnt have been a major issue, I can understand that things like this can happen. Sex between us has never been that great, we both tend to be top and that sort of limited us a bit. However when I confronted him about the issue, not arguing, but in a calm manner, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me any more because I put on some weight. Note that i am 173 cm and 75 kg, hardly obese!! But he said he's always been attracted to skinny men. I kind of accepted that but it hurt really deep and affected my self confidence a lot. After that we've hardly had any sex as i don't feel comfortable with it any longer. The thought that he doesnt find me attractive is always in the back of my mind, and I also started thinking we were doing it more because "we had to" as a couple rather than because we wanted to.
This wouldn't have been a major issue as such, I do love him and loved our life together. We talked about it and we agreed we could go and have sex with other men, just as long as we didn;t bring anybody home (as it is "our" special place), and also I said I didn't want to know about it.
For the past three years things have just changed so much I don't see what difference there is between us two and a couple of good friends, or two brothers. We both have been leading very busy lives, and we'd see each other just about at week ends and at bed time. We are always very affectionate with each other, lots of kisses and cuddles and we always go to sleep in each other's arms.
However, we don't seem to be doing anything together any more, we've been going to separate holidays, and although we seem to be getting along well, occasionally we argue over really stupid things. This generally happens when we spend more time together. In short, we seem to be happier when we don't see each other that much. I spoke to some of my straight friends who have been married for many years and they all said to me that even when the attraction goes there's still the joy of sharing and doing things together, which keeps the relationship going. I don't think we've got that left either.
I had hoped when we started living together that he'd be the one to spend the rest of my life with, however I am not sure about that any more. I have the feeling we are getting to the end of it all but i am confused as I don't know whether it is only a crisis and things can be mended, if all relationships are like this and people do stick together "cause it's convenient, comfortable and generally easier than splitting up", if i should put any more effort into it...
It's also hard because I feel I cannot talk to him about it, as he always seem to interpret my words in the worst possible way . I suspect if I were to mention all of this it would equal to killing the relationship for good. We've always had some communication issues, although minor, as we come from different countries (and ethnicity and religion), and perhaps also cause english is not our first language. This has caused some colossal misunderstandigs at times.
I am 33 and this is my one and only long term relationship, I dont know any other gay couple that have been together as long as we have and I feel I have no model to compare myself with.
I am not a quitter and don't want to give up unless I am sure there is no hope for it. However i find myself being more frequently unhappy and sometime think it'd be best for both of us if we found somebody else to share our lives with. and when it's particularly bad I just think i'd be better off on my own !
Any advice is welcome ;o)
I have been with my partner for seven years, we dated for 6 months and then we moved in together. Things were going well for the first two years or so. Then the relationship started to change. We were having less and less intimate moments, and once I caught him on a website looking for sex. In itself it wouldnt have been a major issue, I can understand that things like this can happen. Sex between us has never been that great, we both tend to be top and that sort of limited us a bit. However when I confronted him about the issue, not arguing, but in a calm manner, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me any more because I put on some weight. Note that i am 173 cm and 75 kg, hardly obese!! But he said he's always been attracted to skinny men. I kind of accepted that but it hurt really deep and affected my self confidence a lot. After that we've hardly had any sex as i don't feel comfortable with it any longer. The thought that he doesnt find me attractive is always in the back of my mind, and I also started thinking we were doing it more because "we had to" as a couple rather than because we wanted to.
This wouldn't have been a major issue as such, I do love him and loved our life together. We talked about it and we agreed we could go and have sex with other men, just as long as we didn;t bring anybody home (as it is "our" special place), and also I said I didn't want to know about it.
For the past three years things have just changed so much I don't see what difference there is between us two and a couple of good friends, or two brothers. We both have been leading very busy lives, and we'd see each other just about at week ends and at bed time. We are always very affectionate with each other, lots of kisses and cuddles and we always go to sleep in each other's arms.
However, we don't seem to be doing anything together any more, we've been going to separate holidays, and although we seem to be getting along well, occasionally we argue over really stupid things. This generally happens when we spend more time together. In short, we seem to be happier when we don't see each other that much. I spoke to some of my straight friends who have been married for many years and they all said to me that even when the attraction goes there's still the joy of sharing and doing things together, which keeps the relationship going. I don't think we've got that left either.
I had hoped when we started living together that he'd be the one to spend the rest of my life with, however I am not sure about that any more. I have the feeling we are getting to the end of it all but i am confused as I don't know whether it is only a crisis and things can be mended, if all relationships are like this and people do stick together "cause it's convenient, comfortable and generally easier than splitting up", if i should put any more effort into it...
It's also hard because I feel I cannot talk to him about it, as he always seem to interpret my words in the worst possible way . I suspect if I were to mention all of this it would equal to killing the relationship for good. We've always had some communication issues, although minor, as we come from different countries (and ethnicity and religion), and perhaps also cause english is not our first language. This has caused some colossal misunderstandigs at times.
I am 33 and this is my one and only long term relationship, I dont know any other gay couple that have been together as long as we have and I feel I have no model to compare myself with.
I am not a quitter and don't want to give up unless I am sure there is no hope for it. However i find myself being more frequently unhappy and sometime think it'd be best for both of us if we found somebody else to share our lives with. and when it's particularly bad I just think i'd be better off on my own !
Any advice is welcome ;o)
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