I'm having an off day... Feeling so darn frustrated. I don't understand where I fit into society and feel lost, isolated and unimportant, looking upon my friends with jealousy.
I had no friends until the last two years of school, and spent lunch times fearing bullying. It got better as people matured. I came out as gay, and whilst all my friends were having sexual experiences, I was once again isolated. I met two gay guys, 1st was disinterested. I kissed the 2nd, whose relationship was ruined and hence he never talked to me again. Back to feeling sexually isolated, but optimistic about uni......Where I joined the LGBT society! Some treated me like scum, others wanted to be my friend. All that previous isolation, and I was scared to connect to people, feeling I had fallen behind with learning the ropes, and so pushed them away.
A year later after uni, and I don't have any friends in my home town. I've spent almost every day in front of this sh*tty screen. I've tried to get to know some people, and we had such a laugh at work, but when it comes to keeping in contact they don't want to know.
I want to connect, but it's scary and so much effort to overcome the anxiety. I feel that I have no sexual worth, and helpless to change the way people perceive me. Inside I've resigned myself to the winds of change when it comes to friends, and particularly sex and love.
I know nothing is wrong with me, I'm a completely normal nice guy. Still, I've never had a bf, or been part of a clique, or successfully approached a guy. They choose me, and they've never been what I wanted, I just took it out of desperation. Life is like a game, everyone else seems to be dealt reasonable hands and I keep ending up with the bloody rotten hands.
I'm off to Canada in exactly one week. My mother, whom I live with now, keeps saying "well if you don't like, you can come home". She keeps talking as if I'm expected to return home. I'm 22, I'm frightened because I've never made my own life plan before, but now so frustrated I just want to go be an adult and she won't let me go. Life is like a bird cage, they let you out for a while and then shove you back in there. I already feel depressed because I know that once my 1 year VISA is up, I'm expected to return back to the cage. It stops me from connecting because everything is only temporary in my life, my time is spent trying to escape and be alone for just 2 minutes. Sometimes I think killing myself would help me escape the cage/game.
God that was a whole load of "I" and "me"...
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Paul,
I feel life is difficult for you right now. Sometimes, it probably seems like you're going in circles instead of going somewhere useful. You have every right to be upset. Life is so freaking wild, one moment it's going great and then the next it seems like it will never go your way. As you read these words I want you to know that you are loved by many people. Some are family. Some are friends and some are total strangers on a message board. It may seem like life is so hard at times that you wish it would end. But if it were to end you would miss all the love that total strangers wish for you on these boards. In fact, many will post comments in hopes that you will believe them that they do know what feeling lonely is like. If you will really listen to them maybe you will consider just how much you are appreciated here.
You are not alone. You never were. You are loved.
(((Paul)))
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Sorry you are having an off day. I know I'm new here and such and I hope not to overstep any bounds but I understand how you feel when you mentioned you don't know where you fit into society; as I wonder that same thing frequently. I would hazard a guess that there's others also who feel the same way from time to time.
Going to Canada sounds exciting. Sounds like you are looking forward to it. It could be your Mom is just trying to reassure you that if things don't work out in Canada for whatever reason, you always have a place to return to and not that she's expecting you to return.
I agree with Knightshade and I'm sure others will say the same - you are definitely not alone.
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Paul1 Wrote:I'm having an off day... Feeling so darn frustrated. I don't understand where I fit into society and feel lost, isolated and unimportant, looking upon my friends with jealousy.
I had no friends until the last two years of school, and spent lunch times fearing bullying. It got better as people matured. I came out as gay, and whilst all my friends were having sexual experiences, I was once again isolated. I met two gay guys, 1st was disinterested. I kissed the 2nd, whose relationship was ruined and hence he never talked to me again. Back to feeling sexually isolated, but optimistic about uni......Where I joined the LGBT society! Some treated me like scum, others wanted to be my friend. All that previous isolation, and I was scared to connect to people, feeling I had fallen behind with learning the ropes, and so pushed them away.
A year later after uni, and I don't have any friends in my home town. I've spent almost every day in front of this sh*tty screen. I've tried to get to know some people, and we had such a laugh at work, but when it comes to keeping in contact they don't want to know.
I want to connect, but it's scary and so much effort to overcome the anxiety. I feel that I have no sexual worth, and helpless to change the way people perceive me. Inside I've resigned myself to the winds of change when it comes to friends, and particularly sex and love.
I know nothing is wrong with me, I'm a completely normal nice guy. Still, I've never had a bf, or been part of a clique, or successfully approached a guy. They choose me, and they've never been what I wanted, I just took it out of desperation. Life is like a game, everyone else seems to be dealt reasonable hands and I keep ending up with the bloody rotten hands.
I'm off to Canada in exactly one week. My mother, whom I live with now, keeps saying "well if you don't like, you can come home". She keeps talking as if I'm expected to return home. I'm 22, I'm frightened because I've never made my own life plan before, but now so frustrated I just want to go be an adult and she won't let me go. Life is like a bird cage, they let you out for a while and then shove you back in there. I already feel depressed because I know that once my 1 year VISA is up, I'm expected to return back to the cage. It stops me from connecting because everything is only temporary in my life, my time is spent trying to escape and be alone for just 2 minutes. Sometimes I think killing myself would help me escape the cage/game.
God that was a whole load of "I" and "me"...
awwwww I so know the feeling, you never know what is going to be around that corner could but good or mad you never know. Thats why I don't ever say I want to kill my self as I dont to miss out on something tthat might be coming around that corner.
I think my Grandad told me that once back in 1997 a year before he died, I think he was a wise old man, I hope to become like him one day.
KnightShade Wrote:Paul,
I feel life is difficult for you right now. Sometimes, it probably seems like you're going in circles instead of going somewhere useful. You have every right to be upset. Life is so freaking wild, one moment it's going great and then the next it seems like it will never go your way. As you read these words I want you to know that you are loved by many people. Some are family. Some are friends and some are total strangers on a message board. It may seem like life is so hard at times that you wish it would end. But if it were to end you would miss all the love that total strangers wish for you on these boards. In fact, many will post comments in hopes that you will believe them that they do know what feeling lonely is like. If you will really listen to them maybe you will consider just how much you are appreciated here.
You are not alone. You never were. You are loved.
(((Paul)))
Hey your words are so right mr, that has help me also, thanks xx
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Have fun in Canada. Being in a different environment may make more difference than you could possibly imagine. When your visa is up there are going to be other places in the USA you could try, surely?
Good luck.
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Thanks for all your inputs. I think I was tired and let frustrations get the better of me.
My mother is a very controlling person (not her fault, she has got better). She doesn't have too many friends, and I lived with her for a while to keep her company, I don't think she wants me to leave, and I think she's scared I'll stay abroad and/or find a BF. But at 22, it's time to flee the nest (it was time at 18!) and go live my life for me. Sometimes the pressure gets a bit suffocating... and is preventing me from perusing my interests. I've made it clear to her that it's time for me to grow up, in a week's time I'm fleeing the nest forever!
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paul, i have a controlling parents too but i set them boundaries and now they respect it. I am near Toronto, we can talk on phone or have coffee, I will be your friend. I know how you feel so don't feel too bad, we all been there done that. So take it easy. Being 22 is no easy task, you got a whole life in front of you and you got lots of time, so you will be fine. Yes having someone to talk to, takes off the pressure.
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Thanks for all your kind words of support. Probably just the nerves of preparing for Canada, 3 days now!
I feel like sh*t, and don't even know what words to use to describe how angry and frustrated I feel. It's like I'm powerless to stop some kind of life long cosmic injustice towards myself, and it's left me feeling resentful and bitter. If there's a god, I want an apology.
There's some things I've been meaning to do but not had the guts. Visit a sauna. Approach a guy of my own doing. Visit a bar by myself. Can't really feel hard done by, when it's really my own fears that hold me back. The fix is just to do them and see what happens, otherwise one is never going to know. Always had someone to help me, but this is where it ends. Maybe this stress will help me to appreciate the beauty in independence.
Marshlander, somehow I think you're right about being in a different environment.
I feel better by the end of this post, 1 hour since I started! Good night people.
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Wow... I'm so sorry  It has to be hard  but don't give up  You have people here who care for you Im sure
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Paul1 Wrote:Thanks for all your kind words of support. Probably just the nerves of preparing for Canada, 3 days now!
I feel like sh*t, and don't even know what words to use to describe how angry and frustrated I feel. It's like I'm powerless to stop some kind of life long cosmic injustice towards myself, and it's left me feeling resentful and bitter. If there's a god, I want an apology.
There's some things I've been meaning to do but not had the guts. Visit a sauna. Approach a guy of my own doing. Visit a bar by myself. Can't really feel hard done by, when it's really my own fears that hold me back. The fix is just to do them and see what happens, otherwise one is never going to know. Always had someone to help me, but this is where it ends. Maybe this stress will help me to appreciate the beauty in independence.
Marshlander, somehow I think you're right about being in a different environment.
I feel better by the end of this post, 1 hour since I started! Good night people.
Hey paul can I come with you, your doing what I cant do. Well I've moved to a new town so guess thats something. I'm so proud of you sweetheart xx
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