A wish for death.

[Anonymous]

I need some advice… I’m not sure where to begin really. I guess I’ll start by saying a few months ago I tried to commit suicide and as I obviously failed, I have sought professional help. I can’t describe why I did it, but at the time it seemed like it was had to happen. Well fast forward to now, I’ve been doing my best to see things differently, but I’m finding myself thinking more and more about death. Rather, I wish I could completely erase my useless existence, the memories of me from others… I guess to be forgotten so that I can complete the act guilt free.

Well, I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel since its just going to result in pills that will control my thoughts. I’m trapped in life, I wish to be free in death, since I know I will feel nothing, no memories, no emotions, nothing. Just peace.

I guess what I need to know is: is there something I’m missing? Is there something I’m suppose to do in life to make it worth it? I just don’t get it at all.

[KnightShade]

Dear Anonymous,

You must be hurting pretty bad to want "something" to stop. But what exactly do you want? To be free? To find love? To know that everything is going to be alright? Sometimes it hurts to not have the things we want. Sometimes we just wish the world would go away if we can't have what we want. If you can take the time and discover what it is that you want then you will be well on your way to being happy, at the very least you will know better about how to get what you want.

What do you want? If you want a lover....

Imagine having a lover who really loves you. What would they say to you that would make your heart happy? Can you feel their breath on your ear? Can you smell their body close to you? See their hand in your hand. See yourself getting happier and happier. Now make this wonderful feeling ten times stronger! GREAT!! Now what steps did you take to get to having a lover? Write down the steps you feel you probably took to find your love. YOU CAN DO IT!!

What do you want? If you want to come out to someone....

Pick someone who is a friend that doesn't come over to your house often, but you see every now and then. Never pick your parents first because you need support in the coming out process. Is there someone gay that you know and that you can confide in? Ask them if they will let you practice "coming out" on them. Please be aware that many parents are NOT okay with their own children being gay and that even if you think you know them well, get yourself a place to stay first, just in case your parents ask you to leave home. There are literally thousands of support groups everywhere. There may even be one in your town. Google it.

What do you want? If you are wanting emergency help....

There are emergency services in your area. Call the nearest hospital, psychiatrist or suicide hot line. Google it. You are NOT alone. There are thousands of people just like you who needed help. They got it. So can you.

If there's anything else......
You can bet there are people who are on Gay Speak.com who will post replies just to let you know.....
You are not alone. You are loved.

All my best,
KnightShade

[fenris]

Let me explain it on my way .... every life has his own meaning and his own worth. Maybe you see your life in time dark, boring, unloving ... but .... who said that it can´t change into a much better life.
Maybe you read about my pain-sickness I have since more than 20 years and I have much more bad than good days... and I have a neighbor, she has the same sickness since 2 years.. and she asked me a few times how she should live with this kind of life, using morphine, feeling bad, sad, waking up every morning with the question " why should I get out of my bed "... and a few times she told me that she don´t want to live anymore.... and my answer is : A suicide you can do only one time.... you have every day .... every hour of the day the possibility to do it.... so why rush ? Things change .... people change.. opinions change... and who knows... maybe suicide to this time in your life is only bad....
And who tell you that a suicide is the end of a life ?
And this neighbor asked me a lot of times how can I life with so much fun, thinking so positive, laughing a lot and so on and I can only answer : See you life as a present - how bad it may be from time to time - not as a weight or burden. If you have dark times... think on the singing of the wind in the trees, the snow falling in Winter, the spring when every life starts new .... think on you friends, warm summer evenings with them...and so on ... there is so much fun, so much joy in the world... you only have to catch it. Be strong...see the nice times in your live...and you will see: The bad times can´t hurt you.

[jbrowder24]

Though I've certainly wondered the point of it all too sometimes, I can't say I've ever found myself at your level and I am sorry to read that you find life so meaningless. I certainly hope you'll find something that gives your life some purpose - a goal, a person, anything that might help, but I won't tell you everything will be okay because when you feel as you do, it's not. KnightShade gives some good advice though.

The thing is, you are looking for some sort of escape that won't hurt others, but there is nothing you can do to make people forget you. What happens after death? I don't know the answer; so I can't tell you if it'd be nothing, if it'd be better, if it'd be worse. But those that are left behind will grief and struggle wondering if they could have done something different.

I've found that diffeent people get meaning out of life through different things, and the answer is different for everyone. Some are obvious - family, faith, love, career. For some people though, it's other things. It could be something most would consider a positive, like volunteering and making a difference. It might be something most would never understand, like the desire to serve as a slave to a master. Who is to say what you'd find meaningful, but you'll never know if you don't explore.

It is possible to find peace here, I think though. Sometimes just to accept that life doesn't have much meaning but decide to live it anyway, can give tremendous peace. I actually had considered suicide a bit in high school. College was much better but one semester I was overstressed and came close to having a breakdown. Instead of considering suicide again, I said, "What's the point. It won't matter if I live or kill myself." It was sort of a downer but I just no longer saw the appeal of suicide. I've been up and down since, but there've been far more ups than downs, and I'm usually at peace with that decision. I get lonely at times, but there's so much I'd have missed out on like seeing my nieces born. Even those small things can make sticking around worth it sometimes.

[Marvinteck]

I need some advice… I’m not sure where to begin really. I guess I’ll start by saying a few months ago I tried to commit suicide and as I obviously failed, I have sought professional help. I can’t describe why I did it, but at the time it seemed like it was had to happen. Well fast forward to now, I’ve been doing my best to see things differently, but I’m finding myself thinking more and more about death. Rather, I wish I could completely erase my useless existence, the memories of me from others… I guess to be forgotten so that I can complete the act guilt free.

Well, I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel since its just going to result in pills that will control my thoughts. I’m trapped in life, I wish to be free in death, since I know I will feel nothing, no memories, no emotions, nothing. Just peace.

I guess what I need to know is: is there something I’m missing? Is there something I’m suppose to do in life to make it worth it? I just don’t get it at all.

I dont know the specifics of your situation however I have been suicidal before. I tried taking my life when I was 18 and I almost tried again when last summer when I was 28. I was serious as serious can be in both instances. I didnt care what happened and i just wanted out of this life. With that said I will try to help you as much as I can.

Rather, I wish I could completely erase my useless existence, the memories of me from others… I guess to be forgotten so that I can complete the act guilt free.

This is the reason I thought twice last summer about taking my life last summer and eventually reached out for help from the people around me.. The effect that suicide has on the people left behind is horrific. If you do choose to take your life I can assure you you wont be forgotten any time soon by your loved ones. You may feeling worthless but to somebody else you may be the world. You may not know it but people do love you and you arent worthless. If you wish to see the after effects of suicide on the people left behind read few storys on this website.http://forum.forsuicidesurvivors.com/vie...2dbe64f54e It might make youu think twice. I know i did.

Well, I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel since its just going to result in pills that will control my thoughts. I’m trapped in life, I wish to be free in death, since I know I will feel nothing, no memories, no emotions, nothing. Just peace.

You are talking to us arent you and we have no intention or ability to dope you up on drugs. You can talk with people other than doctors that will try to put you on meds or lock you away. I reached out to my family and friends. They helped me get through the tough time I was having. They were glad i was talking to them about my feelings instead of six feet under. Not you or any one on this earth say what happens when we leave this earth and die. Is it heaven, hell or something in between like reincarnation. Nobody knows. I could be mistaken but i think you have to be alive to feel emotions like peace. If you are dead you arent guaranteed peace. you could be right about your theory though.

I guess what I need to know is: is there something I’m missing? Is there something I’m suppose to do in life to make it worth it? I just don’t get it at all
What really is the meaning of life? Why are we on this earth and What is our purpose here? I wish I could answer all this for you but I havent figured out a concrete answer to these questions. I can though tell you it doesnt matter if whether you are the President of United States or a bum on the street we all have some purpose on this earth. Its all in the eye of the beholder. We are only given one life and we all must use the time we have on this earth for some purpose. We may not like the current purpose of our life. Its our job to change our purpose in life if we are unhappy or be content with the cards we were dealt.

I may not like being a single bachelor stuck in a dead end job with no sign of love in sight. However that isnt my purpose in life. As far as I can tell my current purpose in life is to be a good coworker, brother, son, uncle and friend to the people around me. I might not be the happiest person on earth but I do have a purpose in this life. So you are going to have to examine your life and find your purpose. It would be a shame for you to throw your life away. I hope all of this made sense and helps you through what you are experiencing right now. I know being suicidal isnt easy at all. I can assure you though if you can make it through this rough patch things will get better for you.

[azulai]

I’ve been doing my best to see things differently, but I’m finding myself thinking more and more about death.

TrevorProject
The Trevor Lifeline: 866.4.U.TREVOR (866-488-7386)
http://www.TheTrevorProject.org

If you've called before, you need to call again. That's what they are there for, to help you sort things out.

Rather, I wish I could completely erase my useless existence, the memories of me from others… I guess to be forgotten so that I can complete the act guilt free.

I doubt this is possible. You have touched others' lives, and you will leave pain and questions behind.

Yes, I've had that dark period where I thought suicide was a very appealing out to my circumstances. I wish I could give you a simple answer on what happened or what I did --it's not simple--but I will tell you to fight it, I will tell you to choose life, I will tell you in hindsight I'm so glad I didn't follow through.

I guess what I need to know is: is there something I’m missing? Is there something I’m suppose to do in life to make it worth it? I just don’t get it at all.

My answers are so inadequate, but I truly feel that you have to give your life meaning -- no other person, no possession -- YOU.
Maybe start with figuring out what makes you happy? What you are good at? Have you thought of volunteering at your local LGBT organization? Maybe volunteer at an animal shelter?

Sometimes if we take our mind off of our needs and focus on what others need, the whole situation heals itself. It's kind of like, just keep moving forward and you'll find the path.

[Bluegreen]

I've been in that deep dark hole myself a few times and thankfully I failed on the tries to kill myself. I'm sorry you are in such pain that you think ending your life could be seen as a solution. I don't believe your life is useless.

Know that you are not alone and that you can talk here with no threat of being given any pills. No one will criticize you or talk down to you. No one will chastise and possibly someone will be able to help you out of the darkness.

While I may not have the answer to the purpose of life, I think everyone is good in at least one thing and that one thing brings them pleasure and happiness. Take that one thing that makes you happy and soar with it. Let it fill you. Even in my darkest hour I found one thing that kept me holding on. I hope you can find it in you.

I applaud you for having the guts to post asking for advice. That must of been hard sitting their reading your post wondering if you should hit "submit new thread" or not. I'm glad you chose to ask. My advice is similar to others -- please call the Trevor Project (866-488-7386) or go to http://www.befrienders.org/ and select the country you are in and make the call.

If you need to just vent or get things off your chest, post and we'll listen and offer some guidance.

[OrphanPip]

Talking to someone doesn't mean they are going to force you to take pills. I survived a suicide attempt a few years back, put me in the hospital for a few days. I can honestly say I'm happy now, sure things aren't perfect but they never will be. I made big changes with my life, changing career paths and cutting ties with certain people. Talking out with others, getting support from family and friends, working out a plan to try and change things, these will all help. Don't turn your back on help, they can't force you to do what you don't want to do. Talk to someone.