Major social dilemma on my hands.......

[pato]

Hello everyone, first time poster here and I would greatly appreciate some advice. SORRY for the long post.

Just fyi BF = boyfriend and BFF = best friend lol.

I have a very close friend of about 12 years who has recently found a boyfriend. We have been very close since years ago. We have always gone on vacations together, helped each-other financially as well as through college. I even helped him come out recently. We messed around a little in the beginning (my first time basically) and we are basically as close as or closer than brothers and sisters.

On a friday my bff had an important paper due. Since I am a history buff I decided to help him out. I started typing it up. He then left citing that he had to meet someone (for sex) I decided to finish the 10 page paper. (We have helped each other out a lot in the past). I told him to be back soon so he can read it before the deadline. He didn't. Later I found out he went out on a date with this guy I had been talking to intermittently for about a year (I only met him once though) but we skyped and talked on the phone and had actually planned to meet each other recently. They fell madly in love with each-other. I found out this guy had lied to me throughout the year we had talked (about his name and where he lived, went to school etc). So I naturally didn't trust him anymore. My friend told me more and more about him. How they want to get married etc. So I got jealous and upset as I have once before. Currently they are in a long distance relationship. My bff's new bf never texted me after he found out that I was his new bf's bff, but did talk to me via AIM a few weeks later after my bff asked him to. Since then I have voiced my opinion to my bff telling him that I don't like this guy. In response to my negative comments, that guy has been talking about me negatively as well. He has also sent funny pictures about me to my bf, poking fun at my overweight issue and he has made mean spirited comments. I really do not like this guy and apparently he really hates me. I think he is bad news. His family situation is not very good either and he doesn't have stability in his life currently. I believe this may be one of the reasons as to why he is very clingy. He wants a bf who is also a best friend (my role) and everything else.

All this drama climaxed when my cousin, my bff and I went out. My bff (who has always been very closeted because according to him he is (was) bi and no one needed to know) came out to my cousin and told her I had been forcing him to stay in the closet and that I am extremely jealous of his new bf and that I am alone and mean. Since then (in response to my comments) he has told me that I am no longer a priority and that I will see him a lot less now that he has a bf. He has also been taking steps so as not to upset his new bf who is also very jealous of me. He told me that we wont be going on as many vacations (we vacationed every year together for about 5 years). etc. He also told me to "get someone or I will be alone."

So I am extremely frustrated. This isn't what I imagined. My bff has always said he was bi that he planned on finding a gf and that he planned to incorporate me into his life. But none of that seems to be true. And his bf would not want me around anyway. He has made that clear. Lately he has been very distant and mean. And I do not like his bf. His bf is slowly trying to make an imprint. He is trying to be close with my bff's mom who struggles with him because hes gay (she just found out about them). He is telling my bff what is and is not appropriate in terms of gifts to buy me and general info about our relationship. And he basically calls the shots now in a sense. And my bff is infatuated with him and listens to that he wants and even buys colognes based on his taste. With all the negative comments and stuff coming my way and all the bad feelings I feel really upset. And I need your advice. What adjustments need to be made? I still want to be real close with my bff and I still want to partake in some of our previous pastime activities (vacationing etc), if that is a possibility. And I want to have a bff who I can hang out with.

THANK YOU very much for your time....

[Retrospect]

First off, I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

There's a few things going on here:

First, although your bff is acting like a complete moron, you can't blame him 100%. This is his first bf. His first real relationship (With how much you say he cares for him, he doesn't sound bi, and will eventually be comfortable classifying himself as gay). He's in the honeymoon stage, where he will put his boyfriend in front of all else and will be extremely ignorant/blind to the truth.
You need to give him a bit of space and time. Tell him you're still there for him and you still care for him, and to not be so rude to you.

However, this is not very fair for you. You should open your eyes a little more and see who is in front of you. The fact that he knew you and that other guy were talking and then went for him anyway, is a direct stab in the back that is just plain low. Try to find other friends to hang out with, try to stay happy, because he is affecting you in a way that no one deserves to be affected. Him telling you that you will be lonely forever is just plain insensitive.

I really do not know how much of a chance there is for your friendship with your bff to last. You see one's true colors at their worst, and if you cannot handle their worst, then maybe you need to end things before it affects you in a way which is even more unbearable.

Try talking him, if that doesn't work, give him time, (while keeping yourself busy), if that doesn't work, face the reality that he is not a friend you want in your life.

ps: bff's bf = dick.

Best of luck to you!

[DarkDaisuke]

Wow... Uhm all I can say is screw your bff's bf :/ But I hope you find out what to do and I wish I could give you advice =(

[jbrowder24]

First off... friendships and their dynamic change. Your friend might have had every intention of keeping you in his life same as always but even if he had met a girl, doesn't mean he would have... priorities change when you're trying to make a relationship work, or have a family, etc. Sometimes people move further for a job and you grow more distant. Stuff just happens.

That said, the things that are being said are acceptable. Your bff's bf does sound like a controlling jerk and for some reason your bff seems to have fallen for him. Short of proving somehow to your bff what a dick the bf is, I'm not really sure what to tell you other than to respect him but be honest about certain things... like what was said to your cousin and the 'always be alone' comment... remind him timing of finding the one is different for everyone and it's not like you want to be alone, so it's hurtful to feel like he's trying to push you away.... Hmmm maybe not, I don't know. This is definitely a tough one and sorry to read about it all Good luck

[azulai]

I agree with all the above advice.

Unfortunately, your bff has to learn to judge people's character on his own. There's just a point where no matter how much you care about someone, you have to back off and let people make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons.

Your relationship may change to the point where all you can do is listen and then be there when things start to unravel for him.

But, you need to evaluate whether this person he is evolving into, because of the bf's influence, is someone you want to be your bff. If this is the way he acts when he's "in love," it reeks of insecurities and immaturity.

Is that someone you respect and want to be around? Is this the way you want to be treated?

Instead of love bringing out joy, it brings out a superiority type behavior in your bff? You may find that he's always been a little jealous of you and now that someone has "picked" him over you, some hidden meanness is coming out to make you feel bad about yourself.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Be careful.