I just need to get this off my chest

[LiZaRD_PlaNET]

After being absent for a few month in this forum I decided to come back.

I know I need help, but as someone who lives in a small town and has worked in the healthcare industry in that town, I know that there isn't much confidentiality for people. I work at a hospital and most of the medical staff know each other very likely that someone I know is most likely a patient, a relative, or a friend of whoever doctor I want to see.

I experience hypertension and panic attacks seem to be happening more regularly. I would experience shortness of breath, lowered body temperature and raised pulse. I know it's associated with work. I have thought of quitting a lot of time, but my position is administrative support. It's not something that's in high demand. I live with my mother and sister and a dog. My mother is on fixed social security income and my sister is currently unemployed. I make enough money that we can get by almost comfortably month after month. I have alienated a lot of friends over the years until I have so few of them, a lot became just acquaintances.

I have though about killing myself. Unfortunately, even though I have enough life insurance benefits that would be left for my sister and mom, life insurance does not cover suicide. My mom and sister are very supportive, but I don't think this is something they can handle right now. My sister is already depressed enough from being unemployed for almost a year, and my mother who is getting old is worried about not having money if something happens to her that would require long term care.

I have tried over the counter and home remedies to help with my hypertension. I tried garlic supplements to lower blood pressure, herbal teas, exercising more regularly - nothing has helped.

I am posting this because I expect more anonymity here and more support than I could get from a doctor. What should I do?

[KnightShade]

LiZaRD,

It sounds like you have quite a plate full of responsibilities. And you are probably due a vacation at some point. I am not a doctor so I can't dispense medical advice. But for your own safety, you might consider how important your well being is and see a doctor anyway, even though you might not have much anonymity. Never be ashamed of being human. Seeing a healthcare professional is very important for two reasons. First, because of the medical risks you take with your health by not seeing a doctor is great. With hypertension, you run the risk of stroke or something else. Your family doesn't need you to become disabled because of a stroke. They need you to be healthy. The second reason is because the very act of seeing a doctor will automatically take a LOT of stress off of you. You won't be worrying about your health as much and you can get back to doing the things you love when you are not so stressed, like finding a boyfriend!

As for the idea of taking your life, at least wait a little while. Seeing a doctor first can really change your world view very quickly and easily. Besides, I might be in your town one day and I hope you will join me for a cup of coffee. Surely, even in a small town, they have good coffee. LOL!

Keep us informed as to what the doctor said and we will be rooting for you! You are NOT alone. But you probably already knew that, didn't you?

All my best,
KnightShade

[Lonely]

i totally agree with Knightshade that u have to see a doctor first...

i dont know what might be causing your condition but i think a small vacation somewhere will work like magic and like Knightshade also said, finding a boyfriend wont be a bad idea either

anywayzz... about taking your life... trust me its the dumbest thing u could ever do and im saying that out of experience as i tried to commit suicide 3 times b4...

but i came to realize how much pain i was going to cause to my family... specially my mom and my sis. as they mean the world to me... and thats what made me decide to face whatever was worrying me back then... my family's happiness gave me strength... and so should urs

have a little faith in urself and always remember that u r never alone... there is always someone who needs u in his life

be strong... if not for yourself... then for your mom and sis. ... and im totally sure u mean alot to them too :$

[Lonely]

and btw im really sorry for my bad english :$

[azulai]

]I am posting this because I expect more anonymity here and more support than I could get from a doctor. What should I do?

Hi, LiZaRD_PlaNET.

I agree with the others that you can't neglect your health.

Would it be possible to take a day off of work, and see a doctor in a larger city near you? That way, no one, including family will know your business. Make a day of it and go to the museum or something you consider fun as well! mile:

I'm not sure but I think in some people physical hereditary conditions can cause the high blood pressure, therefore making diet and exercise not enough. But, the stress you are describing could be enough for a heart attack. So, the thing is, a lot of us here can give you verbal/friendly support and encouragement but we can't dispense medicine that you would need to lower your blood pressure.

I hope you feel better. Keep us posted.

[john francis]

It's not easy to admit to having suicidal thoughts. Well done!
Many people have found that contacting Samaritans ( [email protected] ) gives 1 to 1support when it is needed and helps to bring them back to self-respect.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Hi, LiZaRD_PlaNET,

I do agree with the advice already offered, take some time off and see a doctor from another town. Also look at ways you could change your current situation, changing career, location etc. Do some research on the net, working in administrative support you can transfer these skills to any business not just in healthcare. Regarding the suicide angle, forget it mate. By doing it could destroy the lives of your sister and mother, please forget the idea. Just hang in there, you will get through this, don't give up mate.

Rychard

[princealbertofb]

Well, of course I'll jump onto the bandwagon and join everyone here in trying to cheer you up.

Your family need you, so it's all added stress and you are wondering if you can cope and especially how much longer you can cope.

What you did not tell us is why you are suffering from hypertension in relation to your work... Can you explain what situations are creating this?

It is probable that your hypertension is due to genetics but also to how healthy your body is at the moment... Do you smoke? If so, could you consider giving it up? Are you overweight? In which case maybe you could get medical advice just about shifting that weight? Hypertension often comes from extra water retention....

The panick attacks you are experiencing now and that are happening more and more are probably your body's way of telling you to slow down. As Knightshade said, you probably need a holiday, but it doesn't sound like that's a possible option for you at the moment, with you being the sole support of the family. You are also probably worrying a great deal about your mum's worries and taking it all very personally.

Indeed, if you killed yourself, not only would your life insurance not come to the family, but you'd also cut them away from that vital support you are giving them at the moment through your job.

So what is it in the job that's making you so panick stricken? Someone above you making you uncomfortable or making your life difficult and there's no one you can tell?

Is any of this hypertension and worrying anything to do with being not able to be yourself? I'm afraid I don't remember your personal circumstances and whether your mum and sister know about you being gay... Others have suggested finding a boyfriend. Easier said than done, and all the more so if you are still in the closet and afraid. But I guess what they are saying is that you deserve to be who you are and to find some happiness and solace. What happened to those friends of yours? Why did you drive them away? Or did they just fall out with you because you've become "miserable to be with"?
Normally your best support ought to be your mother and your sister, people who should love you unconditionally, despite what you might view as a flaw in your character.
But the truth is YOU ARE NOT FLAWED because you are gay. You are just one variant of what humans can be sexually. So you probably need a little more confidence about being a lovable person. What are your qualities and your strong points? Surely, if you work in the care industry, you must be a caring person (you sound caring, at least with your family). Is it difficult for you to show how much you care?
I think you could certainly do with a lot more consideration and more love....
So here's from me, from us, in the meantime. Take care, and stay healthy.... Get the medical help you need.

[LiZaRD_PlaNET]

Thank you for your support and understanding. I have an appointment for July 5th.

[jbrowder24]

I have had panic attacks before, perhaps less serious than you but both one over-booked semester in college and after a big break up. For me, in terms of the college time, I ended up being much less involved the next year, having cut back in activities. Is there anything you can do like that with your job? I definitely get the fears of it not being in demand; I'm in a similar position and just lucky to have a job. But is there anyway you could delegate some work to someone else? Cut back on hours, etc? Other than that, others above have given good advice and you have an appointment.

A friend of mine had more serious anxiety, perhaps more like you, and ended up finally seeing a doctor and getting a medication. The first one didn't work (stomach got too upset), but the second one did. Sometimes you just need to try and see what works. I was okay with just some changes; my friend needed meds. Nothing wrong with anything that helps!