My girlfriend? Should I worry?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my girlfriend now for little over 7 months, she is my first sexual girl partner and pretty much i'm scared.

Recently she's been mentioning her ex's quite alot and its really getting to me, little comments like 'wish I could steal your shoes, I used to steal hayleigh's' and things like that, and Im just really sensitive she was with hayleigh for 2 years so it just got to me a little bit,

she snaps quite a lot and then blames it on her relationship history, how they treated her like rubbish and shes not used to a good relationship and its kinda bringing me down, we're moving in together next september seeing as ive got a place at university to do science and im just scared.

she's moving to cambridge this september, and its the first time we're going to be so far apart and im just scared, with the way shes talked about past girls i just dont know how to cope with it all :l

im probably just paranoid, but im really struggling to keep my temper, she'll say things and get upset about them and then blame them on me, when she's hormonal (once a month) she'll act like a dick and then blame it on me for being a dick, and then will apologize the next day

FML!

[romannose]

My concern would be your comment 'she snaps quite a lot', I don't think this would have anything to do with relationship history and, I suspect, neither do you. My message is always the same, sometimes you have to be selfish and look after No.1; you deserve better treatment. Talk it over as you have written here, if it ends the relationship so be it; don't beat yourself up over it, you may have to move on. Good luck, cheers.

[zeon]

Hello there,
Partners mentioning ex's are not a bad thing... One thing I have learnt in life is that everyone you fall in love with the love for them shrinks when you split up but it doesnt die. I regulary talk about my ex boyfriends with my current boyfriend and he talks about his ex's to me as well... Dont allow things to get to you otherwise it can be mistaken as jelousy and controlling and no relationship needs those two things thrown into it...
If her reltionship history was bad she may be doing self re projection onto you because she has learnt a bad way of life from previous ones... Just give some support and dont allow it to get to you or the mentioning of the ex's....

Kindest regards

zeon x

[colinmackay]

It sounds like she is projecting past experiences or something about herself on to you. That's not fair on you.

WRT feeling insecure about talking about ex-gfs I think that's possibly just natural for some people. I don't mind my fiancé talking about his ex-bfs (in fact one will be my best man at our wedding).

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[Anonymous]

I just feel trapped sometimes, the comments were worse, she slept with one of her ex's in her car once (current car she still has) and one day we were going shopping and she just came out with "i fucked lou in that seat your sitting in" and i just froze, just the fact that she told me she did, made me not want me to sit in that car any longer

Im insecure, she's the first girlfriend ive had, any other relationships ive been in, ive been cheated on, or treated crap, and the fact before her i hadnt been in relationship for 4 years, I didnt really remember what it felt like or how to be in a relationship

im still getting used to the fact that im in one

[Crs30]

Sometimes talking about exes is constructive. My partner and I discuss exes in certain situations, such as when we're discussing what we expect from each other. I may mention one ex's bad hygiene and he may mention an ex's ridiculous laziness. We also discuss things that we liked about former partners and how we can best satisfy each other. Sometimes my partner is seriously interested in my sexual past, and I'm willing to share it with him until he asks me to stop. I don't recount the past in a way that offends him, and it satisfies his curiosity. I always make sure to remind him that I am his partner, and that I love him and respect him above anyone else, especially my exes. I broke up with them for good reason.

Other times, talking about exes is not constructive. One of my exes would always tell me "stay golden, pony boy." My partner told me that once, and I realized that wouldn't be a good time to say "OMG! my old boyfriend used to say that to me all the time!!! it's so cuuuuuttttteeeee!!!! One time he and I went bowling and watched a movie and blah blah blah blah..." Instead I sort of ignored it. My partner doesn't need me to take a walk down memory lane with my exes while he has to sit and endure it. That's extremely rude. That's almost as bad as saying during sex, "my old bf used to do it this way and this way and this way, you should try that." Yeah, not going there. I'm going to appreciate sex with my partner and not think about my past.

So yeah. That about makes my point on how/when it's appropriate to discuss exes.

My question for you is how long after breaking up with her ex did she start going out with you? If it wasn't very long, you may be a rebound. That's not always a bad thing, but it can lead to problems.

Second, have you asked her to stop mentioning her ex? This is a point you may have to drive home. Let me illustrate:

I'm my partner's first male sexual partner. Only after meeting me did he start coming out to friends and eventually a few family members. He's still new to being openly gay. He has a few gay friends now, and he likes to point out attractive men to some of his gay friends. When he would point out these hotties to me, it made me uncomfortable. I mentioned to him how it made me uncomfortable. He said he wouldn't censor himself for me, asking him to censor himself is being dishonest. We reached a compromise: he wouldn't mention other guys for a while before, a while after, and during sex. Any other time was okay as long as he didn't go on and on. He might say, "oh, that guy over there is cute" but a comment like "wow, that guy is so sexy! I want to grab him by the pants and bend over for him" wouldn't fly. We were fine with this compromise for a while until he came to visit me one day. He was telling me about how one of his old college friends had a playgirl cover model body. He kept going on with it. I was in a sour mood all day and was upset until he finally asked me what was wrong. I told him I tried to accept him talking about other guys even though it made me uncomfortable. I even tried mentioning other guys myself just to make him feel more comfortable. I told him that I do not want him to mention other guys to me anymore. It makes me feel less attractive. I told him I have no problem with him telling his other gay friends about attractive guys or telling girls about other attractive guys or whatever, I just want no part of it. I don't care to hear that sort of stuff. I'm not censoring him, nor asking him to change his beliefs or whatever. The point is that he is watching what he says so he doesn't make me feel uncomfortable.

The moral of that story is that 1, I had to use an escalation of force, if you will, to get him to accept my point, and 2, he was finally willing to knock it off for my sake. This is something you can and probably should do for your comfort.

Lastly, I say remember something. You are a wonderful, beautiful, special person all in yourself just because that's the way you are. If she does something she shouldn't, don't blame yourself for it. Let go. You'll feel better. I understand what it means that she's your first sexual partner, my first sexual partner broke my heart repeatedly. But now I'm in a stable, happy relationship of almost 1.5 years. I can use my first ex as a reference of what my partner shouldn't do, and I can communicate my needs and desires to my partner better due to what I suffered with that first guy.

I hope I wasn't too wordy or my sentences weren't too weird, I'm tired and am not completely coherent. I've been kind of sick today. Yeah...