I can't handle it anymore... My life is a mess.

[Bourani]

I have never told all this to anyone.

I can't take it anymore. I was born in a Third World country where being gay is frowned upon, although officially legal. All my life I was in a closet because in case of coming out I knew all my friends would reject me. My family would have likely freaked out as well...

I'm 23. I never had a relationship. I never had a damn relationship and no one has ever loved me. I was in love with a straight guy for 2.5 years, I loved him so much, we were kind of friends, he was straight and of course he didn't know about me. I would do everything for him: help him out all the time and so on. He called me a faggot everyday as a joke. For 3 years I was in a deep depression, but I didn't tell anyone. Sometimes I would just go out in the middle of the night and walk on the empty streets of my town for hours thinking about my life...

Apart from that, my life in my homeland was hiding, falling for some straight guys and feeling hurt about that.

One year ago I moved to Europe. Moved with a hope to change my life. I was happy. I felt I will find someone and I will be free.

Nothing changed...

I'm still single and I'm more lonely than ever. I was so desperate to try to find HIM over the last year but in the end I understood that I'm nothing. No one wants to have something with me, no one is interested in me.

I met some guys, but it was a clear one-way road. I stopped texting or calling them, all relationship ruined in a moment.

I met a guy during my weekend trip to Italy and we spent only 4 hours together and after that I had to go to the airport. I was the happiest in the world. When we were saying goodbye, we were discussing when I can come to Italy to see him or when he can come to my town to see me. We didn't have sex, but I was damn happy at that moment. I thought that I finally met HIM. The moment I landed, I connected to the Internet and he was waiting for me in Skype. Sweet chat. Next day I booked the tickets to Italy. In the evening he tells me he's no longer interested in me. "Yesterday was great, but it was yesterday".

All my friends meanwhile discuss gay prides saying that gays are pathetic and should all be isolated from the society. I try to protect gays and they make jokes about me "turning into gay in tolerant Europe" also noting that they "wouldn't be able even to talk to me anymore in case i really transformed into gay"...

I can't handle this anymore... I don't see any goal in my life anymore. I'm not ugly, I do sports, I'm pretty smart being a graduate of a top-university, I'm kind, I'm ready to do everything for HIM. No one needs it, no one sees it.

I feel totally broken. It's 4.30 AM here right now and I'm sitting not able to fall asleep watching the Sun going up outside through my window thinking what to do... I don't want to live anymore. My life is nothing but pain and every years the pain gets stronger. I was waiting and looking for my guy for so many years and I never met anyone. I didn't even have a chance to truly date. I will always be alone. All evenings after work will be only me and my laptop. All Christmas Eves will be only me and my parents. All holidays trips will me simply me.

Sorry for taking your time... I just needed to write it somewhere... I just want to fucking love, that's it... Nothing else is more important in this world...

[jbrowder24]

I'm sorry to read things are so rough right now. Unfortunately we can't control when we might meet the one and just because you are in a newer country doesn't mean it will happen any sooner (well maybe a bit sooner than if you'd stayed, but patience is still a virtue). But you are still young and as you said a graduate of a top university and not ugly so sounds like you do have a lot to offer for someone when the time is right.

I do have to ask have you tried making new friends in Germany that are either also gay/bi or at least gay-friendly straights? Sometimes it's best to just focus on this, and it sounds like you definitely would benefit from some new friends considering the views of your old friends, which is very sad that they would want isolation Hopefully outreach can be done to make the world a more accepting place but until then, try your best to focus on things like friendship or career, and when the time is right you'll meet someone

[jdawg903]

I agree with the above post very much. Find a good support circle of friends, immerse yourself in your career and focus on the other things in life that can give you satisfaction. I think your just lacking companionship and someone to talk to. I have never really been in a relationship to be honest but I enjoy just fooling around for now. Not looking and certainly not in a point in my life where I'm ready for something like this. In fact I pretty much get all of my "intimacy" from my friends and you will be surprised at the amount of people who haven't ever been in a real relationship. It's something that takes time and is very hard to come by, so you shouldnt stress out about it as of yet.

[East]

You are a prisoner of your mind at the moment and you need to unlock it.

Try sorting some of the things out so you can make that happen. First...what are the things you simply cannot change? I would suggest that other people's attitudes and the oppression you have felt in the past are two things but make your own list of things and circumstances that you have no control over and cannot change and put them aside. It is also helpful to view these things as a seperate entity.

Second...what are some of the things you can change? My suggestion...you are young and you have to understand that love will come when it is time...you cannot force it. What you can do is take that energy you spend trying to find someone else to love and learn to love and respect yourself with the same intensity. When love comes...and it will....you will be ready for it.

When you are gay sometimes it is unfortunate that we have to absorb and internalize other people's attitudes and opinions about who we are to the point where we forget ...or maybe even don't know how...to love ourselves. It is important that you fix that. I hate to say it so bluntly but truly it won't matter if someone else loves you if you dont' love yourself.

I do hope you can see your way through this.

[Retrospect]

I'm really sorry to hear about this, Bourani.

First off, you have to believe and understand that what you're going through will pass. It is a feeling of immense loneliness and just really wanting to share your love with another man. I know the feeling, and it will pass.
You are young, you have many years ahead of you. And even though you may not think so now, one day you will find a great man. A great great greattt man that will not only appreciate all the care and love you provide him with, but will also return it as well. And that's when you will feel at your happiest.

There is much to live for, buddy. Love is just a big part of it that will come whenever the time is ready.

As for your friends; find new ones. There is that saying that goes, "You only surround yourself with those who you want to be like." And that's because your body tends to act in a way similar with those that you surround yourself with. I'm not saying that you will soon hate gays, too, but due to your friends, you are only getting closer to hating yourself. Which leads to absolutely no good.
"Another cannot love you until you love yourself."

Enough with he quotes.

But seriously, bud, find new friends. They can be any gender/orientation but let them be friends that affect you in a positive way. Take life day by day, try and care for yourself. Do not let your moron "friends" get the best of you.

You sound like a very very warm-hearted, caring guy, and I'm sure any guy would love to receive that care for you, but if you don't have pride on yourself, it may not last.

Best of luck, and if you need anyone to contact, chat, and such, you're more than welcome to PM me, or anyone else in this forum, for that matter. It's a friendly place.

Take care!

[DarkDaisuke]

Please stay strong =( Don't give in you'll find him =( It is hard but don't ever consider suicide please... I'm wanting to cry while reading your post right now =(Just try to find some new friends =(

[Miller91]

I'm sorry to read things are so rough right now. Unfortunately we can't control when we might meet the one and just because you are in a newer country doesn't mean it will happen any sooner (well maybe a bit sooner than if you'd stayed, but patience is still a virtue). But you are still young and as you said a graduate of a top university and not ugly so sounds like you do have a lot to offer for someone when the time is right.

I do have to ask have you tried making new friends in Germany that are either also gay/bi or at least gay-friendly straights? Sometimes it's best to just focus on this, and it sounds like you definitely would benefit from some new friends considering the views of your old friends, which is very sad that they would want isolation Hopefully outreach can be done to make the world a more accepting place but until then, try your best to focus on things like friendship or career, and when the time is right you'll meet someone

You are trully an inpirational man!!!

[XRIMO]

I can't tell you how much you sound like me from a few months ago. I'm 26 and felt the same way, that I could never be loved, I would never find someone, I was completely alone...

However, I took a step forward and started seeing a therapist and she has been helping realize how my thoughts affect my emotions and how to prove to myself that I am loveable. Plus I've made some amazing friends on here and I have amazing friends around me that I can talk to. I've been doing much better and I'm recognizing the thoughts that caused me to believe that I was unloveable.

I know you can overcome it. See a good therapist, make friends, there are people who you can talk to. I know it doesn't seem that way, believe me I was there... its so hard to convince yourself, but it is true. Once you realize it, you'll be happier.

[jbrowder24]

Thanks Miller91... and lots of other good advice here too, hope it is helping. *hugs*

[Bourani]

Guys, thanks a lot for your support! I really really need to hear something like that this period of my life...

I have been thinking about my situation today all today... Most importantly, I came to a conclusion that I need to come out to at least the closest people in my life like my closest friends and my family... I mean, I definitely know I will never marry a girl, so sooner or later they will understand it anyway (in fact, I think my mum already has suspicions on me).

Out of my family, I'm sure that my dad will freak out. He loves me and cares about me sometimes even way too much (for instance, he would honestly worry about me not forgetting to put on something warm when it's cold outside), but he is way too conservative. Mum is tolerant about gays, but she once told me "I'm tolerant, I just hope you're not".

I want to start with my sister... We had a chat in Skype a month ago and I was talking about how important gay rights are and she asked me: "Tell me, are you gay or straight?". I made a joke saying that not everyone who is gay friendly is gay himself. And she said: "I would still love you as much as I do now, even if you're gay". So I want to come out to her first...

Meanwhile, I had an interesting moment today... I was walking in the city listening to the music and thinking about all that stuff and ended up in the gay district. Then I took a subway and while I was waiting for a train on a station that is right in the heart of the gay area, a gay couple entered the station. One of them was... no words can express! His boyfriend was so average that I was so shocked... Anyway, this moment my phone rang and I was talking to a friend of mine over the phone standing close to them. When the train came, we all entered it and we all got out to change on the next station. But once I got out there was some sort of construction work on the platform and they changed the way the trains moved. I couldn't figure out how to get to where I needed and was asking to my friends over the phone to look over the Internet. I was about 20 steps from that gay couple, when the handsome one suddenly came to me alone and said: "Do you need help?". I was like... yes, I do... He have me directions, I smiled back and thanked him. When the train came (we needed the same) there was a moment of confusion and his boyfriends already entered the train while the handsome one was just entering it and I asked: "Sorry, did you mean this train?". And then he turned back to me, got out of the train leaving his BF there and started explaining to me that usually it is this platform, but now they work on the construction bla bla bla... Small talk, then we both entered the train, sat opposite each other and they went out in 2 stations. He said: "Bye" and I wished him a great evening.

I now think I am such an idiot... He was hugging that guy in the train, but they didn't even speak all the time... I now think that maybe I should have pushed it a bit and... Maybe it was my chance... I mean, would he leave his BF and come to me to offer help if I had absolutely no chance? Would he automatically get out of the train standing in the doors to talk to me when his BF is inside? :confused:

Sorry for much drama mile: I just really try to think whether I had a chance and should have pushed it... What do you think???