How to get over social fears?

[Aquarius]

Social anxiety, or whatever you wanna call it, often keep me from getting to know people.
When I meet someone new, I am always holding my breath, being scared about revealing certain things about myself, so that in the end I prefer to be alone at home, rather than meeting new people. I just have the feeling that new people would judge me or sort me into a box where I don't belong to. Then again, I am ashamed of parts about my life, because it isn't "cool".

However, the one thing I really miss is having a male friend close enough to talk about all kinds of things, day and night, someone who is at a similar point in life as me, even though I don't think this exists as my "setup" is quite unique.

I don't need this to be anything else than a friendship. Of course, if it happens to develop into more than a friendship, even better, but a fellow male friend to lean on and to explore life with is one of the things I miss the most in life, and I need to get over my social fears to find something like that.

I do have a female friend like that, but I can't talk about gay / guy things with her, so I hope to find a male equivalent.

Back to my fears: I came to the point to believe that my fears aren't bound to my actual issues.
Meaning, I think I still would be shy even if I wouldn't have to worry about revealing this or that. Likewise, in a parallel universe, someone else with the exact same issues as me, might be totally outgoing and not ashamed of what he is.

I remember when I was around 25 and studying I was totally shy as well, so I really begin to believe that my shyness isn't bound to my issues, but to my personality. If that makes sense... of course it all interacts as well.

My question goes out to everyone who has / who had social anxiety and how you have overcome it?
Did you eventually meet new friends who are really close to you?
Are social media good or bad to overcome barriers and to get to know people?

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I have a had a LOT of trouble when I was in school with social anxiety. I often was the guy who ate lunch by themselves...

I'll be upfront social anxiety never completely goes away...but, it does get better. My #1 suggestion is a bit of exposure therapy....which isn't fun but it work and it takes time. I have a friend who HATES, using the word hate here, going to grocery shopping. Once we got done getting everything he was like "Thank God."

My journey dealing with my social anxiety honestly I owe a lot of it to a former friend of mine. no longer friends, really pushed me on getting out and doing things. She was a huge on going to bars and she was, socially speaking, the exact opposite, she gave zero fucks about what other people thinked while I'm sitting there like OMG people are going to think "blah blah blah."

Honestly I think most of the fears deal with perceptions from others, and really it is all internalized, because when you think about it objectively people only care about themselves and probably aren't batting an eye at you... I mean unless you strip down naked and run around a bit or something, that might get someone's attiention.

Basically what I'm trying to say is you can rest assured no one, unless it is a gay guy checking you out, is paying you any attiention and no judgement is being passed. I might sound like I'm going out on a limb saying this but I am not, you have more in common with a random stranger thank you think. Chances are that stranger on the corner...yes that corner over there, has a lot of the same thoughts and feelings you have and guess what those thoughts don't include you in most all cases...and if they do, unless they're going to take you to dinner screw them.

So, I will be honest it takes years, at least in my case, but you have to PUSH yourself...a little bit at a time. Do things that push your limits, a little bit outside your comfort zone... no not going sky diving or anything like that but take some baby steps. Yeah you're 40 but yes you'll grow out of it...if you really[/i[ want to get over...or beat social anxiety it is certainly within your reach just like anything else you want in life...

Think of it like this, you want a candy bar, have no money, you will look under the couch, pull the cushions out...check every nook and cranny to find the change to get it.

Now the big thing and it is all over your post. Worry less, a lot less. Stop worrying about being gay and whether someone accepts it or not. There will always being someone who doesn't like something about you...might be your hair, cologne...or that you're gay. Don't try to please people because worrying about it and staying quiet is not changing anything, those people will have their opinions with or without your [i]expression if that makes sense. Why do these assholes a favor and keep quiet?

Have to forgive me because I have drank pretty much a bottle of wine...ok now a bottle of wine but the point I'm making is try to objectively understand the roots of your anxiety and I see that "worrying" is the common theme to a lot of this.

Couple things, neither you or I are super human, we're very much imperfect and I can't seem to win my own battles at times. Don't expect change overnight or necessarily to be successful at everything, you're not going to go from an introvert to extrovert, you might even consider talking to a counselor or even a doctor who could prescribe medication to be the bridge.... think of it as a bridge or a stepping stool to help. I'm not a huge fan of medications but they can help, they can help get your feet wet and when you're ready you can, slowly, get off the medication and do it on your own.

I took a nasty turn into depression a few years ago, I still fight with it time to time but back them I was pretty much ready to end my life. Although medication wasn't my cup of tea, counseling and what not did help. The big thing is not just acknowledging that other people have many of the same problems I have but to know that other people are like me and share many of the same struggles I have and most people, regardless of their background, all pretty much want the same thing, we want food, warmth, love...and sex...and then go to sleep.

Hopefully I didn't ramble too much and that this helps some...

[LJay]

A nfew good ideas to work over:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/13-th....toa0tdys3

[Shawn]

Stop thinking about not doing mistakes and to please people... just don't give a fuck about everything and everybody.

and that's it

[Aquarius]

Yeah, I am worrying a lot about all kind of things, so you're right in saying that this is a big problem in my case.

The guy from the gay advisory centre also told me to push my limits a bit, getting out of my comfort zone, so I have to find out what would be a good thing to do. I hate being in public transport when it's busy because I can't stand being surrounded by strangers that close to me, and always wanna get home as soon as possible whenever I'm done with my errands in town. Could be an idea to spend a whole day in town.

Also I was never showering in the gym because I couldn't get to the point of being totally naked in front of strangers, and I really doubt I could ever get myself to do it. I'm totally anxious thinking about it.

No sky diving for me in this life for sure, as I have a terrible fear of height (not flying), I can't even watch photos of skydiving or bungee jumping people or similar.

But other than that, pushing my limits sounds like a good idea, and depending on what it is, I might be willing to do certain things. Getting a tattoo is something that I considered every now and then, but worrying too much about "changing myself forever".

Maybe there are other things that I can't think of now that could be good baby steps. Any ideas?

[deephiance]

Also I was never showering in the gym because I couldn't get to the point of being totally naked in front of strangers, and I really doubt I could ever get myself to do it. I'm totally anxious thinking about it.

I bet you have a hot arse that the gym junkies would love to pat

[Aquarius]

A nfew good ideas to work over:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/13-th....toa0tdys3

A few good ideas yes, but some points are totally against my views, especially this one:

"There are people who are less advanced in their personal and professional life, and there are people that are more advanced than us. If you spend time with the people are behind you, your average will go down, and with it, your success."

This would mean that I would have to avoid my elderly parents. This also means that people I meet are more advanced than me, and thus they are asked to not spend time with me cos I'm less advanced. It's a contradiction in itself, because when you are asked to spend time with people more advanced than yourself, it automatically makes you one of "the people [...] behind you", which again, more advanced people shouldn't spend any time with, according to this paragraph....

This kind of thinking in "leagues" are exactly what I HATE about successful people, and I'd rather stay unsuccessful than becoming such a kind of person.

Update: This article actually made me very upset and angry. If you have to become a selfish asshole to become "successful", then I will want to avoid people more successful than me. In that way, I am totally fine with staying lonely and not meeting people.

[deephiance]

I agree, the term 'advanced' does leave it very open to interpretation as one mans 'advanced' is another man's fault.

[Aquarius]

That article is a complete brainwash. I feel sorry for everyone falling for this.

Update:
I can't get over it, sorry. Basically, this article declares me as "toxic", because I'm "less advanced". How is this gonna help my social fears?
This article quite did the opposite, it reinforces my social fears. [MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] you probably meant well, but I feel disgusted by the mindset this article promotes.

[Thundanton]

I can give you three forms of advice,

1. there are two types of people when it comes down to the social world, introverted people and extroverted people. but everyone has a bit of both, they are just comfortable relying on their primary side. Extroverted people thrive off the energy of others, they feel that they can easily relate to others and that they are not that different from everyone else. If they aren't socialising, they won't have enough energy to make it through the day happily. Introverted people thrive of off the energy of their own thoughts and need a serene environment to do so. they believe they are very different from everyone else and that people will struggle to understand them.

I won't go into detail as to how you became introverted or extroverted in the first place but I will tell you that you are most likely an extreme introvert with an underdeveloped extroverted side. you need to stop thinking about yourself to much and start following your instincts without worrying about how others will respond to them.

2. start to recognise similarities in people in general and when you engage in a conversation with someone, focus on finding what makes them similar to you and ignore their diferences.

3. this advice might seem to contradict the first one in a way but it is different. try to be mindfull of both your thoughts and feelings, pinpoint exactly what is making you feel that way. the mind works like a magic trick, once you know how it is done, it doesn't mean anything to you anymore.


and also, some people can be more advanced in one field over you but not in all fields. I am a medical student and sometimes I sit and talk with consultants and doctors and even I can teach them things they didn't know because my experiences are going to be different to them. even if we are talking about something regarding the medical field, it gets me excited because they are sharing some of their wisdom with me which will eventually make me smarter when I reach their age. everything depends on how you look at it.