*Please Help with Advice*

[gago]

Hello everyone,

I have some issues that I really need help with, and any serious advice will be greatly appreciated. My family is not religious but when it comes to homosexuality they are very closed minded and ignorant. I am 24 years old and I want to find a way to come out to at least my mother, who would be the most willing to accept the way I am. Some of my close friends know about me but that is it, I am very closeted.

Now the other issue is that I am falling for a guy who is very open about his orientation and doesn't care what anyone else thinks, and wants me to be like that someday. I do too because I am tired of pretending to be someone else. Like when we go out and stuff he likes to show affection but I make it awkward because I am uncomfortable. Like I even have trouble holding his hand in the car as we are driving.

Thanks everyone!

[matty7]

one step at a time m8 ,,, maybe try to take your mom aside with a meal or an outing with just the 2 of you and let here know your feelings .... once you get that big step out of the way then the other stuff will come that little bit easier i think - you'll be holding hands with ur BF before u know it

[fredv3b]

Welcome to GS.

How to come out to your mother? It's a difficult question, I can only give a general answer. First be prepared, know what you want to say, practice, make sure you can get through your 'speech'. Some of her questions I am sure you can guess, so have your answers ready, other questions may be out of left field. Pick a good time, when you can talk undisturbed for a couple of hours if needs be. Don't do it in the run up to Thanksgiving or Christmas or any other time of increased family tension. You don't say whether you still live with your parents, if you don't obviously that makes things easier.

As for being affectionate with your guy, ultimately while you are still in the closet to a certain extent you will have a rational fear of being seen together and word reaching your family. That fear won't go away unless you come out. However I suspect most of your fear is beyond that rational level e.g. who is going to see if you hold hands in the car?

So how do you deal with that fear? Start by being affectionate with him somewhere completely private, where it is impossible for anyone to see the two of you, just relax and allow yourself to be comfortable. Then try being affectionate somewhere not quite completely private where it's possible a random stranger might catch a glimpse of you two. Then you can move on to somewhere slightly less private and so on. The idea is to learn to be comfortable with the very slight chance that someone who knows you (and is a gossip) might see the two of you.

I hope that all makes sense and is helpful..

[Kronis]

Honestly when i came out to my mom (divorced parents btw) she flipped and went all born again on my ass. So I have been cautious to come out to my dad. I moved out of my mothers and lived with my dad for a while. I spent the last couple years trying to tell him so i can finally start acting like my self. But just recently I had a few optimistic experiances and started acting like myself again. I cant help it. I was sick of closing myself off. So I talked to my sister about wether I should come out. then she said the smartest thing. "Dude if He isnt a complete dumbass he already knows. all our cousins have suspicion and they just dont care. In fact it sounds like him and his wife were talking about it"

On other words i didnt have much to worry about. Some people talk a big game but when its finally revealed it could change their perception. Take it easy andcalm down. Dont show fear. When you are ready tell them as an equal. They will respect it wether they say it or not.

And talk to your bf guy thing. ask him for help. In fact I think offering that part in your life would honor him. Involving him in such a substantial part of your experiance would show him how much you care for him. its a win win

[ToddYoung]

I'd say most mothers know. They just don't want to hear it confirmed. If you tell her, make sure it's an appropriate time. My advice would be to tell her. When I told my mom she didn't bat an eyelid.

[gilhooly]

Dear gago:
I'm 65. Everything written above should be read and considered. The only thing I will add is be prepared for a lot of pain to you and everyone you tell. Every parent will feel guilty even if they say they are alright with it. If you screw up anything. ever, parents always think it is their fault. Try not to overreact to their anger. Tell them you feel as confused as they do. Reassure them you don't blame them. Forget initial reaction from everyone and pay attention to their feelings as time goes on. Time heals all wounds. That is the truth not a silly old saying.
Be prepared to lose some friends or relatives. Ask if this is truth. As time goes by you will astonished at just how nice some people are. You will get some pleasure within the coming year from unexpected people. Last of all come back and cry on our shoulder, we have all gone through this. It is extremely important not to think you are alone and going through something unique to you.
It happened to us, it will happen to you and finally be prepared to help others through pain. The day you help someone else is the last day of your pain.
GOOD LUCK.