Need some opinions on life

[Story]

There's so many things I'd like to say but not sure what to say. I came to this site because I really need someone to talk to about a variety of topics I feel stumped on but just as a warning the explanation is long and quite a story. So here goes,
My name is Daniel, I am 22 right now. I've moved around for the most part of my childhood and around age 9 finally settled in Mesa, Arizona where I've been ever since. My family for note is Mormon, and while I believe most of the religion, their stance on homosexuality is a problem for me. I'll touch up on that later. But understand growing up I actually didn't have feeling for men or women until I turned 18 and make the realization I was gay. But taking one step back I have to mention an important detail that happened in high school, I had always done well in school, and starting my sophomore year i would be taking alot of difficult and advanced classes. I knew something was quite right before school even started. I could feel it. But the only instance that I really noticed out of norm was me crying Myself to sleep almost every night of my boyscout campout.. Yet as I started school I found myself doing poorly in 4 classes, I actually was failing. To make a long story short I failed those classes. I tried going to my parents for help but they shrugged me off both times I sincerely asked for help. That was the final blow and I sank into a very severe depression that lasted 3 years. My parents refused to allow to chat with a psychologist or take anti-depressants and I had no one I could talk to. I lived in a world where i lost everything that gave me joy and feeling completely helpless to do anything about it all.
While I am better this event impacted my life a great deal and im still having problems with the aftermath of that whole experience as I will tell later. from this experience ive matured alot and grown in many ways emotionally. I tend to be a very emotionally driven person after all this.

Again when I was 18 I learned I'd my gay feelings and I freaked out. I didn't want to be gay because my religion said it was wrong etc. I went to my bishop and he enrolled me with a therapist to "cure" me of my desires. As I went they tried to have me do exercises to push my same gender attractions out and get me attracted to women as "this is what I wanted." I tried to change. For 8 months of therapy, crying, praying, hoping to change yet I didn't. I came to the realization that I couldn't like women like I did men and that's when I started to change my thinking and accept myself.

The road has been rough, my parents suspected i was doing something but I needed to learn more about my sexuality. I ended up playing around some but I never did anal sex. I told myself I'd wait for the right guy to do that with.
Fast forward to January 2010 and I get a call after making blood donation. Their doctor wants to see me. He sits me down and tells me I am positive for HIV. I don't believe him, because I was naive to think that could only be done anally. Turns out I got it orally after swallowing a guy who lied about his status.
Becoming positive has changed my life considerably for good and bad but mostly good. Out of this I've grown to have clarity and purpose in life, understanding and I've been able to move on in my life by starting school and getting a different job. This was also how I came out to my parents, there was tons of initial problems and there was an "intervention" done to try and stop me from my messed up ways. Things are better now but it's still a weird battle fighting to be gay around my family, In particular my sister Cassandra(name changed) doesn't want me to be gay, she wants me to go to church and be celibate and she still says that to me. My parents are separated as of 3 years ago. I live with my mom, Cassandra and my other sister Ollie. My mom is trying to be understanding but I know it will take time for her. My sister sally, my brother andres and my dad don't have an issue with my sexuality but due to our family's issues living together they have fractioned off and have gone their own ways.
So I live in a home where they kinda accept me to be gay but don't at the same time so I always have to be discreet when meeting guys, even if we are just trying to be friends.

So lets forward a few months ago. I again was being too honest with my bishop and told him I had HIV. I felt like since it's so rare to get it that god had his hand in putting it in my life. He denied that saying I did this to myself and god has nothing to do with it. He then started pushing me, asking if I had done anything else other than oral sex asking me several times but I told him that's all I did he didn't believe me. He then told me I could no longer be teaching my primary class because I "was a danger to people"
This entire conversation is the reason why I'm currently not attending church. And while I know i could go to a different ward I'm not sure if I should even try. To be honest all they need is some evidence that I'm living the gay lifestyle before they excommunicate me.
1)So here's the first question, what do I do about my religion? I do believe the church but I don't know if I should go... It's really awkward. And I keep needing to make a decision but in the end i can't. Idk what to do about that.

2)Moving onto the next question, I feel like sometimes I don't have full control over my emotions still. My emotions can be very strong while in general I an fine I find myself bottling up my emotions and unable to let those emotions go until they overwhelm me and I have a good cry. Idk sometimes I feel like I'm not in control of my emotions as much as I'd like.

3rd is about dating. How will I know I'm ready? I've never been in a full relationship, I'm scared I won't be a good partner and so idk if I'm ready or not. To that respect I can't find dates or real gay friends and I'm very frustrated about that. I know I really can't live my lifestyle freely until I move out anyways. Idk I know that most guys are way to ignorant or conceited to date me cuz of my status. If they do wanna date me they are generally not very attractive or are 40+ so yeah...

I hope what I wrote was legible. I also have more to write on making friends but I'll hold off later. Thanks for reading

[Story]

Oh another thing, I do very much want to be in a relationship. While I've been able to accept being single for now I just had a resurgence of those desires for a loving relationship about 2 weeks ago. I can't help but bleed right now in my conversations this need by making jokes about loving people and just being slightly sexual in general. I'm not sure what set these emotions off again but I'm finding them hard to deal with at the moment as well

[jbrowder24]

1)So here's the first question, what do I do about my religion? I do believe the church but I don't know if I should go... It's really awkward. And I keep needing to make a decision but in the end i can't. Idk what to do about that.

I can't speak to Mormon churches, but there have been recent threads you should check out about this topic linking to Gabby's Bus on youtube, soulforce.org and more. Lots of resources about Christianity and religion that might help. Unfortunately with some churches it might not end up being your choice, but it is always your choice with faith and there are other churches out there that are accepting. I do hope the Mormon church shows some signs of growth - there has been a significant amount of gay Mormons it seems and movies such as Latter Days etc - but until then realize that man's interpretation of text isn't necessarily God's word, as man is flawed.

2)Moving onto the next question, I feel like sometimes I don't have full control over my emotions still. My emotions can be very strong while in general I an fine I find myself bottling up my emotions and unable to let those emotions go until they overwhelm me and I have a good cry. Idk sometimes I feel like I'm not in control of my emotions as much as I'd like.

I'm sorry you feel like this, but there's nothing wrong with a good cry either. Sometimes it's what's needed, to just let things out. Perhaps you can try some things like writing to get thoughts out, or things like exercise which can improve mood. It it's too much of a problem, don't be afraid to seek help, but a little emotions can be a good thing - it shows you have soul.

3rd is about dating. How will I know I'm ready? I've never been in a full relationship, I'm scared I won't be a good partner and so idk if I'm ready or not. To that respect I can't find dates or real gay friends and I'm very frustrated about that. I know I really can't live my lifestyle freely until I move out anyways. Idk I know that most guys are way to ignorant or conceited to date me cuz of my status. If they do wanna date me they are generally not very attractive

I'm sorry to hear it's been hard for you. Most of this paragraph refers to dating... regarding being ready, perhaps it's better to focus on friends for now if you're still uncomfortable. That might also help guys who were afraid to date you because of HIV, see you as more of a person, if it ends up leading to more. And as for meeting friends, a lot can factor in such as location but it's important to give things a little time too. And so what if some of those guys are not that attractive? Maybe they'd be cool to hang with, and who knows, maybe you'd end up meeting a mutual friend. Not saying to hang with just everyone... there's definitely guys that get clingy or things like that... but just open your mind and show a little patience.

[jbrowder24]

p.s. a blog that might interest you (I haven't really read it so sorry if it's bad)
http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/
Oh and Todd on one season of Survivor a bit back was a gay Mormon

[Story]

Thanks I'll look into that

[Genersis]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.:frown:

It seems you've had a rough start to life. Academically at least.

I know this is going to sound mean; but a religion with anti-gay views(In my opinion, being made to feel guilty of ones orientation and then being told to be celibate for LIFE, IS anti-gay) will always look towards you in a bias light.
Trying to squeeze you into their stereotype so they can "avoid" learning as much of your "problem" as possible.(Just to make sure they don't become sympathetic towards homosexuality.)

I think it's vile for that priest to assume you're a danger to...well...anybody just because of your sexuality.
But unfortunately i think he may believe this because of the religious delusion that gays molest children/pollute their minds among other things.

I don't get a clear picture from your post(And i'm not keen on assuming...), but i hope those close to you, who you CAN talk to about your feelings, are helping you with your problems.
Right now most of your family seem to be tolerating you and your sexuality, with is good considering the religious circumstances; that tolerance is more than likely to become indifference and eventually a non-issue as long as there's little or no negative exterior influences on their views of homosexuality.

If you ever need someone to share your problems with, one to one, and don't know anybody you feel comfortable sharing that problem with in person, then I, as well as many others on this site i'm sure, would be more than happy talking it through with ya.

I seemed to of rambled a little, and gotten carried away at parts, but i hope this post helps a bit.

[marshlander]

Hi Story,

I am sorry that I did not see this post before we were in the chat room last evening. I am so sorry to hear that you contracted HIV. That really is bad luck. :frown:

As far as the Mormon thing goes I have a lot of background. It's how I was brought up, where I was married when I was 19, have children who have served missions and where, a few weeks ago, I organised the funeral service for my father who passed away recently. I tried to turn my back on it more than thirty years ago, but the indoctrination went in very deeply and it has taken a long time to get over it. I am not sure if I ever will. Just to lay it on the line I have no belief in any kind of deity at all these days. I am fortunate that the local bishop allowed me almost complete freedom in how my father's funeral was organised even though my father turned his back on the Church last year after 50 years membership. For his own reasons Dad still wanted his funeral to be held in the chapel where he felt he still had some friends. As another ex-LDS friend pointed out, it could be a first for a funeral in an LDS chapel to be conducted by ex-Mos and gays

What Mormons cannot see is that they are part of a cult. You are forbidden from reading literature which presents a rational point of view and Mormons do not know their own history, which unfortunately is a bloody one. You are required to affirm your testimony at every available opportunity which just reinforces the programming. If you still see it as the one true religion I cannot and will not offer you another point of view. If, however, you feel ready to look outside the standard works and the words of "living prophets" I would be happy to point you in the direction of ideas to consider and would be pleased to enter into any discussion you think would be helpful. Contact me privately if you prefer ... or not at all if this all sounds too threatening.

The LDS stance on gays is barbaric as it was on the place of people of African descent until 1978. No doubt you have encountered the homophobic ranting of Boyd K Packer and you may not know that Spencer Kimball was the power behind the torture of people suspected of being gay at BYU in and after the 1970s. So much for the pure love of Christ and the infallibility of a prophet of God.

I don't think I am as scary as this makes me sound, but you'll have to make up your own mind on that

Best wishes to you.

[AlaricXY]

The road to attaining peace and happy in life is rough and hard, but don't give up yet, mate. Coz maybe the best is yet to come.
It's good to know that you are beginning to accept and love yourself. Thumbs up on that.
Mate, I have similiar issue like you. Worst, I have not come out to my family yet. Sadly, I suspect that I am experiencing depression but I have no intention of telling my family coz we have enough troubles already.
If you feel sad, please talk to a therapist because allowing your sadness to pile up is no good move. Trust me.
About your religion, I have to say, do what's best for yourself. At the end of the day, I think we should choose our own beliefs and views. Conforming blindly to our religion without seeking true happiness, that's not life. That's like, we are sent to hell already.
Don't let the others take you down because they just can't stand to see a survivor, a fighter who defies all odds and live. There are others out there who are HIV+ like you, and they can still be happy in life. So, why not you?
Life's too short, what you can't change much in life, surrender it to fate.
Be strong, mate.

[wclark03]

1.) Try keeping an open mind. No one is forcing you to go to church. Try studying religion. Ask yourself what you believe. If you don't feel comfortable labeling your religion don't do it.
I don't neccessarily believe in a concious God like many theists do.
I generally call myself a humanist because I believe everything is based on the choices we make. Everything has a cause and effect.
Thats me though.
Just ask yourself what you believe and study all the religions and try to match your beliefs to a religion.
Too many people try to conform to religion and it shouldn't be that way.

2.) Emotions are natural. Some wear them on their sleeves and others are just cactus like. Assholes on the outside but fucking depressed in the inside.
I think being emotional is a good thing.

3.) relationships come and go.
Your love of your dreams will come to you. Most likely when your not looking.
Just relax and ejoy your youth.
Have fun... whatever.
people are sexual beings... and we are all attracted to whatever our standards permit.
Dating and experimenting is a good thing. Just live your life and relax.
It takes time to live and grow.

[Paul1]

It's your life. Don't worry about what other people think, only you know you and what is right for you. They reject you because they have problems with who you are, be it fear, ignorance or their own philosophical insecurity. The first step to removing the problem, IMO, is to remove the importance for the opinions of people who clearly don't deserve it and/or aren't qualified to make meaningful opinions.

Does the priest really represent the word in the bible? Has your sister even tried to understand what it means to be gay? If Mormon churches reject you, are they really living by the word of Jesus? Only you know your relationship with your god.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like a lot of your childhood was spent being controlled by other people and the church, and being told how you should behave and what your position is in life. If that's true, then it's not your fault, it's the fault of those who themselves were controlled in their lives.

By coming out as gay, you've made the first stance for rejecting this ridiculous control and defining yourself as you want to be. Perhaps the build up of emotion is because you feel you don't get the acceptance you seek? But why seek their advice when they very unfairly make you feel bad? If you did move out into your own place, you would be more free to define your life and surround yourself with people, religions and objects that do accept and approve of you, and also to explore who you want to become. Your family are still going to love you even if your lifestyle doesn't agree with their ideals. At 22, it's your time now to do whatever you like with your life.